Ranma's Ascension
by mikebreslau
Summary: Ranma OMG! SM: Skuld is sent to grant our hero a wish, and he makes a very good wish indeed. Rated M for cerebral concepts and adult themes. Contains parody and or humor. Minor revisions and corrections. Not for Akane haters. Moved to crossovers
1. 1r2 Kamisama

Ranma's Ascension - Chapter 1  
By Mike Breslau

Disclaimer: Better folks than I own most of the characters that appear in this scribbling. The original characters (you'll know them when you meet them) in this work are mine, all mine! (But you can borrow them if you'll treat them kindly.)

This story is dedicated to the notion that a mortal cannot become a god and still carry on as if nothing had changed.

This tale is set after the end of the Ranma manga. Nodoka has dragged Genma away from the Tendo's in an effort to reduce the chaos and pressure that Ranma is subjected to. Unfortunately, Ranma's life has not gotten much simpler.

* * *

Odd things may happen when the Almighty gets bored. For example, a few tens of millennia ago He tweaked the genes of a tribe of great apes so they would evolve into modern humans--just so He would have a soap opera to watch. When you're older than time itself, omnipotent, and responsible for the entire universe, boredom can be a dreadful affliction. Freya, wise in the ways of Heaven, had seen Him bored before. This time she had a good idea about how to deal with the situation.

The goddess of love and fertility glided softly across the glowing marble floor towards the brooding monarch and quietly asked, "How goes it, my Lord?"

"You know me too well, Freya," sighed the Creator, "Time weighs heavily on my hands--again."

"May I offer a suggestion?" she prompted. He nodded. Freya leaned forward and whispered into His ear.

Kamisama's gloom vanished, replaced by elation. "What a wonderful idea, Freya." A telephone handset materialized in His hand. Of course, He didn't need to dial...

* * *

In the Tariki Hongan temple on the outskirts of Nekomi, the telephone rang. The goddess Urd answered it. She straightened up as she recognized the voice. "Yes, Sir, I'll get her at once." Urd covered the microphone with her hand and called out, "Skuld, it's for you." Urd secretly hoped that the brat was getting in trouble. However, Kamisama was not through speaking to Urd. Her shoulders slumped. "Yes, Father, I'll keep my hands off her assignment." Drat!

Skuld was in her lab upgrading Banpei again. She hated to interrupt her project, but she could tell from the tone of Urd's voice that delay was not an option. She put down her tools and hurried to the telephone. After listening for a minute she answered, "Oh thank you, Father. Yes, I'll get on it right away...and I'll read his entire file before I begin." She hung up the phone.

Skuld hopped up and down with glee. "I've been temporarily promoted to First Class and I get to grant a wish! If I do a good job I can keep the rating. Father says he's a very special client, and you can't interfere, Urd."

Urd tried to make the best of her situation. "Do you think He'll mind if I look over your shoulder? It should be more interesting than watching TV."

"As long as you absolutely, positively, don't meddle it should be okay, big sister." As they made their way to Skuld's lab both goddesses wondered what was so "special" about this client. Skuld booted her computer and brought up the indicated file. After a minute of reading her eyes grew as large as saucers. Urd emitted a long, low whistle. She was going to have a hard time keeping her hands off _this_ client.

* * *

The Tendo family and their guests had just finished a typical Kasumi dinner. The pleasant mood was shattered as Akane emerged from the kitchen bearing a tray of some unidentifiable goo. "Ranma, I've baked some cookies just for you." The rest of the diners cautiously began to edge away from the table.

Ranma examined her offering with a skeptical eye. Cookies don't usually slosh around like unset jell-o, nor do they emit a miasma of sulphurous smoke. "Ano, Akane, what are those blue things that are tryin' to crawl off the plate?"

Akane replied, "I added some raisins because I know you like them."

Just then two "cookies" began to battle each other for supremacy, like a pair of pugnacious amoebas. That was too much for Ranma to take. "Are you tryin' to kill me, ya uncute tomboy? If those are cookies, then I'm the Prince of Pottsylvania!"

You all know what happened next. "Ranma No Baka!" Crash, Smash. Blackness.

Somewhat later, as evening was falling in the land of the rising sun, a dark-haired young man soaked in a furo. He muttered imprecations about a "stupid tomboy" as he nursed his new bruises. "Why can't somethin' good happen ta me for a change? 'Fraught with peril,' indeed." His musings were interrupted when something unusual caught his attention. At the other end of the furo, the water had begun so swirl--without visible cause--and a small vortex was forming.

Suddenly, the vortex began to glow, and a teen-aged girl with long black hair emerged from the surface of the water. She was dressed in an unusual costume, mostly white with red trim, that exposed her slender but shapely legs. Ranma sensed her aura of power, but he flinched when he noticed the mallet strapped to her back.

"Ranma Saotome?" asked the stranger.

"Do you mind, lady? I'm naked in here."

"Sorry," replied Skuld with a faint blush. She gave him a towel and turned away. She thought, 'That's not the first time I've surprised a man taking a bath. I really have to get out of the habit.'

"Okay, you can look now," said the young man. "I'm Ranma Saotome, who are you?"

"I am Skuld, Goddess of the Future, and I am here to grant your fondest wish," she announced happily.

Ranma hung his head. "Oh no, I don't need this. I've got enough trouble already."

The goddess hadn't expected that reaction. "I'm here to solve your problems, not to cause trouble. Why are you so upset?"

He looked her in the eye and answered, "I've had wishes granted. I've dealt with gods and demons, magic and potions, spells and curses. Every time it only caused trouble. I'm better off without your help."

"Ranma, I am not a magic mirror or a cursed pool. I am a Goddess First Class and I am acting as an agent of Kamisama himself. I will not cause you any grief unless you explicitly wish for it, and I doubt very much that you would make such a wish."

"Okay," he answered resignedly, "What's your deal, and what will it cost me?"

"You get only one wish in a lifetime, so consider it carefully. You can wish for almost anything, but it has to come from the heart--it must be something you really want. You cannot ask for more wishes, and you cannot wish for me. All it will cost is a few minutes of careful thought to choose the best wish."

"You really mean it, I can ask for almost anything?"

She flashed a mischievous grin. "Actually, just for you, there is a special additional restriction. You cannot wish to be the best martial artist who ever lived."

Ranma was disappointed. "Why not?"

Skuld's grin grew wider. "Because it would be a waste of a perfectly good wish."

Ranma froze in place for a moment as his brain tried to deal with the implications of that answer. "You mean..."

"You already are the best martial artist ever, and you'll certainly get even better than you are now."

"Wow." He hesitated, then continued, "You know, I really don' wanna wish for ya to solve all my problems."

That was unexpected. "Why not, Ranma?"

"It wouldn't be right. I hafta take care of my own troubles--havin' a goddess fix everything would be taking the easy way out. My sense of honor forbids it." He slumped. "Besides, with my luck, I'd have a whole new set of problems soon enough, and then I'd be right back where I started."

"Yes, you have led a hard life. But despite everything that has happened you remain uncorrupted and pure of heart. That's why you're qualified to receive a wish. I'm glad you are thinking this through, that's the best way."

Ranma considered for a minute and then suddenly brightened. "Can I make a complicated wish?"

"Of course you can, but be careful. Overly complicated wishes are hard to control, and they tend to have unexpected effects."

"Okay. I think this isn't too complicated. I wish I had the power, wisdom, skill, judgement, and ability to solve all my problems, past, present, and future, and do so in an honorable, swift, legal, respectable, and efficient way."

Skuld was impressed. "Wow. That's the best wish I've ever heard of, Ranma." She prepared to begin the wish-granting when a bolt of lightning struck the floor.

Akane burst in a moment later, responding to the noise, and found Ranma clad only in a towel and a beautiful young woman studying some odd marks on the floor. She gasped, then lost her temper. "RANMA, WHO IS THIS GIRL?" she yelled.

Ranma tried to answer, but he was silenced by a gesture from Skuld. "Got to go. Back in a minute," she said hurriedly. There was a quick flash of light and Akane was alone in the room.

"Oh Ranma, what have you gotten into now?" Akane was usually the one to get kidnapped, not Ranma. She looked around the room and noticed the writing on the floor. The marks were burnt into the floor, yet as she watched they were fading away and the floor was healing itself. How could burn marks fade? The writing was in an exotic script that she had never seen before, yet somehow she was still able to understand the message "Skuld and Ranma report to my office immediately." The signature was in smaller type, and almost faded to illegibility, but it seemed to form the name "Kamisama." Akane repeated herself, "Oh Ranma, _what_ have you gotten into now?"

* * *

As his sense of disorientation faded, the first thing Ranma noticed was that he was in the presence of something immensely powerful--something so strong that it made Saffron and Herb seem insignificant by comparison. He was standing next to Skuld in what appeared to be a large Zen meditation garden. The ground was covered with grape-sized spheres of gray transparent stone. Four distinct shades of gray formed swirling geometric designs. Somewhat larger red stones (could they be rubies?) outlined the edges of a large pond. There were a few fragrant evergreen trees, and a single boulder of sparkling rock. The sky was a green, the color of grass in the springtime. "Where am I?" he wondered.

Skuld spoke to a figure Ranma hadn't noticed before. "Father, I have brought Ranma Saotome."

The person she addressed was reclining comfortably on nothing at all, floating about a foot above the ground, and clad in a large white towel wrapped toga-style around himself. He appeared to be of no discernable age, but was clearly in the prime of life. Skuld assumed that His towel was a way of putting Ranma at ease.

Ranma had no doubt about the identity of this being. He dropped to his knees and began to prostrate himself.

"Stop that at once, young man," Kamisama commanded, not unkindly. "We have no bowing or honorifics up here--it gets old fast and serves no purpose."

Ranma scrambled to his feet. "Sorry, Sir."

"Be seated, Ranma. No need to stand on ceremony."

"But there aint any chairs," protested Ranma.

"We don't need any," said Skuld. She too was reclining on nothing at all. "Just sit down and make yourself comfortable."

Ranma tentatively tried to sit, and was surprised at how good it felt to sit in midair. He was in a state of shock; gods and demons he could cope with but now he faced Kamisama himself and even good old reliable gravity seemed to be optional.

Kamisama said, "Ranma, we will grant your wish exactly as you specified, but there are a few details I want to discuss with you. I don't think you understand the full implications of what you asked for."

"Is there a problem?" asked Ranma.

"You may not realize it, but your troubles are so numerous and intractable that it would take god-like powers and abilities to solve them all. The simplest way to do what you asked for would be to make you a full-fledged god, but if you don't want to go that route we could make you a demigod."

"Errk! I mean...Oh...Wow." Ranma was stunned by the implications of that statement. This was an overwhelming development, far beyond anything he had experienced before.

Kamisama continued, "Becoming a god involves much more than just grafting immortality and magical power onto your present self. A god is a different kind of person than a human is, with different rules and a different culture than you are used to. Being a god is a job, Ranma, just like being a bus driver or dojo master. It's not all work and no play; you would have considerable freedom. On the other hand, if you became a demigod you would be a sui generis, a unique thing. There are no other demigods at present, so you would have no peer group. You wouldn't fit in fully with gods or mortals."

Ranma hesitated. "Are ya sure you want me ta be a god? I did kill Saffron, after all. Don' I get in trouble for that?"

Kamisama made a dismissive gesture. "Actually, you did Saffron a favor. He'll be raised from childhood again, but this time he'll be trained to be a civilized and decent deity. We are in your debt for that."

Ranma felt relieved. Saffron had been weighing heavily on his conscience. "Would I still be me?" he asked.

"Oh yes, your sense of self would be preserved either way. Turning you into somebody else would be a poor way to grant your wish."

"I see. Can I still interact with people, or marry one?"

"Yes, that's no problem. Gods spend most of their time here in Asgard, the home of the gods, but they can make brief visits to your home world. Of course, for an immortal, a few years may count as a brief visit. As a demigod, you would spend most of your time on Earth, with brief visits here. Either way, you could still socialize with your friends. Be aware that it wouldn't be the same. Your mortal friends will grow old and die while you continue to be young and healthy--this will cast a shadow over the relationships you could have. You could marry a human in either case, but the same shadow would still be present."

Ranma scratched his head. "Bein' a demigod doesn' sound so good; I'd hate ta be one of a kind. But I also don' like outliving all my friends."

Skuld spoke up. "My sister Belldandy wanted to marry a man she thought was a mortal, even though she expected to outlive him. If your feelings are strong you can marry a human, but if not it won't work."

Ranma nodded, then asked, "What does a god do?"

"Every god has a domain, or area of expertise. Skuld is Goddess of the Future--quite a large domain, but it gives her limited influence in the present. You would be the God of Transformations. Among other things, this would give you dominion over the Jusenkyo pools and all shape-changing individuals."

"No way," objected Ranma heatedly, "If I'm gonna be a god of anythin', it had better be martial arts!"

Skuld was shocked by the young man's effrontery. It had been over a thousand years since anyone had said 'no' to Kamisama.

Kamisama was delighted. "Ranma, I've been surrounded by a cadre of yes-men for thousands of years. It is so refreshing to hear someone say exactly what's on their mind. Do me a favor, and keep that innocent honesty. Now as to your objection, I think we can work something out." He seemed to change the subject. "Tell me, what to you really think of your gender-changing?"

"In the beginning, I hated it. Pop had taught me that girls were 'weak and silly,' and here I was becomin' one. Pop is often wrong, or flat-out lyin' to advance his own greed. In the last two years I've learned a lot. Girls have a different kind of strength than boys do--they bear burdens that would flatten a guy. Now I wonder if women don' deserve somethin' better than men..."

Kamisama interrupted with a laugh. "Sometimes I wonder the same thing myself. Ranma, the 'curses' of the pools are a teaching aid; each pool attracts people who most need to learn the lessons that they can teach. That is why the area is called 'Jusenkyo _training_ ground.' Your father didn't realize that the training they offer extends far beyond martial arts. If you become the master of Jusenkyo, you'll have to keep that in mind."

"Still, the curse is very inconvenient. I get splashed all the time, and I can't ever tell what gender I'll be two minutes from now. I have to check my body before using a public restroom..." He trailed off, lost in thought.

Kamisama smiled and nodded. "Ranma, I think we can work something out..."

* * *

Akane was pacing back and forth in the bathroom. A strange girl had taken Ranma away, and Akane couldn't do anything about it except worry. At exactly one minute after he disappeared there was another brief flash of light and Ranma and Skuld reappeared. Ranma quietly tossed a damp towel into the hamper.

Akane stared at Ranma--he had changed considerably. He was wearing a vest of red-brown leather, embossed with a diamond-shaped pattern that made it look like dragon skin, and held almost closed in front by eight golden chains. The opening in the vest gave tantalizing glimpses of a very masculine chest. He wore black tights, with a stripe of the same ruddy leather along the outside seam. Ankle-high boots of matching leather and black arm bracers completed his costume. She noticed a small golden hoop earring on each ear, and some strange new marks on his face. His forehead mark looked like two distorted yin-yang symbols, one above the other, forming a figure-eight shape. All in all, he looked like the swashbuckling hero of an adventure movie. Ranma's body language had changed too--his posture suggested confidence and maturity that he had never exhibited before. Akane sensed that she was in the presence of great power, but she couldn't tell who was the source.

Overcome with emotion, Akane whispered, "Ranma, is that you?"

He beamed at her. "Yes, it's me. I'm still Ranma."

"What happened?" she croaked.

"I'll tell you all about it soon. I don't have as much time as I'd like to have, so I can't beat around the bush. First I have to ask you two important questions--and I need honest answers, straight from your heart. Can you answer truthfully?"

Akane nodded nervously. Ranma had seldom been so serious before.

Keeping his voice carefully neutral, Ranma asked, "Akane, do you love me?"

Akane's habits almost got the better of her. She stopped herself from blurting out a reflexive denial. She had to answer truthfully. Akane searched her heart, trying to find the words to express what she really felt. Finally she announced, "Ranma, I love you so much it hurts. I hate it when all those other girls throw themselves at you..."

Ranma beamed at her fondly. "I love you too, tomboy. I knew you loved me, but I didn't know if you knew it." He hugged her. Akane thought she heard him murmur, "I've missed you so," but that couldn't be right. He'd only been gone for a minute. Skuld smiled fondly at them.

"Question two: Will you marry me, even if we can't have children?"

"Oh, Ranma, I'd marry you even if you turned into a cactus every time I hugged you."

Ranma chuckled. "I turn into something much stranger than that." He produced a small box out of nowhere. Akane's eyes grew wide. The box held a simple platinum ring with a three-quarter carat diamond of unusual clarity.

Akane looked at the ring, then at Ranma. "How did you know exactly what I wanted?"

"You'll see. Right now it's time to let your family know what happened." He turned and opened the door quickly, revealing Nabiki eavesdropping with a glass held to her ear and the other Tendos behind her. There were several exclamations of surprise at Ranma's new costume. Nobody commented on Skuld's presence, they were used to strange girls showing up near Ranma.

"Since we can't all fit in the bathroom, why don't we adjourn to the living room?" suggested Ranma. Nabiki noted that Ranma didn't normally use words like 'adjourn.'

When everyone had settled in the living room Nabiki demanded to see Akane's ring. Akane proudly showed it to her. Nabiki produced a jeweler's loupe and examined the diamond. "Good stone, but a little small. Couldn't you afford something larger, Ranma?" The twinkle in her eye showed that she was only teasing.

Akane defended him. "It's not small, it's just the right size, and I love it."

Ranma displayed a polished transparent stone the size and shape of a large hen's egg. It was mostly transparent, with a pink starburst in the center. The starburst resembled a three-dimensional snowflake with tapering arms or the star in a star sapphire. "Well, Nabiki, since you appreciate large rocks, this one is for you."

Nabiki accepted his offering and examined it closely. She seemed to get lost in admiration. "Wow, this is really beautiful. What is it, rose quartz?"

"It's a natural diamond, Nabiki, the largest one on Earth. And it's all yours." Ranma looked smug.

Nabiki had to sit down before she fell down.

Kasumi exclaimed, "Oh my." (Big surprise, huh?) Skuld did a double-take and examined the eldest Tendo sister carefully. She was sure she had heard Belldandy's voice.

"Is it really a diamond?" Nabiki asked.

Ranma answered, "It is. I cannot lie, Nabiki."

"Thank you, God," breathed Nabiki.

"You're welcome," answered Ranma with just a hint of amusement, followed by a slight bow. "I have another gift, this one for the whole family." He produced a DVD and gave it to the middle sister.

Nabiki read the label aloud: "'Fists of Lightning' - a video game? Why do we need a video game?"

"I designed it and Skuld coded it. I thought you could sell it to your cousin Nin, to defray some of the costs you've incurred by hosting the Saotome freeloaders."

Nabiki was confused. "I'm not aware of any cousin Nin..."

Skuld covered her smile with her hand and suppressed a giggle.

Akane looked confused for a moment and then she groaned.

Finally, Nabiki got the joke. "Nin Tendo - Oh, that's awful, Ranma."

The new god turned towards Kasumi. "I have a gift for you too." A potted orchid appeared in his hand.

Kasumi accepted the flower and sniffed it. "Oh my. It's beautiful, and it smells lovely too. I've never seen anything like this. What is it?"

"This is a magical orchid--it will last forever without having to be cared for. The blossom will change color depending on what the weather will be, and the aroma will change to reflect your mood. You can take one or two leaves per day and add them to your cooking--they'll contribute an interesting flavor, never the same twice. I thought you'd appreciate it."

"Really? It sounds wonderful," Kasumi said.

"Oh, it is wonderful," Ranma answered.

Kasumi answered, "My goodness. Thank you very much, Ranma, I really like this." Turning towards Skuld, she added, "Who is this girl, Ranma? Another one of your admirers?"

The girl in question replied, "I am Skuld, First Class Goddess of the Future." This was greeted by murmurs of disbelief from the Tendos, which ceased as soon as Skuld unfurled her radiant snow-white wings. Soun fainted. Skuld retracted her wings, having made her point.

Ranma made a gesture and Soun revived. "Skuld is my mentor for the next few years. Kamisama sent her here to offer me a wish. I asked for the ability to solve all my problems. What I didn't realize was that my troubles were so numerous and so severe that I had inadvertently asked for god-level powers."

"What happened?" asked Akane. "It looked like Skuld took you away and brought you back."

"Kamisama ordered Skuld to bring me to His office for a conference. After some discussion we decided on the best way to grant my wish. I am now the new God of Martial Arts."

"That figures," muttered Nabiki.

"Oh my," said Kasumi.

Ranma displayed his newly-acquired wings. The Tendo girls gathered around to examine them, exclaiming about how soft the snow-white feathers felt. He retracted his wings when their curiosity was satisfied.

"But that's not all," continued Ranma. He shifted to his girl form without benefit of water. She now wore a bright red bodice that showed off her figure, a black skirt that reached almost to her knees, black fishnet stockings, white boots that reached to mid-calf, fingerless white elbow-length gloves, an elaborate gold choker necklace, and golden hoop earrings similar to those Ranma had worn while male. This outfit proclaimed "here is a proud, tough, confident, woman." Her forehead mark now looked like two distorted yin-yang symbols side by side, resembling the "lazy eight" symbol for infinity.

She put her hand behind her head in a parody of Ranma's gesture of nervousness and said, "Hello. I'm Ranko, Goddess of Transformations. Sorry about this."

"Show off," muttered Nabiki.

"Oh my," said Kasumi.

Soun fainted again. Skuld gestured and he revived.

Akane rose to the occasion. "My name is Akane. Would you like to be friends?"

Ranko's smile was radiant. "Yes, I'd like that." She hugged Akane, who returned the hug.

Ranko said, "One more revelation and then we can call it a night. Chaos, come forth." Ranko's angel emerged from her back. Chaos resembled both Ranma and Ranko, in an androgynous sort of way. It had dark red hair unbound and free, and the same blue-grey eyes that had captivated so many hearts. Chaos was dressed in a modified toga-style wrap that allowed its white wings to more freely. The angel bowed to the Tendos and smiled.

"Oh my," said Kasumi. She says that a lot, doesn't she?

Skuld glared at Soun, who did not faint.

"What is Chaos?" asked Nabiki.

"Every god has an angel, which is an extension of his or her soul. Angels generally have to obey their hosts, but they can act independently when necessary. I named mine 'Chaos' because I'd been surrounded by chaos all my life. Now I'm still accompanied by Chaos wherever I go, but now it's under my control."

"Chaos is very beautiful," observed Kasumi, "Is it a boy or a girl?"

"Normally an angel is the same gender as their deity. Because of my unique condition, Chaos is sometimes male, sometimes female, and sometimes neuter."

Chaos blushed slightly and merged back into Ranko.

Nabiki, whose powers of observation missed very little, asked, "Ranko, are you a real girl now?"

Ranko nodded. "Yes, by my choice. I'm not a guy in a girl's body anymore. I have a girl's mind when I'm a girl, and a boy's mind when I'm a boy, but I'm still the same person in either form. Before you ask, I'm still attracted to Akane romantically, but I might be drawn to men in the future."

"Thanks. I notice your grammar and pronunciation have improved considerably," said Nabiki.

"I've had quite an education," Ranko answered. "It's getting late, so this meeting is over. But before we go, you should know that you will not be able to tell anyone about our engagement or my ascension until I have told that person myself."

"Drat!" exclaimed Nabiki, visions of lost profits dancing in her head.

* * *

Tatewaki Kuno was standing on the lawn in front of the high school, leaning forward a bit as he declaimed, "Ah, fairest golden-haired maiden, thou art lovely to behold. Are you new to this school? If not, mine eyes have overlooked a charming, if diminutive, beauty for far too long."

"Why is Kuno coming on to a dandelion?" asked a student who had overheard this speech.

"He's a few cards short of a full deck," answered his friend.

"Kuno's a few seeds short of a full packet, if you ask me," added another friend.

"The damsel answers not," continued Kuno, "She must be shy, or overawed by my magnificence."

A passing girl muttered, "The only thing magnificent about Kuno is the size of his ego."

"He's lost it," replied her friend.

"Nah, he never had it in the first place," the first girl concluded.

Tatewaki tired of his pursuit of the nonresponsive dandelion, and turned to enter the high school. He soon encountered a girl on the path. "Do mine eyes deceive me? A chrysanthemum with ebon petals growing in the walkway--'tis surpassing strange." Kuno leaned forwards and sniffed the girl's hair. "Ah! A most pleasing floral scent..."

Kuno's audible musings were interrupted when the girl slapped him and ran away sobbing. He stood there shocked at this unexpected turn of events. He slowly brought a hand to his smarting cheek. "Perchance I have been stung by a bee lurking in yon fair flower," He paused, then continued, "But lo! The flower is gone!"

"E's gone 'round the bend," observed a passing student in a fake Cockney accent (Nihongo in a Cockney accent? Shudder!)

"E's lost his marbles," replied another, in a similar phoney accent.

Kuno waxed indignant. "I have not lost my marbles!" he declared, "They're under my bed in a little bag...Wait a minute... What am I saying?"

A moment later Tatewaki was sitting upright in his bed, shuddering and sweating. "What an odd dream! I wonder what it means. Am I really so deluded that I cannot tell onna from hana?" Unfortunately for Tatewaki, it was the first of a series of dreams that would lead him to question his grip on reality. Healing requires a certain amount of discomfort.

* * *

The next morning Ranma, in his familiar red and black civilian garb, and Akane were walking to school. Ranma was on the ground, not on top of the fence, so they could talk more easily.

"Now that we're alone," Akane began, "Why did you say that you haven't much time?"

"I have only five or six weeks to tie up loose ends and settle any unfinished business. That should be enough time, but I may have to rush it a bit. Akane, we gods have a treaty with the demons - they'll stay away from Midgard (that's what we call the Earth) if we stay away too."

Akane shivered at the mention of demons. "Okay, why did you imply that we couldn't have children"

"Not couldn't, but shouldn't. It wouldn't be fair to the kid."

"I don't understand."

"Akane, I'm a god and you're not. If we had a child, we would have three possibilities: Option one--the child is a full god. The adolescence of a deity lasts a thousand years. At the end of your lifespan, he'd be like a twelve-year old who has lived sixty odd years. You Tendo girls know what it's like to lose a mother at an early age."

Akane cringed. She wouldn't wish that on anyone.

He continued, "Option two--the child is a demigod. He'd have a normal adolescence, but would could live for five hundred years or more. As a demigod, he'd have no real peer group, and couldn't find a mate who lived as long as himself. Worse yet, demigods tend to 'live in interesting times,' and I've had enough of that to last a lifetime. I wouldn't want that for my kid."

"Is option three a mortal child?"

"Yes, and he'd resent our not having chosen options one or two. Why should he settle for one century of life when he could have had many?"

"You're right, there are no easy answers. Is there anything we can do?"

"Well, I wished for the power to solve all my problems. If you were to grow old and die, that would be a problem for me, right?"

Akane squealed, "Really?"

"Don't get your hopes up. I could slow your growing older, and I could possibly arrange for you to be immortal, but you don't qualify to be a goddess yet."

"Why not?"

He looked into her eyes and gently answered, "Can you picture the power of a full goddess in the hands of somebody with your temper and jealousy?"

She paused. In a very small voice, Akane replied, "It would be a disaster..."

"There's still time to smooth out your rough edges, but you'd have to do it yourself. It would be unethical if I were to cast a spell on you to improve your behavior. Kamisama gave us all free will, and I'm not going to override Him."

"I see. Being a god is complicated, isn't it?"

"It is if you want to do it well. If I'm a god, I want to be the best god I can be. It's a job, Akane, and I have to work at it."

Just then the ladle lady appeared on her porch. She took aim at Ranma and then carefully poured the contents of the ladle on her own head. She looked very surprised and quite wet.

Ranma smirked.

"Was that your doing?" Akane asked. Ranma nodded.

"That wasn't nice, Ranma."

"She wasn't being nice either. She had plenty of opportunities to not splash me, and she never took one."

"What did you do?"

"While you were sleeping last night I did several workings. The ladle lady will get a dose of her own medicine if she intends to soak any person, otherwise she'll be able to do as she pleases. I'm not forcing her to be nice, but I'm gently encouraging her to be nicer."

"You said 'several workings.' What else did you do?"

Ranma looked pleased with himself. "I can fix my own problems, but I don't have to fix other people's troubles. As of this morning, none of the Kunos will be able to see or touch either of us. It will seem to them that we no longer exist, except they can still hear us. It's tempting to tease them, but it would be kinder not to."

Akane asked, "Couldn't you just cure them of their madness?"

"Of course I could, but I won't. Akane, imagine you are Tatewaki Kuno. For years you've had delusions of adequacy, or rather delusions of grandeur. You couldn't even tell what century this is and tried to behave like a samurai. Then this morning you woke up cold sober and fully sane. What do you feel?"

Akane paled. "Mortification, dishonor, disgrace. I might even attempt suicide." She shuddered. "You have to be very careful, don't you?"

"More than you can imagine. Have you ever tried to crack an egg with a bulldozer?"

Akane was wide-eyed. "You mean..."

"I have more than enough power to destroy this whole world. Not just kill all living things, but enough to turn the entire planet into incandescent vapor. With great power comes great responsibility." He reached up to touch his earring. "These limiters and my sense of ethics are the only things that keep me in check. I don't have the luxury of getting angry anymore." Ranma looked sober.

"Oh my," said Kasumi's sister. She tried to imagine herself not being allowed to get angry. "I don't think I could manage that, I'm afraid."

"We not only have to tread very lightly, we have to keep our very existence secret. Akane, what do you suppose would happen if it were known that gods were walking the Earth?"

She pondered for a moment. "There'd be riots. Sect would battle sect, the laity would rebel against the clergy for misleading them, even the atheists would be rocked to their core. Fundamentalists would attack the gods themselves for not conforming to their theology. It would get ugly."

"It's worse than that. People would petition us to grant them favors, and they'd stop working for themselves. We couldn't answer every prayer even if we wanted to--many prayers contradict each other--and it wouldn't even be good for those whose prayers were answered. If you think couch potatoes are unhealthy, just consider prayer junkies."

Akane was silent. They were nearing Furinkan, and couldn't continue the discussion where they might be overheard.

* * *

Tatewaki Kuno was standing near the main entrance to the school looking in vain for his 'loves.' Ranma stepped back as Akane approached Tatewaki with an expression of distaste on her face. Kuno took no notice. Experimentally, she covered his eyes with her hand. He continued to ignore her. Some nearby students paused to watch. Akane tentatively tried to poke Kuno in the chest. Her finger met no resistance as it slid into his body. The watching students pointed and gaped in surprise as Akane's arm slid through Tatewaki's torso and her hand emerged from his back.

"What are you peasants staring at?" Kuno asked angrily. There was no coherent reply to his question.

The warning bell rang. Rather than be late, Ranma grabbed Akane and leaped upwards, entering their classroom through the third-floor window.

Akane protested, "You didn't have to do that, Ranma. I could have made it on time."

Their teacher, Miss Hinako, rebuked him angrily. "Ranma, how many times have I told you to use the door, not the window? I've even had to leave the...windows...closed?" She stopped in confusion. The classroom windows were closed and had not been opened. Ranma had phazed through the windowpane.

"Gomen. Sensei," said Ranma. Funny, he didn't look sorry at all.

"Akane, take your seat. Ranma, go stand in the hall--bucket duty."

"Hai, Sensei," Ranma answered. He walked over and sat at his desk.

"Ranma, I told you to stand in the hall." Hinako was losing her temper.

"I _am_ standing in the hall, Sensei. I have obeyed your order."

"What are you trying to pull? You are not in the hall, you are seated at your desk in here."

"Go look in the hall, Hinako-Sensei. I am doing bucket duty. You didn't say I can't sit in here too."

The teacher stomped over to the door and opened it. Ranma was standing in the hallway holding two buckets full of water. He gave her a slight bow and a faint smirk. She stared in shock--the world was not ready for two Ranmas.

Akane elbowed Ranma and muttered, "Showoff."

Ranma gave her a familiar cocky grin.

Curiously enough, Akane was greatly relieved to see his smirk. She had almost gotten used to Ranma's divine status, but this new Ranma was mature, considerate, and thoughtful--qualities noticeably lacking in the old Ranma. That grin belonged to the Ranma she knew and loved; it proved that he was still the same person, only better.

Hinako came back in, beside herself with frustration. (Ranma was beside himself too, but he was not at all frustrated.) "I don't know what you're trying to do, truant, but I will not put up with it." She pulled out her dreaded 50-yen coin. The students next to Ranma began edging away from him.

"Sensei, don't!" warned Akane.

Hinako paid no heed. "Happo fifty..." the ki-vampire began. She felt as if she had been kicked by a wild horse--her body went from twelve years old to late twenties so quickly that she got friction burns from her clothes. The teacher's hair stood on end, and her eyes were wild spirals. "Aaahh..." said the teacher as she slid down to the floor. Curiously, Ranma did not look at all drained of ki. He made a hidden gesture and Hinako revived.

There didn't seem to be anything else Hinako could do except gather her dignity and begin the day's lessons. "Class, open your books to page 87..."

* * *

Nabiki had gone clear across Tokyo to visit a reputable jeweler where she would not be recognized. Mr. Urushihara, the owner, greeted her as she entered the shop. "May I help you with anything, miss?"

Nabiki approached the counter. After making sure that she would not be observed, she took Ranma's gift out of her bag and showed it to the jeweler. "Can you tell me what this is?"

Mr. Urushihara took the stone carefully and examined it. He couldn't conceal his surprise. "Extraordinary," he murmured, and then aloud, "Excuse me, I'll be back in a few minutes." He went into the curtained-off rear section of the store.

Nabiki waited as patiently as she could. After a few minutes the owner returned with an awed expression on his face. "This is a type IIb diamond, the same kind as the Hope diamond. I have to tell you that I have never heard of a diamond of this size. Its clarity and symmetry make it truly unique. Tell me, where did you get it?"

"A friend of mine gave it to me as a gift." Nabiki was having trouble controlling her emotions. Ranma was telling the truth. She had suspected as much--he had always been the world's worst liar, and his sense of honor usually forbade fibbing.

"He just gave it to you?" The jeweler was astonished. "You have a most unusual friend."

"You don't know the half of it," Nabiki thought. She answered, "Money has no value to him, and he knew I appreciated fine things, so he gave it to me. Do you have any estimate of it's worth?"

Mr. Urushihara replied, "It's literally priceless. There is nothing on Earth to compare it to. This stone dwarfs any other diamond we know of. Are you going to have it cut, or faceted?"

"And spoil it? You've got to be kidding. May I have it back now?"

The jeweler reluctantly gave the stone back to her. He still looked somewhat dazed.

"How much do I owe you for your time?" Nabiki asked.

Mr. Urushihara waved dismissively. "Nothing, my dear. I should pay you for the privilege of holding that remarkable stone. If I were you, I'd keep it a secret--it'll never be safe otherwise."

Nabiki bowed. "Thanks. I think I will keep it a secret."

***

* * *

Author's interjections:

Is Akane out-of-character? Why would she confess her love so easily?  
She's in a state of shock because of the changes in Ranma; she's in awe of his aura of power and maturity; and finally Ranma's words and piercing gaze make it clear that she has to answer truthfully. After Ranma asks her to marry him, most of her jealousy and insecurity evaporate. Think about it - a great burden has been lifted from her soul.

Does (cannon) Akane really love Ranma or doesn't she?  
Yes, I'm sure she does, and she partially explains the reasons why in one of these chapters. She had been the most sought-after girl in school until Ranma showed up, and you know what happened then. Besides, if she didn't love him why would she act so jealous?

Does (cannon) Ranma really love Akane?  
Would he be motivated to kill a god if he didn't? He loudly declared his love when he was sure nobody could hear (at Jusendo).

If they really love each other, why do they fight so much?  
Most people answer, "pride, stubbornness, ego." I add, "how soon would their fathers have them in front of a priest if they were to exhibit the least bit of affection for each other?" They don't dare to not fight, since they know they are too young to marry and settle down.

Nabiki has a priceless gem that she really can't sell, even though it's very valuable. Do you think Ranma is trying to teach her the true value of money?

Kasumi actually says "ara" - but not quite as often as I have portrayed her here. It's a Japanese interjection whose closest English equivalent is "Oh My."

Mike


	2. 2r2 Old Friends

Ranma's Ascension - Chapter 2  
By Mike Breslau

Disclaimer: Better folks than I own most of the characters that appear in this writing. The original characters (you'll know them when you meet them) in this work are mine, all mine! (But you can borrow them if you'll treat them kindly.)

A note about the 'omake'. It's not a parody of Sailor Moon, it's a parody of Sailor Moon Fanfiction! (Caution: humor ahead) You'll see more of it in the next chapters.

* * *

At lunchtime Ranma and Akane were seated under their favorite tree, peacefully eating their bentos. Kuno came storming onto the field. "Where is that vile cur, Saotome? I hear he has been mocking me, the Blue Thunder of Furinkan high."

Akane whispered, "I wish you had arranged for us not to hear him--I'm so tired of listening to his pompous ranting." Ranma grinned at her and nodded his agreement.

A puzzled student pointed out Ranma's location to Tatewaki. Kuno looked right at Ranma but didn't see him. "Do not mock me, young man," he growled.

The student quaked in fear, but could not deny the evidence of his senses. "Saotome is sitting beneath that tree. Ask anyone if you don't believe me."

The True Blunder of Furinkan High asked two other students and received the same reply. He stalked over to the indicated tree, inadvertently stepping on and through Akane's leg. Akane remained quiet so as to not upset the upperclassman.

Kuno drew his boken and waved it like a blind man feeling with his cane. The wooden sword passed harmlessly through Ranma, who smirked, and Akane, who didn't. "There's nobody here," he muttered. "Even if the vile sorcerer is invisible I would have felt him." Students watching this strange scene murmured in astonishment. Even allowing for the strangeness that followed Ranma around, this was remarkable.

Tatewaki spotted Nabiki in the crowd of onlookers and approached her. "Nabiki Tendo, can you explain what is going on? It seems that everyone thinks that vile Ranma is sitting beneath yon tree, yet I see him not."

Nabiki opened her mouth to reply, but nothing came out. She shook her head. "I'm sorry, Kuno, but I can't tell you."

Tatewaki produced a thick sheaf of currency. "Name your price, Nabiki. I must know what is going on."

Nabiki eyed the money hungrily, then reluctantly replied, "It's not that I don't want to tell you, Kuno, but I literally cannot speak of this." She began to sweat.

Kuno slumped in defeat, and angrily returned to the school building.

"I almost feel sorry for him," said Akane.

"I have an idea that should improve matters," answered Ranma, "But it will have to wait until tonight."

* * *

Miss Hinako was resting in the teacher's lounge after the school day ended. The day's events had been unusually stressful for her. Although her transformation to adult form rarely lasted more than half an hour, her body was still about nineteen years old--and five hours had passed since her ki overdose that morning. She felt a brief electrical tingle, and the room suddenly became totally silent. The quality of the lighting shifted, as if a thin cloud had covered the sun.

Ranko floated into the lounge dressed in her goddess garb.

The teacher said, "Ranma, you know students aren't allowed in here."

"My name is Ranko, Miss Hinako, and I'm the Goddess of Transformations. I'm making time so that I can talk to you in private, Sensei."

Hinako would have dismissed that claim as preposterous, but she noticed two things: no one else in the room was moving, and Ranko was hovering two inches above the floor. "What's going on?" she asked, "What's wrong with them?"

"There's nothing wrong with them," replied the goddess, "You and I are outside of time so we can talk without interruption."

"Oh... I see, I think." Hinako was feeling surprisingly calm.

"First I'd like to apologize for teasing you this morning--that was behavior unbecoming to a deity. I have to act the way Ranma normally acts or else the students will become suspicious."

"Ah! I see. Apology accepted. What did you want to talk about?"

"Miss Hinako, you are in my domain because of your shape-changing ability. That means I'm somewhat like a parent to you--I can advise you, guide you, or bless you as needed. Don't worry, I won't do anything to you without your consent." Ranko paused to let that sink in. "Do you like the way you are now? Would you prefer to be an adult all the time, or a child all the time, or would you like to have voluntary control over your age?"

The teacher looked wistful. "I'd like to be an adult all the time, this constant changing is so inconvenient. But, I have a disease that will kill me if I stay grown-up for too long."

Ranko made a dismissive gesture. "I can cure that, so don't let it influence your answer."

Hinako brightened. "In that case, I would prefer to be a healthy young adult all the time."

Ranko smiled. A pink ball of light appeared in her hand and then seemed to flow over the teacher. "Done. You'll be twenty-three years old from now on."

Hinako examined herself. "Will I still be able to drain the ki from delinquents?"

"Yes, you can, but at a slightly slower rate. That will give you more control."

"Why are you doing this? I've never given you a reason to be nice to me."

"I'm doing it because I can. Goddesses are supposed to be good people; demons are supposed to be the bad guys. You were getting no benefit from your age changing, so there's no reason for you to keep it."

"Thank you, Ranko. I really appreciate this."

Ranko beamed at her. "You're welcome. Now that you're not a shape-changer anymore, you're no longer in my domain. You will remember this meeting, but it will seem like a dream. You can tell people that you've been cured, but you can't tell them about my divinity. Okay?"

Hinako nodded. Ranko floated out of the lounge and the room returned to normal.

"What an extraordinary daydream," thought Miss Hinako.

* * *

Nodoka was puttering in her kitchen and Genma was watching TV in the living room when the doorbell rang. She went to the front door and found Ranma, in civilian clothes, and Akane, in her school uniform, standing outside. "Come in dears, You don't have to ring, you're always welcome here."

They went into the living room. Ranma announced, "Mom and Pop, I have good news, bad news, and incredible news." His parents could tell that he was both amused and excited.

"What is the good news, Son?" asked Nodoka eagerly.

"Akane and I will be married within a month." Akane beamed with happiness. Genma produced two fans and began a victory dance. Ranma glared at his father. "The wedding will be at a time and place of our own choosing. If anybody tries to rush us, force us, or influence us in any way, they won't be allowed to attend." Genma sobered up quickly.

"I'm so glad you've made up your minds, dears. Congratulations." Nodoka hugged both youngsters.

"What's the bad news?" asked Genma, showing some concern.

"I'm sorry, but the houses will not be joined," answered Ranma, "You'll have to write me out of the Saotome clan."

Genma was outraged. "What?"

Nodoka was shocked. "Why?"

Ranma grinned at them and shifted to his divine form. He stopped holding in his powerful aura. "That's the incredible news. I am now the God of Martial Arts--and a god can't belong to a mortal clan. My full name is only Ranma now."

Nodoka looked at her child and declared, "My son is so manly! You look divine, Ranma."

Genma was stunned. He knew that Ranma was a powerful martial artist, but he'd never expected _this_. "How is that possible, Son?"

"It seems that Kamisama took pity on me because of all the painful troubles I'd been put through." Ranma paused to glare angrily at his father. "So he sent a goddess to grant me a wish. I asked for the power to solve all my problems, now and in the future. Kamisama called us into his office for a conference, He explained that I'd have to be a god in order to have enough power to fix all my troubles. I accepted, and here I am." He grinned broadly.

Nodoka was filled with admiration. "That's unbelievable, Ranma. I'm so proud of you."

Ranma held up his hand. "That's not all, folks." He shifted to his goddess form. "I'm also Ranko, the Goddess of Transformations. As a god, I have dominion over all martial artists. As a goddess, my domain includes the Jusenkyo pools and curses, and all shape-shifters." He looked at his father. "I've got you covered twice, old man."

Genma's eyes glazed over as he attempted to process all this information. "Does that mean you can cure my curse?" he asked hopefully.

The goddess stared at her father. "Pop, the Jusenkyo curses are intended to educate, not to punish. My 'curse' taught me to respect women, to see them as equal to and in some ways better than men. You, on the other hand, have refused to learn anything from your panda form. I will alter your curse so that its lessons are obvious enough to get through even your thick skull."

Genma looked worried. "What are you going to do?"

"First, your cursed form will be able to talk. Second, you won't change with hot or cold water anymore--the transformation will be under your voluntary control."

"That doesn't sound so bad," mused Genma.

"You now have a new trigger, Pop, and it's entirely voluntary. If you do anything greedy, lazy, or illegal--if you practice any of the seven deadly sins--you go furry for up to 24 hours. On the other hand, if you do anything responsible, respectable, or honorable then you will return to your human form."

Genma looked ashen. "Son, don't you have any respect for your father?"

"How much respect have you earned, old man?" Ranko glared, then continued in a thoughtful tone, "Of course, I'll have to redecorate your panda form a little to make sure you get the message." She waved her hand, and Genma was in his furry form.

Genma's cursed form was still panda-shaped, but it was definitely more colorful. He still had black ears and black eye-spots, but the rest of his fur was white with bright day-glow decorations. There was a tie-dye pattern on his torso, a paisley design on his right arm, polka-dots on his left arm, undulating stripes on his right leg, and a kaleidoscope pattern on his left leg.

"That's hard on the eyes, Ranko," Nodoka admonished, squinting.

"Turn around, Pop, and give us a full view." On the panda's back appeared the kanji for 'kick me' in black fur, and in smaller type the words 'I deserve it.'

"That's harsh, Ranko. Even Genma doesn't deserve 'kick me,'" Akane observed.

"All he has to do is act decently and he'll stay human for the rest of his life," replied Ranko.

"I'm doomed," Genma wailed. He almost started crying like Soun. "Son, can't you turn me back the way I was?"

Ranko looked thoughtful. "Well, I'm also the God of Martial Arts. Would you rather have neko-ken training until you learned the unbeatable technique?"

Genma panicked. "No, no, that's quite all right. I'd rather stay the way I am."

Ranko smiled benevolently. "I thought you'd see reason. I do have your best interests at heart, old man." She waved her hand and Genma was human again.

It has been noted that Nodoka has her own slightly skewed perspective on things. She gushed, "My daughter is so manly! In a completely feminine way, of course." After a moment she sobered up. "You know I have no other children, Ranko. Does this mean the end of the Saotome clan?"

"Just how important is that to you, Mom?"asked Ranko.

"It's quite important, though not as important as your ascension, Dear."

"Well, be of good cheer, Mother. In just over eight months you will give birth to a fine healthy boy," Ranko replied.

Nodoka looked shocked, then elated. Everyone else chorused, "Oh my!"

Ranko continued, "Try to raise him better than you raised me." Ranko glared at her father. "No trips to China, no nekoken, and remember that school and socialization are important too."

Genma sullenly nodded his conscent.

* * *

(flashback)

Skuld lead Ranma into a large room filled with floating paper-thin display screens. Like most of the public areas in Asgard, it automatically expanded itself to comfortably hold all the occupants inside. A few deities went about their duties in the distance, but otherwise the room was quiet.

Ranma examined the room, grateful for his enhanced godly senses. If he were still mortal, he would have gotten a headache trying to decide if this space was rectangular or elliptical in shape. In fact, the room was both and neither--it was more than three-dimensional and less than four-dimensional. Kamisama liked fractal geometries.

"This is our 'reference library,'" Skuld explained. "We have a few formalities to take care of before we start your training."

Ranma looked around and admired the view. "Nice place, it's peaceful in here. What kinda formalities?"

"Every god has a teleport medium, an alternate energy source, an on-duty uniform, and address here in Asgard, and several other things that we are here to look up. Follow me." She approached a screen whose translucent state showed that it was not in use. "Query personnel file of Ranma, God of Martial Arts," she commanded. The screen turned opaque green and filled with text in a language that Ranma had never seen before.

"Hey, I can understand this stuff," Ranma exclaimed in surprise.

"All deities know every language fluently. You really have no excuse for sloppy grammar anymore, Ranma." Skuld studied the screen. "Hmm, that's unusual..."

"Is there a problem?" asked Ranma, being careful to speak correctly.

"You have two of almost everything. They're treating your female aspect and male aspect as if they were separate deities, except you have only one address." Skuld giggled. "I guess you're going to be cohabiting with yourself."

"That's not funny," muttered Ranma. "What is a teleport medium?"

"That's a slightly obsolete concept. We used to travel from place to place using our medium, but now we can teleport directly from place to place using less energy. Your guy side is assigned to use water, like me, and your girl side uses shiny surfaces, like my sister Belldandy."

"My guy side has trouble avoiding water--is that why it was chosen for my medium?"

"Probably," answered Skuld with a shrug.

Ranma read over her shoulder. "My girl form gets energy from eating ice cream and my boy form has to eat chocolate? I think I can live with that," he said, grinning. "Why do I need an energy source?"

"Here in Asgard you don't really need one, because mana is abundant here. On Midgard you may run out of power if you expend too much too rapidly, and that's when you need to recharge. We can gain energy from our individual sources, or from contact with moon rocks, if they're available."

"Moon rocks?" asked Ranma incredulously.

Skuld answered, "It's a long story." She changed the subject. "While you're here in Asgard you're expected to wear your on-duty uniform. For the next two weeks you'll wear this," she waved her hand. Ranma found himself clad in a red tunic over black tights, both made of a silky, yet spandex-like, material. It was quite comfortable and allowed full freedom of movement.

"I look like a comic-book superhero," Ranma complained.

"You _are_ a superhero, Ranma. You'll be able to redesign your garb to suit yourself in a couple of weeks, and every decade thereafter. You won't ever be stuck in clothes that you don't like."

She scanned the rest of the file quickly, and then motioned Ranma to follow her. "We have to pick up something, and then I can lead you to your home in Asgard."

Skuld lead Ranma to a surrealistic garden where the plants seemed to be made of colored glass and the flower petals were jewels. A fragrant fountain of orange liquid made pleasant tinkling sounds in the background.

They were greeted by a statuesque blond wearing a toga-like garment. She greeted them with, "Hello, Skuld, nice to see you again. Is this the newbie? He's cute."

Skuld made introductions. "Erika, this is Ranma, the new God of Martial Arts. Ranma, Erika is our resident florist and caretaker of things botanical." Addressing the other goddess, she added, "I believe you have something for him."

"Yes, I have something most unusual for him." Erika left them for a moment and returned holding something small in her hand. "Here's your egg, Ranma. It's special for you."

Ranma took the proffered egg and examined it. The "egg" was the size of a jellybean, translucent blue with white streaks. It pulsed softly with light from something inside. "It's nice, but what's it for?" he asked in confusion.

"Just swallow it, Ranma, but don't chew," replied Erika.

"Swallow it?" asked Ranma, still confused. Both goddesses nodded and smiled. "Okay, here goes." The egg was soft and went down easily. "How much weirder can this day get?" he thought. Ranma felt a sense of warmth in his abdomen, a strangely comforting feeling.

"Let me show you to your new home," said Skuld.

In a few minutes, they were hovering in the air near the trunk of the largest tree imaginable. Its trunk was miles in diameter and impossibly high, its rough-textured bark interrupted here and there by illuminated rectangles. Glancing upwards, one could see that the leaves of the tree were responsible for the green color of the sky.

"That's a tree?" asked Ranma in shock, "It's enormous! And those lights, they're windows and doors..."

"Welcome to the World Tree," answered Skuld, who was enjoying watching his reaction. "It's an important bit of unreal estate here in Asgard. Deities live in apartments in the trunk," she raised an arm to point upwards, "and they work in the branch offices up there."

Ranma floated there trying to decide if he should laugh or groan, and tried to see whether Skuld was teasing him.

Skuld took his hand and flew to one of the illuminated rectangles. It turned out to be a large door with a nameplate that read: 'Ranma / Ranko'. She opened the door and went inside, revealing a bare room 16 meters by 10 meters in size. The walls and floor revealed the rich woodgrain of the living tree, while the ceiling softly glowed white. "This is your new home, Ranma. You are expected to customize to suit yourself--make it larger or smaller, add rooms and furniture, whatever you want."

"Can I put in a dojo?" he asked eagerly.

"Of course."

Ranma felt something unusual - as if an itch between his shoulder blades was being scratched from the inside. "What the..." Abruptly, the sensation ended and a petite winged figure, about eight inches high flew around his head and hovered in front of him. "Hello - what's this?" he asked in surprise.

Skuld was delighted. "That's your angel, Ranma. Every deity has an angel, an extension of his heart made manifest. She hatched from the egg that you swallowed. You have to give her a name, and then she'll be your friend forever."

Ranma examined his new friend. "I think I'll call her Chaos; after all, I've been surrounded by chaos all my life."

Chaos beamed at her host. Although she said nothing Ranma could feel what she was thinking and feeling--and right now Chaos wanted to give him a hug. Ranma found it to be very rewarding--it was the first time anyone had offered him unconditional love and acceptance.

And so, for the first time ever, Ranma was really glad that he had ascended.

* * *

It was the calm before the storm of the dinner-hour rush in the Nekohanten. Cologne sat at a table doing some paperwork when Ranko entered.

Cologne began with her usual, "Welcome..." but didn't get any further. She noticed the fancy new garments, the body language, the aura of tremendous power, the new facial markings, and the fact that Ranko's feet didn't quite reach the floor. She came to the obvious conclusion. Cologne hopped down and prepared to prostrate herself.

Speaking in the native dialect of the Joketsuzoku, Ranko said, "Please don't do that, Elder Ku Lon. It serves no purpose, and it embarrasses me."

Cologne adapted quickly to the new situation. "If I may ask, Ranma, how long have you been a goddess?"

"That all depends, Elder. On your clock less than a day has passed, but I've had nearly three centuries of education since last night. Yes, dear, I'm older than you are now. Also, Ranma is the name of my male aspect, Ranko is the name of my female form."

Cologne boggled. It didn't faze her that Ranko was older than she was now, she could even accept son-in-law had become a deity, but Ranko had affectionately called her 'dear.'

"I see, I think," Cologne muttered.

"Elder, do you mind if I talk to you later? I have business with Mousse and Shampoo."

"I have patience, Ranko--but I do want to talk to you." Raising her voice, Cologne summoned Shampoo and Mousse.

The two young Amazons came into the dining room and stopped in shock.

Shampoo wailed, "Aiya, airen has turned into a..." She stopped in confusion. Just what had her airen turned into?

Ranko put her hand behind her head and said, "Hello, I'm Ranko, the Goddess of Transformations. I'm also Ranma, the God of Martial Arts, when I'm male. Sorry about this, but not very."

Mousse was dubious. "What nonsense is this, Saotome? And when did you learn to speak our language?"

Shampoo elbowed him. "Put glasses on, Mousse. Airen floating in the air."

Ranko answered, "Not nonsense, but serious business. As Goddess of Transformations I have dominion over Jusenkyo pools, their curses, and their victims. That means I have to take care of you and look out for your interests. Of course, my male aspect governs all martial artists, so I have you both covered twice."

Shampoo asked, "What does dominion mean?"

"It's somewhat like being a parent. I can advise you, command you, bless you, or curse you as needed. Don't worry, I'm sure you're going to like what I have planned."

There was an expectant silence. Cologne moved closer so she could get a better view.

Ranko resumed. "You are both going to have two alternate forms, not just one. Your changes will not be triggered by water, but will be under your voluntary control. Your non-human forms will be able to talk. Xian Pu, step forward."

Shampoo complied. A large mirror appeared in front of her. Ranko smiled and said, "Visualize your cat form." A moment later a pink and purple cat, still dry, was looking in the mirror.

"Aiya," said the cat, "Why do I have a crescent moon shape on my forehead?" The cat looked startled. "I can talk!"

Ranko looked amused. "I thought that a talking cat might need that symbol if she ever goes for a walk in Azabu Juuban." Ranko leaned forward, showing no sign of fear, and touched the cute little kitty. "And here's your new shape."

Neither cute nor little, an albino tiger with purple stripes looked at her reflection in the mirror. The tiger had a moon marking too. With great excitement she said, "Oh Meow! Shampoo really likes this form. Thank you so much, Ranko."

"Now concentrate on your human form, Xian Pu."

A moment later a fully clothed Shampoo stood erect. She bowed. "You have done me a great favor, Ranko. I am in your debt."

"How come her clothing disappeared when she went cat and returned when she became human?" asked Mousse.

"Were you looking for a free show, Mousse?" asked Ranko slyly. "I will grant you the same boon. Mu Tse, step forward."

Mousse stepped forward as Shampoo stepped back.

"Remember what it's like to be a duck," suggested Ranko.

In a moment a duck appeared where Mousse had been. There was a moon crescent on the bird too, but being white-on-white it was hard to see. "Quack," said the duck.

"Who are you calling a quack?" Ranko asked archly.

The duck replied, "Sorry, it's a reflex."

Ranko bent over and touched the duck. "Here's your alternate shape."

A hawk with white feathers trimmed in black appeared. It stared into the mirror and then preened. "I look very handsome like this," it said.

"Hawks are known for their keen eyesight, fierceness, and determination. I thought it would suit you, Mu Tse," said Ranko.

"Thank you for not turning me into a moose, I know you have a sense of humor, Ranko."

"Oh I do, but I don't have fun at other people's expense. Besides, I don't think you're full of bull. Now recall what it feels like to be a man."

Mousse stood erect, fully clothed and fully human.

Ranko continued. "Mu Tse, you have been unfairly handicapped by your poor vision. It's not genetic, your mother was poisoned while carrying you. She recovered, but your developing eyes were damaged. For the next month your eyesight will improve a little each day until it's somewhat sharper than 20/20. Your glasses will adapt to the change, until you don't need them anymore. That will give you time to adjust to being able to see."

"You are very generous, Ranko. I have done nothing to deserve this blessing." Mousse had a lump in his throat.

"On the contrary, when it matters most you have shown great courage. Have more faith in yourself, Mou Tse." Ranko then addressed both amazons. "Each of you will have to spend at least 24 hours out of each month in an animal form. You may choose the shape and the hours to suit yourself, and of course you may spend more time as an animal if you want to."

"Why is that?" Shampoo asked.

"The Jusenkyo 'curses' are a training tool. I don't want you to cut class. When you have learned your lessons, I will remove the quota."

"What is the value of being a duck?" asked Mousse. "I don't see how knowing how to fly makes me a better person."

"Why a duck?" Ranko asked in a fake Italian accent, then grinned at a secret joke. "Sorry, I can't tell you that, but I'll give you a hint. Think of the areas in which you are deficient, those things that are needed but you find hard to learn. There you will find your answers."

The two young Amazons looked crestfallen.

Ranko continued,"Mu Tse, I have another gift to offer you, but it will be up to you to accept or decline it. Think carefully before you answer. If you agree, then any children you father will be stronger, healthier, and better fighters than any other amazons of their generation."

Mousse was overwhelmed. If word of this blessing got out then every unwed amazon maiden (and quite a few married ones too) would be chasing him. Hiroshi or Daisuke would be thrilled at such a prospect, but Mousse wanted only one girl. Besides, Ranma had many beautiful women vying for his attention, and look at the trouble it caused him. He wanted no part of that! He bowed low. "I am honored by your offer, but I cannot accept it all. May I ask if you can grant me only a part of it, perhaps only 'healthier'?"

Ranko looked quite proud of him. "You are smarter than people give you credit for, Mu Tse. I shall grant you the healthier children guarantee. Give me your right hand."

To Mousse's surprise, Ranko leaned forward and kissed the back of his hand. He felt a jolt, somewhat like an electric shock, but it was not unpleasant.

"Xian Pu, I make a similar offer to you. If you accept then your children will be better fighters than any other amazons of their generation. Would you like that?"

Shampoo didn't hesitate. "I would be honored to have that blessing, Ranko." She bowed low and held out her right hand. Ranko smiled and kissed it. Shampoo's little jolt was a pleasant experience.

"Okay, I have finished my business with you two, now I must talk to Ku Lon." Ranko shifted into her Ranma form and walked over to the Elder.

Cologne could hardly contain her amusement or appreciation. "Ranma, you are as devious as a Joketsuzoku Elder. That was well done."

Ranma gave a slight bow and replied. "Thank you, I have learned from a master."

Cologne blushed at the implied compliment. "When Shampoo realizes that if she marries Mousse her children will be doubly blessed..." She chuckled. "You are still a better candidate husband than he is though."

"If Shampoo marries me she may die childless, Elder."

Cologne was shocked. "How could that be? Are you sterile?"

"Not quite. Deities are encouraged to have only one child. It would be unwise to waste my only opportunity with a mortal mate."

"Why is that?"

"We are immortal, Elder, and some of us are many thousands of years old. If we had children as often as humans do, how many gods would there be today?"

"I hadn't considered that. There would be trillions and trillions of you--you wouldn't have enough room to sit down because of overcrowding."

"Yes, crowding would be a problem, but there is a more serious difficulty. Every deity has a unique domain, and all the useful ones are already taken. If there were trillions of us, we would be reduced to such trivial domains as the God of Rusty Blue Volkswagens With One Flat Tire or the Goddess of Pipe-Smoking Nuns Who Knit Baby Clothes Out of Hemp."

Cologne cackled loudly and slapped her knee. "Well, we certainly wouldn't want that to happen." She sobered up. "I guess we'll have to stop pursuing you as a potential husband. Pity. When you killed that insufferable Saffron I realized that you were beyond the reach of our laws--perhaps beyond all human laws. It did make you even more desirable, so we kept on chasing you and hoping for the best."

"It was never meant to be, Elder" Ranma said gently.

"I realize that now. Yet, in the end, you treated us with more kindness than we deserved. How can you be so generous, Ranma?"

"Do you know Quan Yin?"

"The Goddess of Compassion and Mercy? I've heard of her, but of course I've never met her."

Ranma smiled. "She's a friend of mine, a charming person. Actually, I've always been a kind person. I rarely hurt an opponent any more than I had to, and sometimes I was unwisely generous to others. That sounds funny coming from a martial artist, but it's true."

"I suppose that pure heart is what qualified you to be promoted to deity," mused Cologne.

"In a way, yes," said Ranma, "It qualified me to receive a wish, and the wish led to my ascension."

"Ranma, you have made my old age very entertaining. Will we ever see you again?"

"Yes, certainly. I'll be hanging around Nerima for a while to tie up some loose ends. Of course, I might be persuaded to give martial arts lessons to some amazons if they're both male and female. Next month I'll be getting married, and you're all invited."

"The Tendo girl, I assume."

"Yes, Elder, I am marrying Akane. She was always the only one for me. Good night, Ku Lon."

"Good night, Ranma."

* * *

It was after dinner at the Tendo's. Ranma and Akane were in her room talking.

"Akane, have you given any thought about what kind of marriage you'd like to have."

"I was considering a western-style marriage. Is there a problem?"

"That's a western-style ceremony. A marriage begins when the ceremony ends."

"Oh," said Akane, "I thought all marriages were essentially the same. Are there different kinds?"

"Yes indeed. Different cultures have different forms of marriage, sometimes more than one kind within a group. Deities have another kind of marriage, one generally not suitable for mortals."

Akane was puzzled. "Explain, please. I don't know what you're thinking of."

"There are some human cultures who practice three forms of marriage: 'handfasting' which usually lasts for a year and a day, a sort of trial marriage, 'marriage' which lasts until 'death do us part', and 'sealing' in which the couple vows to remain together forever, in reincarnation after reincarnation. Then there are groups who practice polygamy or polyandry--forms of group marriage. Even common ordinary marriage varies across cultures. In America some practice 'serial monogamy'--marrying many different partners, one at a time."

"And divine marriage is different from all of those?" asked Akane.

"Yes. Human marriage is centered on having and raising children--that's its most important purpose. Divine marriage is based on the love and happiness of the couple. Child rearing doesn't factor into it because deities spend so little of their lives parenting. Our marriages last as long as both partners love each other, and there is no promise of exclusivity. Akane, would you be willing to spend a hundred million years loving no one but me?"

Akane's eyes went wide. After a moment, she answered, "Gosh, that's a big commitment. As much as I love you, Ranma, I'd hesitate to go that far."

"That's why gods practice a form of 'open marriage.' There are a few cases of lifetime commitment, but they're rare."

Akane paused. "All this is kind of overwhelming. You're not the person I fell in love with, you're so much more now. I'm not complaining, but you've grown up and improved so much overnight that I need to adjust to the changes. I'm a mortal who wants to marry a god, and that's daunting. Has that ever happened before? How did it work out?"

"You're not backing out, are you?" Ranma was concerned.

"I'm not changing my mind, Ranma, but I'm beginning to appreciate the challenges I'll face. This isn't an ordinary wedding, it's unprecedented. I feel apprehensive. I wonder if I'm up to it..."

"I think you're up to it, tomboy, or I wouldn't have proposed. To answer your question, no--nothing quite like this has happened before. However, not long ago a goddess fell in love with a man she believed was a mortal and she wanted to marry him. It turned out that he was immortal. They're happily married and living in Asgard now."

"How could she not know that he was immortal?"

"Keiichi was a good person with a history of bad luck. Belldandy was sent to grant him a wish. He said, 'I wish that a goddess like you would be with me for all time.' The wording of that wish granted him immortality." Ranma smiled. "In a sense, the same thing happened to me--my wish made me a god and granted me immortality."

Akane looked thoughtful. "I'll have to remember that in case I'm ever offered a wish."

Ranma feigned looking hurt. "Why would you need a wish when you have me?"

They laughed. After a moment, Akane shyly asked, "If deities rarely have children, do they also rarely have sex?"

"No need to worry, 'Kane, gods make love about as often as humans do. I've been saving myself for you so I'm still a virgin, but I expect to make up for my celibacy soon enough."

Akane blushed. "With all those girls throwing themselves at you, and all the beautiful goddesses in heaven, you've never done it?"

Ranma nodded. "Don't forget all those handsome gods. Ranko is a girl, and I know she will feel that attraction someday."

Akane continued, "Ranma, what kind of marriage do you think we'll have?"

"Well, I certainly don't expect you to stay at home and be a housewife. It's not your style, and I don't need one anyway. I expect you'll want a career of some sort."

"Are you trying to get out of eating my cooking?" Akane asked archly.

"No, no, I can eat your cooking now." Ranma silently thought, 'Of course now I can eat molten lava and drink hydrofluoric acid.' He continued, "Akane, your cooking will improve when you get your anger under control."

Her eyebrows went up. "Really? Why is that?"

"Belldandy is renowned as the best cook in heaven. If anyone asks for her recipe she says, 'If you have enough love in your heart, then anything you make will be wonderful.' It works for other things as well, like crafts or child rearing. Akane, when you cook with rage in your heart it affects the food you prepare."

"Oh." It made sense. "But I've been angry ever since Mother died. It's going to be hard to get rid of it."

Ranma looked her in the eye. "You don't 'get rid' of anger--you stop doing it!"

"Huh?"

"Emotions like love and anger are not something you _have_, they're something you _do_. They're verbs, not nouns. You can't put an emotion in a box on a shelf, you can't sweep it under the rug or hide it away somewhere--but if you stop doing it, it will be gone."

"Oh," said Akane. "You make it sound so simple."

"Akane, there's nothing wrong with you that a stable and loving relationship can't fix."

Her eyes grew moist. "Hold me, Ranma."

* * *

Skuld dropped in to visit Ranma in his room at the Tendo's while the others were asleep. She said, "Ranma, I'm a little concerned about the way you're interacting with mortals."

Ranma raised an eyebrow. "Why is that?"

"You've told too many people about your divine status. You know Kamisama doesn't want people to know we exist. There are good reasons for that."

"You introduced yourself to me as a goddess while I was still a mortal. Evidently there's some leeway in the keep-it-secret rule."

Skuld sighed. "It's not a hard and fast rule, as you know. We grant a limited number of wishes, and the grantees are aware that they mustn't spread the word."

"I have to tell Nodoka, don't I? She's my mother. I have to tell Akane, she's going to be my wife."

"Well, since you are an ascended mortal we have to make allowances for your friends and family."

"How can I tell people whose curses I've rewritten without divulging my divinity? I don't want to catch them by surprise, and I often give them a say in the changes I'm making. Remember, I've put a nondisclosure spell on everyone that I've told."

"I wonder if you aren't making too many changes too soon." Skuld adopted a lecturing tone. "Even if they can't tell anyone, you've told many people that gods are real. This will affect their beliefs and their actions. The entire purpose of the secrecy rule is to prevent just that. Mortals have free will, and that's compromised if they know about us."

Ranma conceded. "You've made your point. I'll be more careful in the future. But, I don't want to erase my friend's memories, that's distasteful."

"Yes, it is," conceded Skuld. "You can always try the 'this was only a dream' routine."

"Thank you, Skuld-sensei. I'm glad you're watching out for me."

"You knew it wouldn't be easy when you accepted Kamisama's offer." Skuld smiled warmly. "All in all, you're doing rather well so far. Keep up the good work."

* * *

(Not quite an Omake)

It almost looked humanoid. It had a metallic torso the size of an SUV, two legs that looked like they had been assembled from garbage cans, and two arms made of articulated wastebaskets. It had a diesel engine on its back and sensors of various types scattered on its metallic 'skin'. Whatever it was, it shambled through the back alleys of Azabu Juuban raiding the dumpsters it encountered and pouring their contents into its hollow body. The sound of trash being compacted could be heard from time to time. The two men watching it were assumed to be curiosity seekers.

The sailor-suited warriors of love and justice watched this thing from a nearby rooftop and debated what to do about it.

"It sure looks like a youma, but it doesn't behave like one," opined Sailor Jupiter.

Sailor Moon looked at her computer-nerd companion. "What do you read, Mercury?"

"There's no trace of negaverse energy, and it doesn't seem to be harming anyone. Perhaps we should just keep an eye on it to be sure..."

"I'm inclined to battle it," said Mars. "It looks weird. The nail that sticks up..."

Venus chimed in, "I don't like the looks of it either. It's stealing trash, not energy, but it doesn't belong here."

"Okay, let's do it," said the ever-decisive Sailor Moon. The senshi lept down from the roof and confronted the thing.

Moon struck a heroic pose. "For stealing garbage that properly belongs to the DPW, we must punish you in the name of the Moon in order to keep this city safe from monsters !"

The 'youma' ignored her studiously - perhaps it did not have an oratory detector - and merely kept on looking for the next dumpster. A Venus Love-Me Chain didn't seem to have any effect, but a lightning bolt immobilized the creature. An odor of overheated oil ensued.

"Ouch," exclaimed Venus, dropping her end of the chain. "Jupiter, warn me next time. The chain conducts electricity, you know."

Jupiter's reply was interrupted by the arrival of the two men who had been watching the device.

"What do you think you're doing?" exclaimed the one holding a clipboard and a stopwatch.

"That prototype Trash-O-Matic cost a small fortune to develop, and now you've ruined it," yelled the man carrying a camcorder.

Sailor Moon noticed the Mitsubishi nameplate on the 'youma' and came to an executive decision. "Run away! Run away!" she commanded, blushing deeply.

The senshi lept away in haste, giving the two men a fine view of their shapely legs in the process.

Where was Sailor Pluto while this was going on? She was making out hot and heavy with Father Time and really didn't want to be interrupted. Thirty thousand years of celibacy can make one a lot less choosy about romantic partners.

***

* * *

Author's feeble explanations:

On Ranko being a real girl - In the cannon, Ranma's problem with his curse is not that he turns into a girl, but that he _doesn't like_ turning into a girl because of his father's malodorous upbringing. By the end of the cannon Ranma has learned that not everything Genma says is to be taken at face value - and often the truth is the exact opposite!

The brains of males and females are subtly different - and it's not a matter of better or worse. Just have a mixed-gender conversation and you'll see it in action; it's partially a matter of upbringing (nurture) and partly a matter of genetics (nature). Ranma chose to become a "real girl" when female for two reasons:  
1) Comfort. A man's mind in a woman's brain is a poor fit. If I want to walk a mile in your shoes, they'd better fit right!  
2) Education. He will be better equipped to understand and communicate with women than any man I know!

About timestop, such as was used on Miss Hinako: It looks so simple in the movies - everyone else stands perfectly still while you keep moving. But consider - if time is really stopped, or just slowed down a million-fold, then everything else becomes essentially immobile around you. The air molecules are frozen in place - you can't breathe or move. The photons are frozen too - you won't be able to see anything. Highly impractical, if you ask me. A properly done timestop spell has to temporarily shunt aside air molecules near you while being careful not to create sonic booms, create something else for you to breath, and devise a substitute for the sense of sight. It's a complicated spell...

Mike


	3. 3r4 Old and New Things

Ranma's Ascension - Chapter 3  
By Mike Breslau

Disclaimer: Better folks than I own most of the characters that appear in this scribbling. The original characters (you'll know them when you meet them) in this work are mine, all mine! (But you can borrow them if you'll treat them kindly.)

More dealing with old problems in this chapter.

* * *

It was evening. Soun and Genma were sitting in a dimly-lit bar, each working on his third sake. The country-and-western music playing in the background fit their mood perfectly.

"Waah," wailed Soun, "My little girl is getting married and leaving me..."

"Ranma is no longer a Saotome," moaned Genma, "The schools will never be joined."

Their cups now empty, they signaled the bartender for another round.

"You know what this means, don't you, Soun?"

"Ababsoluke...obtusely...obversely... Yes." replied the drunken Tendo patriarch.

"No more cushy retirement resting on the labors of our children." They both shuddered.

"We'll have to _work_ for a living." Tendo wailed, his tears diluting the remainder of his sake.

"How can they be so ungrateful after all we've done for them..."

Soun corrected, "After all we've done _to_ them."

"Waah," they wailed in perfect harmony.

"I say, Genma, you seem to be getting fuzzier. Have I had too much to drunk?"

"Growf!"

* * *

Sasuke found himself standing in an odd 'room.' The floor was a polished mirror; the walls and ceiling seemed to be made of mist. There were no windows, doors, or furnishings, yet the 'room' felt comfortable and familiar. The Kuno's faithful servant said, "I must be dreaming."

"Yes, you are dreaming," said a familiar voice, "but that doesn't mean that this isn't real."

Sasuke turned and saw Ranma standing there dressed in his divine garb. Ranma cast no reflection in the shiny floor.

"Ranma?" squeaked Sasuke.

"I'm the God of Martial Arts, but for now I look like Ranma. I'm here to offer you a gift, which you are under no obligation to accept."

"What kind of gift?" asked the diminutive ninja.

"As you surely know, Tatewaki and Kodachi are fine martial artists, but they're a little lacking in the sanity department. It does not reflect well on me to have demented martial artists running around. I'd like to give you a three-part blessing: you would have all the skills of a master psychologist, and a master pharmacologist, and in addition you would always have a sense of what is the right thing to say or do. You would still have free will, and need not act on any of this knowledge if you so choose."

"You want me to be a therapist for the Kunos?"

"I'm not asking you to do the 'lie down on the couch for 50 minutes' thing, that wouldn't work. I'm hoping you would offer the occasional shrewed word of advice or astute observation when the situation called for it. You alone have access to, and the confidence of, all three Kunos. It would be in my best interests, and yours too, if they could be gently healed."

"Can't you just cast a healing spell on them if you are a god?"

"I certainly could, but I won't. My style is to never compel, but to gently urge. I prefer to be subtle and indirect in my dealings with mortals."

Sasuke could sense Ranma's sincerity. "My family has been faithful servants to the Kunos for many generations. I will do anything in my power to help them. I accept your offer, Ranma."

The god smiled benevolently and raised his hand. A sparkling ball of yellow light flew across the room and melted into Sasuke. "In the morning you will remember this, but it will be only a dream."

The room faded away and Sasuke slept soundly.

* * *

The next day at school Ranma did several things he had never done before. He wore a regulation boy's uniform. He stayed awake in class. He correctly answered every question put to him. He seemed to be polite, though you could get the impression that he was amused by a joke that nobody else knew.

Naturally, this made the teachers and the students extremely nervous. They were certain that something really bad would have to happen to balance out this unnatural burst of goodness.

Sure enough, something terrible did happen during Physical Education class. There was a large puff of sulphurous smoke near the volleyball court, and a demon appeared.

The demon was seven feet tall and roughly spherical in shape. He, or rather it, had more than 200 limbs and tentacles, tipped with claws, pincers, hooks, scissors, nozzles for spewing flame or acid, and other things too horrible to mention. Its slimy skin was covered with small iron-hard mustard-yellow scales. Kreplach had three large hairy ears, four hairy nostrils (but no nose), and five hairy eyeballs. It was ugly enough to frighten Cthulu. Did I mention that it smelled bad too?

Ranma managed to make himself heard over the screaming of the students. "Stand back, everybody, this one's for me." He approached the demon and introduced himself. "Hello, my name is Ranma."

"Kreplach," answered the demon in a guttural roar.

"As I understand the Doublet System I'm not supposed to kill you," continued Ranma in a pleasant tone of voice.

Kreplach nodded agreement, at least as well as anything with neither head nor neck could manage.

Ranma continued, "But I am allowed to hurt you so badly that you'll wish you had never heard my name."

The demon tried to sneer at him, but couldn't because it had no lips.

"Very well," said Ranma. He bowed to his opponent and called, "Begin." He blurred into Amiguriken speed. In 0.29 seconds Ranma had braided all the demon's appendages into dreadful dreadlocks. The seven longest braids were fastened to the ground with tent pegs, the remaining dreadlocks were plugged into orifices that would otherwise have spewed lava, slime, or toxic waste. With the demon properly immobilized, Ranma pried open its huge mouth. He recreated from memory several of Akane's more 'creative' attempts at cooking and stuffed them into Kreplach's maw.

Even for a demon, this was cruel and unusual punishment. Kreplach yowled in pain, turned lavender, and disappeared in another cloud of sulphurous smoke.

Ranma made a gesture of dusting off his hands. "Shows over, everybody, back to class."

Akane, who had come to see what all the screaming was about, asked, "What was that stuff that you were feeding him?"

Ranma looked innocent. "Just soba noodles, some miso soup, and a tuna casserole."

"Oh," answered Akane. "For a moment I thought it looked familiar..."

Ranma bigsweatted.

* * *

Skuld was industriously working on her latest mecha (a nuclear-fusion powered potato peeler, if you really want to know. Her previous project, an eclectic toothbrush using a tiny black hole to remove plaque, hadn't worked out too well.) Ranma teleported in, sans the usual cosmetic burst of light.

"Skuld, I've been thinking about that advice you gave me--that matter of letting the mortals know that we exist. I didn't like the 'only a dream' idea, it still left people free to deduce what really happened."

Skuld looked up. "What's the matter, can't you knock first, or at least offer a greeting?" Her smile showed that she wasn't really complaining, but was mostly teasing. "You sound as if you've thought of something better."

"You remember the spell we use to persuade mortals that our facial markings are really unimportant? I used that as a starting point. Tell me what you think of this." Ranma began writing with his forefinger on the empty air, leaving behind a series of glowing blue runes on an invisible blackboard.

When he finished writing Skuld leaned forward and began to examine his work. "Okay, this clause suggests 'I've always known that!' and this part implies 'so what?' This section evokes 'who cares?' over here it says 'dull, dull, dull.'" Skuld straightened up. "Just reading this spell makes me loose interest in finishing it." She looked up at Ranma. "This is a nice piece of work. If you hit somebody with this your divinity will become the least interesting fact in the whole world."

"And it can be applied retroactively, too," added Ranma with a grin.

"How long did it take you to develop this?" asked Skuld.

"Only a few minutes." Ranma shrugged. "I've always been quick at inventing new techniques, but they've usually been ki based, not mana based."

Skuld felt a moment of jealousy. Magic had never been her strong suit, though recently she had become petty good at it. "I approve--it is much better than the 'only a dream' approach."

Ranma teleported away and Skuld happily returned to her workbench.

* * *

After school Ranma and Akane were walking home together. It was a beautiful afternoon, with a near-cloudless sky and a gentle breeze.

Ranma turned to Akane with a smile and asked, "Would you like to take the scenic route home today?"

"If you mean roof-hopping, I'm not up to that."

"Roof-hopping is so pedestrian," replied Ranma with a dismissive gesture, "I want to do something unusual, something adventurous."

Akane sensed the eagerness in his voice. Obviously, he wanted to do something special. "Okay, if it's safe."

"Oh, it's safe enough. Put your books into hammer-space and hold your arms out like this." Ranma held his arms straight out sideways, forming a 'T'-like shape. Akane raised an eyebrow and did what he asked. Ranma's grin grew wider. Akane felt a brief tingle, a sense of buoyancy, and then the world fell away from beneath her feet. She watched in astonishment as the treetops, then the rooftops dropped beneath the two of them. "Oh my god," she shouted, "You really meant 'take the scenic route' today. Won't people see us?"

They were now moving faster and slowly gaining altitude as they moved in the direction of Tokyo center. "It's okay. Anybody who sees us will pay no attention because we're such an uninteresting sight. I've cast a 'boring' glamor over us." The two of them were now just over one thousand feet high and still climbing slowly and gradually gaining speed. "It looks so different from up here, the world is so beautiful," Akane observed happily.

"On the ground we see all the clutter, the meanness and squalor, that make up mortal life. Up here you get a 'God's eye view' and it helps to understand why Kamisama puts up with all those human shortcomings."

A minute later Akane glanced ahead and realized that they were headed toward a famous landmark. "Why are we going to the Tokyo Tower?" she asked.

"No scenic tour would be complete without a visit," Ranma answered laughing.

As they neared the Tower they slowed and descended to the level of the observation deck, flying hand-in-hand in a semi-circle around it to reverse direction.

A girl on the Tower put down her binoculars and yelled at them, "Hey you two, get out of the way! You're spoiling my view."

Ranma answered, "Sorry!" and began to speed up.

"Who were you yelling at, dear?" asked the girl's mother.

"Those two flying people--they're so inconsiderate," answered the girl.

"Some people today have no manners," sighed the mother.

Akane giggled. "That 'uninteresting' spell works like a charm." She was enjoying the wind in her hair and between her fingers. What an exhilarating sensation!

The return flight was over too soon as Akane was enjoying every minute. They touched down in the front yard of the Tendo home and Akane felt the magic spell fading away.

"How do you feel?" Ranma asked.

Akane looked radiant. "Gloriously happy, giddy, and excited. That was wonderful, Ranma. Let's do it again sometime." She threw her arms around him and kissed him enthusiastically.

"Okay, on one condition," said Ranma when he came up for air.

"What's that?"

Ranma smiled at her and answered, "I want you to remember how you feel right now and practice feeling this way even when I'm not around."

Akane realized that he was trying to wean her away from her habitual anger--and it was working! "I'll do my best," she replied. "I'm so glad I'm going to marry you." She leaned in and kissed him again.

* * *

Ranma, in civilian garb, walked into Ucchan's before the dinner rush hour.

"Hello, Ran-chan," Ukyo greeted him, "You want the usual?"

Ranma was tempted to decline the offer because he didn't want to sponge off the chef any longer, but he realized that making okonomiyaki was therapeutic for her just as doing katas was for him. "Okay, thanks."

Ukyo heated the grill and began making preparations.

"Ucchan, we need to talk."

"Yes, we certainly do," replied Ukyo resignedly.

"You've heard that I've proposed to Akane and she's accepted."

"News travels fast, Ranma." Ukyo bore down on her spatula, a sign of anger.

"I realize that I can't give you what you want the most, but I feel obliged to do whatever I can to make amends. I've thought of several things I can offer you, but I want to talk to you before I do anything."

Ukyo poured sauce on the okonomiyaki. "What sort of things?"

"I could have you adopted into the Saotome family. You'd become my sister and get out from under your father's influence. Unfortunately, you'd have Genma for a father."

She shuddered. "No thanks. My old man is no prize, but he's way better than yours. No offense, Ranma."

"None taken. I could replace your family's yatai, or upgrade your restaurant, but I doubt you'd want those things."

"All I really want is to be your wife, but you've always seen me as a buddy, not as a lover."

"We can't always get what we want," Ranma sighed, "Even I can't."

Ukyo slid the 'Japanese pizza' onto a plate and put it on the counter in front of Ranma. The okonomiyaki began to glow pink, with brown and white sparkles. "What the hell? It's never done that before..."

"It's a magic detection spell, Ucchan. The pink shows the presence of a love potion, the sparkles show Urd's influence."

"Urd!" exclaimed Ukyo angrily.

Ranma was surprised. "You know her? She doesn't hang around here much anymore."

"Last night, as I was preparing for bed, the little TV in my room turned itself on. This drop-dead-gorgeous blond came out of the screen and bowed. I pinched myself to make sure I wasn't having a 'Video Girl Ai' nightmare. She introduced herself as 'Urd, the Cupid of Love' and said she wanted to help me with my love life. She offered me a vial of liquid and told me to put a few drops of it in your food--it would make you mine. I was tempted, but I turned her down. Shampoo has been drugging you at every opportunity, and it's only made you resent her. I don't want a magically enslaved husband; I want a man who loves me because he loves me! I told her to get lost. Urd pouted and flowed back into the TV screen."

"Urd is the Goddess of the Past. She styles herself 'the Cupid of Love,' but she's really a professional yenta."

"What's a yenta?" asked Ukyo curiously.

"Matchmaker, busybody, gossip, and meddler. It's nice knowing so many languages; I can always find the right word."

Ukyo put her hands on her hips. "Ranchan, there's something you're not telling me. How do you know Urd, and when did you learn 'so many languages'? What are you doing with a magic detection spell?"

Ranma shifted into his divine attire and released his aura of power. "I was promoted to God of Martial Arts a couple of nights ago, Ucchan."

Ukyo was momentarily awed, then she laughed. "My goodness, you certainly lead an interesting life. How did that happen?"

"Apparently Kamisama was impressed that I had remained pure of heart despite all the trials life has put me through. He sent a goddess to grant a wish. I didn't ask to become a deity, I wished for the power to solve all my problems, and here I am."

"Exactly how does this affect our relationship?"

"Since you're a martial artist, you're in my sphere of influence. I have the power to give you many blessings, but I can't give you the husband you crave. Besides, you really wouldn't enjoy being married to me."

Ukyo gaped in shock. "What do you mean I wouldn't enjoy it? It's all I've dreamed of since I stopped trying to kill you."

"'Sometimes wanting is better than having', as Spock said once. You observed that I lead an interesting life." Ranma picked up a glass of water and spoke into it. "Skuld, can you come here for a minute?"

The water in the glass began to swirl, then it started to glow. Skuld emerged from the water and hung suspended in the air for a few seconds before settling gracefully down to the floor.

Ranma made introductions. "Skuld, this is Ukyo Kuonji, one of my fiancees. Ukyo, Skuld is the Goddess of the Future, and my mentor while I'm learning the god business."

Ukyo asked, "You're not betrothed to Ranchan, are you?"

Skuld answered gently, "No, we're just good friends. I am happily married to someone else." Turning to Ranma she added, "Why did you call me?"

"Ukyo has long dreamed of becoming my wife. You can see the possible futures. Can you give her a sense of what her life would be like if she were married to me?"

"With you as a mortal or as a god?" asked Skuld.

"Some of each," replied Ranma.

Skuld closed her eyes and probed the possible futures. She winced. "Are you sure you want to see this, Ukyo? It's not pretty."

Ukyo didn't hesitate. "If reality bites, it's better that I know it, otherwise I'll cling to my dreams."

"Okay," said Skuld. She gestured, and Ukyo seemed to trance out for a minute.

When Ukyo recovered she shuddered and looked depressed. "I hoped for a nice, orderly, domestic life. That's not possible if I'm married to a chaos-magnet like Ranchan. If we led a tranquil life, he'd go crazy. If we experienced Ranma's life, I'd go nuts. Is there no better way for us to be together?"

"I'm afraid not," Skuld replied. "Would you like me to erase or weaken your memory?"

"Only a little, please. Thanks, Skuld."

The goddess gestured and Ukyo looked a little better. "Will that be all?"

Ranma answered, "Yes, thanks for coming."

After Skuld had departed, Ranma said, "I even briefly considered doing something no god has ever done--offering to lend you my angel Chaos. That way you would always have a little part of my soul, even if you can't have me. I shelved that idea--it wouldn't work for the same reason that my marrying you wouldn't work."

"Chaos?" asked Ukyo.

Ranma's angel came out and bowed. "My constant companion, the angel Chaos," Ranma explained. "He's a part of me, yet he's separate too."

"He's cute," Ukyo observed.

Chaos blushed and returned to his place inside Ranma.

Ranma said, "I may be able to help you regain your proper gender, Ucchan. I can turn your father into a woman until he relents and lets you become a female again. I suspect he'll be eager to agree after his first period..."

Ukyo giggled. "Now there's a tempting offer. I'm almost willing to take you up on it, but I'm trying to be a nicer, saner person than my dad. Thanks anyway."

"I'd like to help you find a man you could happily love, but I don't want to meddle. I'm not Urd--I'm not going to mess with your emotions or exert any undue influence. Would you allow me to try, or would you rather I didn't?"

"What are you thinking of doing?"

"I can ask several love goddesses for some likely candidates and arrange chance encounters with those I approve of. How you react to each other will be entirely up to the two of you."

Ukyo considered this. "I guess that's okay, but not too soon, please. I need time to adjust to the loss of my dreams."

The first dinner patron entered the restaurant. Ranma shifted back to his mortal guise. "You'd better get rid of that glowing okonomiyaki and mix up another batch of your special sauce. Ukyo, if you need anything, just call." He kissed her gently and left.

* * *

Urd received yet another 30-day license suspension and a reprimand for her unauthorized interference.

* * *

(flashback)

Skuld lead Ranma into a huge room that resembled an exotic public bath. The ceiling was supported far above them by an intersecting network of golden arches. The floor looked like zebrawood parquet, but it felt like nonskid rubber. Pools of various sizes and shapes held water of various temperatures and degrees of salinity. Curiously, two of the pools seemed to partially overlap without their contents mixing.

"We both have the same teleportation medium, at least while you're a male, so I'm going to show you how to use it. Watch me." With that, Shuld dove head-first into the nearest pool and emerged, still dry, at the other end of the pool. Another dive and she was hovering above the surface of the water next to Ranma. "Any questions?" she asked.

"I could sense what you were doing with your mana when you entered the water, but I don't understand how you control where you go."

Skuld nodded. "Okay, we will take this step by step. Visualize the spot by other end of the pool where you want to emerge. Concentrate on the surface of the water and the areas around it."

Ranma squinted a bit, then said, "Okay, I've got it."

"This is a bit tricky. Turn your visualization upside down, so that the water surface at your destination is touching and coincides with the underside of the water surface where you plan to enter."

After a few seconds, Ranma said, "It's hard, but I think I have it."

"Now imagine that your visualization _is_ the space itself, not just an image of it. Remove the surface of the water from your mind, so that the near and far spaces are adjacent with nothing separating them, and dive in."

Ranma hesitated for a moment and then, somewhat apprehensively, he dove into the pool. He emerged, soaking wet, at the other end of the pool. "Well, it's a start," he said philosophically. "I always had trouble avoiding getting wet."

"Don't feel bad," said Skuld, "It took me four tries to get to the other end of the pool when I was beginning to learn. You just didn't completely remove the surface of the water from your mental image. Try again."

Ranma dried himself with a burst of hot ki, then with a look of concentration on his face he dove into the pool again. This time he emerged dry and hovered in the air next to Skuld. "Yatta!" he exulted.

Skuld beamed at him. "You are a fast learner! Now transport yourself to the other pool over there."

Ranma flashed a mischievous grin and dived into the water. A moment later Ranko emerged from the other pool and did a little victory dance in midair.

Skuld grumbled, "Showoff!" It is true that Skuld was a genius - and not just in her own opinion - but Ranma was _quick_. She was feeling a touch of envy.

* * *

Sailor Pluto sat in front of the Time Gate with her brow furrowed in concentration. The images in the gate were very slightly fuzzy. The effect was so subtle that only her trained and experienced eyes could spot it. No amount of fiddling or adjustment had been able to sharpen the pictures.

This worried her. She thought that something was changing the time streams and she could neither identify the cause not determine what the probable effects would be. If there's anything Pluto hated, it was not knowing.

One of the things Pluto didn't know was that the Time Gate had a self-aware soul--quite different from those of humans or gods, but a soul nonetheless. The slightly out-of-focus look was the result of the Gate beginning to giggle softly to itself.

* * *

The citizens of Juuban were a well-trained lot. Whenever they saw a monster they would panic, scream, and run around aimlessly until the Senshi restored law and order. It's just the way things have always been done there.

The monster-du-jour was a burly, black-bearded man in a sailor cap who just happened to be 15 feet tall. He actually wasn't doing any damage; he was merely strolling down the street inducing pandemonium.

In a few minutes, the Senshi arrived on the scene. Sailor Moon promptly launched into an almost Kunoesque declamation: "Disrupting the tranquility of our fair city is intolerable. In the name of the moon, we will punish you." The youma stopped and waited patiently for her to finish, saying nothing.

Venus tapped Moon on the shoulder and whispered, "Maybe I shouldn't mention it, but this guy actually hasn't done anything bad yet."

Sailor Moon looked Venus in the eye and replied, "Doesn't matter. We'll punish him anyway - it's what we do!"

Sailor Mercury launched her Shabon Spray, followed soon after by Sailor Venus' Love-Me Chain. These had no effect. Sailor Mars tried her Fire Soul, and Sailor Jupiter simultaneously used her Lightning attack.

The sailor just stood there, looking bored.

Getting desperate, Sailor Moon shouted, "Moon Tiara something or other." (She was getting flustered and had forgotten her lines.) The whirling tiara bounced harmlessly off the creature.

The Senshi gathered in a huddle. "This isn't working, guys, we have to try something completely different," suggested Moon. Sailor Mercury did a quick scan, but no giant foot descended from the sky to crush the monster.

Akane Tendo had been shopping in Juuban and watched the confrontation with interest. On the one hand, the Senshi were her heroes. On the other hand, they were looking completely inept. "Oh, I wish I could join them somehow," she whispered.

"Wish granted," said Ranko's voice inside Akane's head. There was a flash of light and a whiff of sea spray. Akane disappeared, only to reappear, curiously changed, in the center of the Senshi huddle.

The Senshi blinked in surprise. "Who are you?" asked Venus.

Akane began, "I'm Ak..." and stopped when she realized that she probably shouldn't give her civilian name. She looked down at herself and blinked. She was now wearing a sea-blue Senshi fuku with spinach-green trim. Akane noticed her bulging forearms, the anchor tattoo, and the corncob pipe, and came to the obvious conclusion. "Wal blow me down," she exclaimed. Her voice rose in pitch as she came close to panicking. "I've turned into Popeye the Sailor Scout! I've become a cartoon character!"

The Senshi bigsweatted. Some instinct told them NOT to go there...

Now the identity of the monster-du-jour became glaringly obvious. Akane pointed to the youma and said, "and that's Bluto, Popeye's nemesis."

"Does anybody know what's going on here?" asked Jupiter.

"We're Senshi, not Sailor Scouts," complained Mars reflexively. She hated that mistranslation.

"Is there a planet named Popeye?" wondered Sailor Venus.

Akane ignored them all. "Have any of you tried to actually punch that thing?"

Sailor Moon waxed indignant. "We're magical girls, not street brawlers. We don't hit things."

Akane resented the implication. She was a martial artist, not a street brawler. Fortunately, she had seen enough old American cartoons so that she knew what to do next. She reached into her fuku and withdrew a can of spinach. Prying open the lid of the can with her thumbnail, she downed the entire contents in one gulp. There followed a grotesque power-up sequence in which her muscular strength increased fivefold.

Sailor Popeye ran over to the youma and punched him hard at belt level (it was as high as she could reach.) To her surprise her arm sank into Bluto up to the elbow without meeting much resistance, then rebounded elastically. Bluto tilted over backwards in an almost rigid fashion, and then rotated back to vertical without apparent effort.

"This guy is hollow!" Popeye exclaimed. She knew just what to do. Retrieving the discarded lid of the spinach can, she held it carefully so as not to cut herself and carved a long gash into Bluto's leg using the sharp ragged edge of the lid.

There was a loud whooshing sound. Bluto looked surprised as he started to shrink and become wrinkled. Soon, he was reduced to a pile of plastic lying on the ground.

"We've been fighting a balloon!" exclaimed Sailor Mercury.

"...And we weren't winning," added Jupiter mournfully.

The regular Senshi turned towards Popeye the Sailor and bombarded her with questions.

"Who are you?"  
"How did you get here?"  
"Are you really a Senshi?"  
"Do you have any magical attacks?"

Sailor Popeye held up her hand to slow the flood of queries. "I'm still new at this, and I'm not sure I know the answers to your questions, but I have a question of my own. How do I get out of this fuku?"

Sailor Moon replied, "We usually find a spot where we won't be seen and then power down."

Popeye the Sailor could not hear Moon because Ranko was answering the question inside her head. She blushed. "That is so embarrassing. Do I have to?" she muttered.

"What's wrong?" asked Moon, looking concerned.

"My boyfriend has a weird sense of humor," Popeye responded. "I know how to power down, but it's so humiliating. Don't look," she pleaded.

The Senshi did not look away. Nautical music began to play softly in the background as Popeye began to sing and dance.

"I'm Popeye the Sailor Scout.  
"I know what it's all about.  
"I'm fit as a fiddle,  
"And thick in the middle.  
"I'm Popeye the Sailor Scout. Toot toot."

There was a flash of light and a whiff of sea salt spray. Sailor Popeye vanished and Akane Tendo reappeared in her home in Nerima.

Sailor Mercury had captured the whole performance on her computer. "That has got to be the oddest thing I've seen in either of my lives," she opined.

"Weird," agreed Sailor Venus with a nod.

* * *

Sailor Pluto was practically tearing her hair out in frustration. "I've never seen anything like that in any timeline. What's going on here?" She was even more upset than she had been when the planet Pluto was demoted by those know-nothing astronomers.

Too bad she lacked a sense of humor.

* * *

Akane glared at Ranko in mock anger. "I'm gonna get you for that."

Ranko folded her arms. "Get real. I'm a goddess. What can you do to me?"

Akane smiled evilly. "I'm gonna tickle you..."

"Good luck. I'm not ticklish anywhere," replied Ranko confidently.

"Oh yes you are. I know you're ticklish under the sheets and behind the curtains."

"Uh oh."

Akane grabbed a sheet, threw it over Ranko, and tickled her lover mercilessly. Revenge is sweet.

* * *

Dusk was fading into evening as Ryoga wandered about in the suburbs of Brisbane. The fact that he had to cross several oceans to get there didn't bother him at all, if he was even aware of it. Every part of the world looked equally familiar to Ryoga Hibiki--and equally strange. This time he noticed something stranger than usual--a window of the shop ahead of him seemed to be glowing, yet the store display behind the glass was dark. As he approached the store it seemed to him that the glass itself was emitting the glow, and it was only shining outwards, not inwards.

Curiosity got the better of Ryoga, and he approached the window to examine it. Instead of seeing his own reflection in the glass he saw an image of Ranko, in her goddess regalia. Ryoga scratched his head. "Ranma, what are you doing in wherever-this-is?"

Ranko stuck her hand out of the windowpane. "You're a hard man to find, Ryoga Hibiki. Would you hold my hand?"

Ryoga took the proffered hand in one of his own. Ranko delicately stepped out of the window and the glow behind her faded away. She smiled at him. Ryoga felt strangely moved to see a lovely lady smiling at him, even if it was his friend-and-rival.

"Hello, I'm Ranko, the Goddess of Transformations. Sorry about this." Ranko was getting a lot of milage out of that signature phrase.

"Come off it, Ranma. What are you trying to pull?" Ryoga was understandably suspicious.

"How many martial artists can step out of a window without breaking the glass, Ryoga? I am Ranko when I'm female--my male aspect is Ranma the God of Martial Arts."

"Okay," said Ryoga suspiciously, "Prove it."

Ranko unfurled her wings and rose five inches into the air. Ryoga lost his balance and started to fall, only to be caught by invisible hands and returned to an upright position.

When he regained his composure Ryoga said, "All right, I'm convinced. What do you want with me?"

Ranko concealed her wings but remained floating. "I have influence over you because you're both a martial artist and a shape-shifter. I would like to offer you some gifts, if you choose to accept them. They won't make your life perfect, but they should help a great deal."

"What kind of gifts?" Ryoga was becoming interested.

"For your Jusenkyo curse, I propose a number of modifications. When you change the clothes you wear will go into storage, to return when you resume your normal form--no more embarrassing nakedness. You won't have water as a trigger anymore, but will be able to control the changes voluntarily. Your alternate forms will be able to talk..."

Ryoga interrupted. "Alternate forms? There'll be more than one?"

"I'd like to give you another body. Since you'll have voluntary control over your shape, you won't have to use it if you don't want it."

"I'm interested. What's the downside?"

"If you unfairly blame anyone else for your problems, you'll be a piglet for the next eight hours. You will have to spend at least 24 hours of any month in a nonhuman form. The Jusenkyo curses serve a purpose, and I don't want you to miss the benefits."

"Hah! What's so educational about being a walking lunch item?"

"Make that walking, talking lunch item, Hibiki. And I'm sorry, but I can't tell you what you'll gain from your curse." Ranko's tone became serious. "One more thing. It's time you told Akane the truth about P-chan. It's the honorable thing to do."

Ryoga considered this. "You're right. I should have owned up long ago, but I was afraid to. She's going to get angryand hate me forever."

"Akane isn't as temper-prone as she used to be. I'm trying to mellow her out."

"In that case it sounds like a good deal to me. I accept."

Ranko touched his forehead. Ryoga felt a weak jolt of magical energy. "Remember what it's like to be a pig," she suggested. Ranko gestured at the store window and it began to reflect like a mirror.

"Why is there a white crescent on my face?" asked the little black pig.

"It may come in handy if you ever visit Azabu Juuban," answered Ranko with a grin.

"With my luck I'll visit everywhere sooner or later," the pig mumbled.

Ranko bent over and touched the pig on his head. "I offer you this form, to use if you want it."

Ryoga stared at the mirror in shock. He was now a human-boar hybrid, a little taller than his human body. He had prominent fangs and wore a vest and arm bracers of a black scaly material, black shorts and matching slippers.

"I designed this just for you, Ryoga. You're now stronger and faster than you could ever be as a human, and those black dragon-skin clothes will protect you from anything short of a tactical nuke."

Ryoga was having trouble taking all this in. "Why?" he croaked.

"Two reasons. First, I'm the God of Martial Arts. Where am I going to find a decent sparring partner? Secondly, Akari will swoon with joy if she catches sight of this body. Remember, you don't have to use it if you don't want to."

Ryoga considered, then nodded. "I'll take it. Thank you, Ranko." He visualized his human form without being prompted and was not surprised when the change happened. "I could get used to this..."

"Now about your hereditary Hibiki wandering curse. I can't remove it completely because doing so would change you into somebody you're not. I'm a gentle goddess, Ryoga. I don't mess around with mortal karma any more than I have to. What I can do is make your wandering much less burdensome. First, if there's somewhere you really need to be, whether you know it or not, you'll be there after two steps. Second, if there's someplace you want to be, just concentrate on that location and follow the arrow."

"What arrow?" asked Ryoga.

"Think of your family home," suggested the goddess.

After a moment a glowing arrow, visible only to Ryoga, appeared floating in front of him.

"Oh, this arrow." He reached out to touch it, but his hand passed harmlessly through it. Ryoga raised an eyebrow much like Spock would do. "Interesting."

"I hope you like it," Ranko said. "It's hereditary if you want to be."

Ryoga began to weep tears of joy. "Of course. I love it. Why are you being so good to me?"

"Ranma, because of you I've seen hell," the goddess quoted in Ryoga's own voice. "I finally have the power to properly make amends. Besides, I'm being nice to everybody whenever possible. Aren't goddesses supposed to be good people?"

Ryoga nodded mutely, overcome with emotion.

"Goodbye, old friend. I'll see you around sometime." Ranko disappeared in flash of golden light.

Ryoga took two steps and was gone.

* * *

Queen Betamax held court for her three generals in her dark, dank, and dreary throne room. She stood on the dais to avoid the inch-thick swamp water that covered the floor. This might not have been the swankest of citadels, but it was secure and affordable--qualities the unfortunate queen needed in her home base. The ugly throne behind her was a little too large for her comfort, but then it had been built for a nonhuman tyrant long ago. Like everything else here, it wasn't elegant but it served its purpose.

The three generals stood at attention before her wearing waterproof footwear, of course. They were garbed in snazzy secondhand military attire left over from a dozen long-ago wars.

The queen addressed them. "Our 'trial balloon' was a complete success - our Senshi-proof spells work. Now we must get rid of those pesky Senshi before our plan for world conquest can go forwards. You have all been making preparations for that effort. Are any of you ready?"

The three generals waved their hands excitedly and called out, "Yes, my queen," "Choose me, Choose me." "I'm ready and willing." They were behaving like school children trying to get called on by the teacher because for once they knew the answer.

Queen Betamax selected her favorite. "General VHS, what have you prepared?"

General VHS puffed out her chest with pride. "I have an army of a thousand faceless minions. We will overwhelm the senshi with our sheer numbers."

The queen gave a cruel smile. "Very well, you may begin as soon as you are ready."

General VHS teleported away in a cloud of small flakes of brown magnetic oxide. The queen laughed. Echos of evil villain laugh #16 filled the throne room as the other generals departed.

* * *

Kamisama watched the doings of his newest deity with interest. Turning to Freya, He said, "That suggestion of yours is working out surprisingly well. The kid's a fast learner, endlessly creative, and _never_ boring. Did you see how he handled that demon?"

Freya looked pleased. "It's only beginning," she reminded Him.

* * *

Shampoo-neko was taking a leisurely stroll through the streets of Azabu Juuban. Her tail was held high and her body language said, "I'm a cat and I can go wherever I want." She remembered a remark Ranko had made in passing, and was curious to find out why a crescent mark would be significant in this neighborhood but not in her own. Her curiosity was soon to be answered.

She was passing in front of an alleyway between two shops when she heard a feline-sounding voice say, "Artemis, you had better get over here. I think there's another mao here." Shampoo had already glanced into the alley and not seen anyone. Now she looked again and noticed a black cat lurking in a dark shadow. On closer inspection she saw that the black cat had a moon-shaped symbol on her forehead.

The two cats spoke simultaneously. "Did I hear you talk?" asked Shampoo. "Are you a Moon Cat too?" Luna asked. They stopped and stared at each other in surprise.

In a moment they were joined by a white cat with (all together now) a moon crescent symbol on its face.

"Artemis, this strange cat has a lunar mark and she can talk," said the black cat excitedly, "but I don't remember seeing a purple cat in the Moon Kingdom."

Artemis turned to Shampoo and politely introduced himself. "Hello, I am Artemis and my companion is Luna. We are advisors from the court of the Moon Kingdom. Are you a Moon Cat?"

"I am Xian Pu, an amazon warrior of the Joketsuzoku, but most people here call me Shampoo. I know nothing of the Moon Kingdom."

"But you have a crescent mark like ours and you can talk," said Luna, belaboring the obvious. "What else could you be but a Moon Cat?"

"I am normally a human. I was cursed to turn into a cat as punishment for a dishonorable failure. Recently, my patron blessed me with the power of speech and the moon-shaped marking. She said a talking cat would need such a mark in Azabu Juuban."

"So you are a human with magical enchantments which make you appear to be one of us?" Luna asked.

"Perhaps I really am one of you, but just don't know it. Tell me, what does a Moon Cat do?" answered Shampoo.

Before the other cats could answer, they heard distant shouts and screams coming from the central shopping district.

"There's another battle, Artemis. We have to hurry," said Luna.

Shampoo shifted form and picked up the moon cats. "You're in a hurry to get to a big fight? Why didn't you ask?"

The citizens of Nerima and those of Azabu Juuban have seen many a strange event, and most have grown used to the unusual. Even in those jaded communities, the sight of an albino tiger running at 120 kilometers per hour on its hind legs while holding a screaming Moon Cat in each forepaw would be considered remarkable.

***

* * *

Author's apology:

For those of you too young to remember Popeye or Bluto, they first appeared in a 1932 comic strip, then named "Thimble Theater." In animated form, they survived at least until the 1960s. Google them sometime. The impulse to write them in here was too strong to resist.

Author's responses to reviews:

On Ranma being too smart :  
In the cannon, Ranma often learns new martial arts techniques after seeing them performed only once. Also, he frequently invents novel techniques on the spur-of-the-moment, on-demand. I submit that a stupid person could not do those things! On the other hand, he is tragically miseducated thanks to Genma's malodorous upbringing. Because he has been taught that book learning is worthless, and because his grammar and pronunciation are primitive, everyone--including you, dear reader--overlooks how smart Ranma really is.

So why does he sleep in class all the time?  
Not because he's not interested, but rather because he's bored. I think he's smart enough that he finds the pace of instruction to be too slow--there's no challenge in it. And we all know how Ranma responds to challenges.

Mike 


	4. 4r2 A new Senshi?

Ranma's Ascension - Chapter 4  
By Mike Breslau

Disclaimer: Better folks than I own most of the characters that appear in this scribbling. The original characters (you'll know them when you meet them) in this work are mine, all mine! (But you can borrow them if you'll treat them kindly.)

As promised, we develop our parody of Sailor Moon fanfiction further here. NO RANMA-IN-A-FUKU, I promise!

* * *

Akane was awakened in the morning by a barrage of machine-gun fire in an echo chamber--or at least that's what it sounded like. She looked out the window to confirm her suspicions. The noise was coming from the dojo. She threw on a robe and hurried outside as the rest of her family was beginning to stir.

At first, she thought the dojo was empty. On closer inspection, the room was filled with flickering glimpses of something moving extremely fast. Covering her ears, she shouted, "Can you keep it down? People are trying to sleep out here."

The blurs in the dojo resolved into The God of Martial Arts and Ryoga in his hybrid form. Ryoga was sweating, Ranma was not. They had been sparring at supersonic speeds, and the shock waves were the source of the sound that had awakened the Tendos.

Ranma put a hand behind his head and looked sheepish. "Sorry about this. I reinforced the dojo, but I forgot to soundproof it."

Ryoga put an arm over Ranma's shoulder. "Thanks, Ranma, I haven't ever had a workout this good." He looked happy.

Ranma replied, "Thanks, buddy. I really enjoyed it."

"Just how fast were you guys moving?" Akane asked, "I could barely see you."

"About Mach seven or eight, I imagine. It was quite invigorating," answered Ranma.

Ryoga was surprised. "Were we really that fast?" Ranma nodded.

Akane paused, then hesitantly asked, "Ranma, would you like to train me in martial arts? For real, I mean."

Ranma's earlier attempts to train Akane had seemed more like teasing than training. He didn't know any better then, and she had found it extremely frustrating. Ranma gave Akane a loving look. "Sure, I'd be glad to. After school?"

Akane nodded, and hoped she hadn't bitten off more than she could chew. No way was she ready for Mach seven!

* * *

Ranko went to school as a girl, complete with a regulation girl's uniform. She didn't make a fuss about the Ranma/Ranko distinction and answered to either name. Naturally, this caused considerable speculation and gossip among the student body. By the end of the day most of their classmates had chalked it up to 'more Ranma weirdness' and gone about their business.

Tatewaki overheard the student's excited gossip and he became even more emotional than usual. "My red-haired goddess is here without that vile sorcerer Saotome, yet his foul enchantments continue to conceal her from my eyes." For once in his life Kuno was actually correct.

There was no overt trouble until it was time for Physical Education. Akane and Ranko entered the girl's locker room and got a hostile reaction from several of the occupants.

"I am not changing clothes with that _boy_ in the room!" exclaimed Yuka.

"What to you have that _she_ doesn't also have?" asked Sayuri, trying to be reasonable.

"That's not the point. He's only here to peep at us. That's why he came to school as a girl today," responded Yuka.

Sayuri, still calm, observed, "Pound-the-pervert Akane, the school's boy-hater, is here with Ranma and she doesn't seem disturbed."

Yuka quieted down somewhat. "I still don't like it." Addressing Ranko she continued, "Saotome, you don't have a locker in here. Go where you belong, in the boy's locker room."

"I don't need a locker," replied Ranko. She snapped her fingers and her school uniform was instantly replaced with gym clothes. Ranko sauntered out the door to the gym with a slight smile on her face.

"How did she do that?" Yuka wondered, unaware that she had substituted 'she' for 'he.'

Akane paused in changing her clothes to speculate. "Perhaps she used Mousse's hidden weapons technique, or a locker in hammerspace, combined with Amiguriken speed."

Ever-observant Sayuri remarked. "Ranma's been acting like a real girl today. I noticed the difference almost as soon as I saw her."

Another girl observed, "I think Ranma goes out of his way to do the unexpected. If she were to turn into a kangaroo I wouldn't be the least surprised."

During PE Ranko performed at a level just slightly above everyone else's. She was still the best in the class, but she didn't want to rub it in. This encouraged the other girls to do their best.

After PE Ranko was the first one into the showers. Yuka came in and saw the steam rising from Ranko's body. She was using hot water and didn't change into a boy.

"What happened to your curse, Ranma? Are you stuck as a girl now?" Yuka asked.

Ranko beamed at her. "When you master a Jusenkyo curse it becomes a blessing, Yuka. I can choose my own gender now. It's an opportunity most people never have."

Other girls were joining them in the shower now. "That's right," said Sayuri enviously, "All of us are stuck in our birth forms and never get to see how the other half lives. I wish I could change gender when I wanted to."

"Especially during 'that time of the month,'" interjected another girl.

"Be careful what you wish for," Ranko responded with a knowing smile, "You may get it."

* * *

Shampoo-tiger and the Moon Cats quickly arrived at the scene of the battle. Artemis looked a little green. "Don't do that!" he complained.

Luna looked pale. "Or at least warn us first." The smaller cats struggled to recover their feline dignity.

Shampoo changed to her human form so she could get a better view. She saw shoppers fleeing in panic as hundreds of seven-foot tall golems blundered around, causing chaos and destruction wherever they went.

General VHS wasn't kidding when she said she had an army of a thousand faceless minions. Unfortunately, she had overlooked the fact that 'faceless' meant they had neither eyes nor ears. Her 'soldiers' staggered around like blind drunks as they attempted to destroy anything they chanced to encounter--including each other. In spite if this handicap, they made up in numbers what they lacked in intelligence, and the general's plan might have succeeded.

Shampoo saw five girls clad in brightly-colored fuku striking theatrical poses, making pompous speeches, and launching magical attacks against the invaders. They were dispatching the faceless minions easily enough, but still more zombies were pouring into the square through a shimmering dimensional gateway.

Shampoo pointed to the golems and asked Luna, "What are those?"

"They're youma, monster agents of the negaverse." Luna rushed off.

Shampoo indicated the fuku-clad heroines and asked Artemis, "Who are the girls fighting the youma?"

"Haven't you heard of the Sailor Senshi? They're the famous warriors for love and justice. Excuse me, please." Artemis leapt away to get a better view.

Shampoo watched for a minute and came to a conclusion. "Those 'Senshi' will never win at this rate. They need help, preferably mine." She paused as she seemed to hear Ranko's voice in her head, offering a suggestion. A gleeful expression appeared on Shampoo's face. "I like it, I like it."

Most of the civilians had vacated the square, giving the remaining combatants (those who could see) a clear view. Shampoo grabbed a ball-point pen from her purse and held it aloft. She shouted, "Brunswick Automatic Lane Power Make UP!" One sparkly nude transformation sequence later Sailor Bowling Alley stood where Shampoo had been.

Sailor Bowling Alley wore a fuku of woodgrain-patterned cloth edged with black trim. Instead of a bow in front, she wore a golden brooch with a pattern of ten black spots arranged in a triangular array. She also wore a small black half-mask that covered her eyes. Naturally, she wore bowling shoes instead of the high-heeled boots of the other Senshi.

Sailor Bowling Alley leaped into the fray. She clobbered one of the youma over the head with a bowling pin that looked remarkably like a bonbori. The youma broke into two symmetrical halves, which turned to dust as they fell. She shouted, "Split!"

The newest senshi struck another youma, who turned to dust. "Strike!" Feeling emboldened, she struck two more youma, one with each hand. They also died a dusty death. "Strike two!" she called. Spotting three youma in a cluster fighting each other, she caught them in a pincer movement between two opposing bowling pins putting them out of their misery. Mixing sports metaphors, she shouted, "Strike three! You're out!"

"Sailor Bowling Alley?" asked Sailor Moon incredulously, "You've got to be kidding!" She dispatched two more youma, but it was clear that she was growing tired.

Sailor Mercury took a moment to consult her computer. "She may be unconventional, but she's effective. I hope she's really on our side." She returned to battling the enemy. "Shabon Spray."

Sailor Bowling Alley fought her way closer to the other Senshi. She overheard Sailor Mars say, "The only good youma--Fire Soul!"

Sailor Jupiter completed the thought. "...is a dead youma--Jupiter Lightning."

Sailor Moon said, "There's no such thing as a good youma!" while dispatching another invader.

Sailor Bowling Alley heard Ranko's voice in her head making another suggestion. With a mischievous expression on her face, she contradicted Sailor Moon. "Of course there are good youma--watch me prove it." She removed her brooch, held it aloft, and shouted, "High Calorie Escalation!"

A myriad beams of golden light emerged from the brooch, each targeting one of the remaining youma. The invading soldiers morphed slowly into large rectangular blocks of ice cream covered in rich dark chocolate and impaled on flat wooden sticks with rounded ends. These were enclosed in large paper wrappers imprinted with the words, "Good Youma Ice Cream Bar. Vanilla Flavor. Net weight 100 kilos."

General VHS did not escape the golden rays. She was hovering over the sunniest part of the street and was heard to wail, "I'm melting...I'm melting..." before falling silent forever.

The senshi stopped in shock and stared at the spectacular sight before them. Finally, Sailor Moon broke the silence. "Are those safe to eat?"

Sailor Bowling Alley replaced her brooch, grinned widely, and dusted off her hands. "Of course they're good to eat. I always do good work," she answered proudly.

Sailor Venus admonished, "Come off it, Moon, even you can't eat an ice cream bar that weighs more than you do."

"Maybe not, but I'd love to try. Besides, fighting youma makes me hungry."

"You're always hungry, Moon," observed Sailor Mercury.

"I see my work here is done," said Sailor Bowling Alley. With that she jumped high over the nearby buildings and out of sight. When she finally came to rest on the border of Nerima Shampoo transformed into her tiger form, stood upright and flexed her biceps. In a fine Amazonian imitation of another famous talking tiger, she exclaimed, "I'm Grrreat!"

Where was Sailor Pluto while this was going on? She was making out hot and heavy with Doctor Who and really didn't want to be interrupted. Thirty thousand years of celibacy was quite enough, thank you.

* * *

In Asgard Kamisama, Freya, and Peorth were watching the events on Midgard.

Kamisama was laughing aloud, something none of the goddesses could remember ever happening before. "Sailor Bowling Alley! Who said 'there's no new thing under the sun?' That was marvelous..."

Freya smiled. It was good to see Him so happy.

Peorth giggled. "I have it all down on tape. I can't wait to show the others."

"What kind of tape?" asked Freya. They usually used Yggdrasil's storage for keeping records.

"Why, VHS tape, of course," answered Peorth with a wide grin.

Another round of laughter filled the room.

* * *

(flashback)

Ranma and Skuld were having a training session in her apartment in Asgard. The elegant appearance of the room was spoiled by parts, tools, and half-completed projects littering every available horizontal surface.

"Debugging is an important part of every deities duties," Skuld explained. "I'm going to be your teacher because I'm one of the best debuggers around."

Ranma was puzzled. "Isn't debugging something computer guys do? I don't know nuthin about computers."

"We're all 'computer guys,' Ranma. We keep Yggdrasil, the computer that runs the universe, working smoothly. Should Yggdrasil malfunction or make a mistake it manifests as a bug. Zapping the bug fixes the problem, but if they're not stopped they can change the nature of reality itself."

"An' that's bad, huh?"

"Very bad," answered Skuld. She presented Ranma with a mallet similar to her own, but slightly larger and a darker shade of red. "This is your personal debugging tool. Keep it with you at all times. You can store it in a subspace pocket as long as you can still get it out quickly. Understand?" She sounded like a sergeant giving the "this is your rifle" speech to a new recruit--and in a very real sense, she was.

"It's important. I got it," answered Ranma. He hefted his mallet. "Nice balance. How does it work?"

"Every bug contains a synopsis of the computer problem that caused it. When you strike the head of the bug with this tool a mechanism in the mallet reads this information and figures out how to fix the problem, then it rewires Yggdrasil appropriately. On rare occasions, the tool makes a mistake and more bugs appear, but swatting them usually cures the problem completely."

"Neat! But that means we can't just kick the bugs, or throw lightning at them..."

"Right! Don't swing it in here, you might break something. We're going to a training hall to teach you how to use it."

The training hall turned out to be a large cubical room with mirrorlike floor, walls, and ceiling. Skuld explained, "This room is a holosuite, Ranma. It can simulate any place or situation that we ask for. Everything that you see or touch in here, no matter how lifelike it appears, is an illusion--except you and me, of course. Now try swinging your mallet to get a feel for it."

"Already did that," said Ranma, sounding bored.

"You mean that little bit you did earlier was enough to learn how to swing it?"

Ranma nodded.

Skuld gestured and a blue marble appeared on the floor and began rolling in an erratic fashion. "Okay, see if you can hit that," Skuld challenged.

"Nothin' to it." Ranma swung his hammer casually with one hand and nailed the target on his very first try.

Skuld blinked, and then remembered that she was talking to the God of Martial Arts. The debugging tool was essentially a weapon--of course he would be good at it. She decided to plunge ahead. "This is no ordinary hammer, Ranma. If you press this stud, the handle can extend up to twenty times its normal length." She demonstrated how to use that feature. "Press this other stud and the handle retracts. The harder you press, the faster it goes."

"Cool!" said Ranma.

Skuld produced four more target spheres at various distances from them. "Try to hit these now."

Ranma took four swings and hit all the targets. "Hey, that's neat."

Skuld pressed on with the lesson. A motionless bug appeared on the floor (imagine a cross between a bunny and a spider, only uglier.) "This is your target. Aim for its head, and show it no mercy." The bug began to skitter around at high speed.

Ranma watched it for a moment, fascinated by its erratic motion, then he swung and nailed it.

Skuld began to wonder if she could teach Ranma anything--he seemed to be a natural at this. She signaled for a change of scenery. The two deities appeared to be standing in an enormous chamber filled with shiny metallic cylinders and transparent, glowing cones. Cables and laser beams ran in every direction over their heads, connecting the odd devices together. There was a faint humming sound and a smell of ozone. "This is a typical data storage room," she explained, "and a favorite site for bugs to appear. Watch me."

Three dozen bugs appeared at random and began to hop about. Skuld donned a high-tech visor and proceeded to hunt down the critters. It sometimes took two or three swings to swat the elusive things, but she still got them all in less than a minute. A big grin of satisfaction appeared on her face.

"Now it's your turn," Skuld said. Three dozen bugs appeared.

Ranma had noticed how she was programming the holosuite. He doubled the number of bugs and made them move faster. Then he sprang into action and finished in less time than Skuld had taken.

The Goddess of the Future goggled at this display of skill. "You didn't miss even once!" she exclaimed, "And it looked like you were holding back so you wouldn't show me up."

Ranma put his hand behind his head. "Was I that obvious?"

Skuld threw up her hands. "This class is over." Then she bowed low and adopted a pleading pose. "Master, would you teach _me_ how to swat bugs? Please?"

Ranma looked nervous. "I ain't had much luck teaching martial arts--it's so easy for me that I can't explain what I do." He realized that this was a challenge, and Ranma never declined a challenge. "I'll give it a try, Skuld. Let me watch how you do it and I'll see how it's different from what I'd do."

Two dozen bugs appeared and Skuld ran around chasing them while Ranma watched intently.

"You have a little problem and a big problem, Skuld. The little problem should be easy for you to fix. You're aiming at where the bug is, not where it's gonna be when the hammer hits. I would guess that you, of all people, could look a little into the future and see where it's gonna be."

"Why didn't I think of that?" the goddess wondered. "What's the big problem, then?"

"You're holding and swinging the handle with your hands. That's not good enough."

"How can I use the debugging tool without holding the handle? Do you want me to use telekenesis?"

"That's not what I meant. You hafta forget about the handle, forget about your hands. Concentrate on the head of the hammer--where it is and where it's going. That's what's really important. All the rest--the handle and your hands--are just means to an end. Don't hold the hammer, _be_ the hammer. You have to make the tool a part of your body so that it moves just like a finger or a knee does. The head of the hammer should move by your volition; the mechanics of making it move hafta be automatic, subconscious."

Skuld thought that was almost poetic, given the crudeness of Ranma's speech. "Oh, I see, I think. How do I get there?"

"Practice. Keep swinging and focus your attention on the hammer head. When the handle and your arms disappear, you're there." A stationary blue target sphere appeared on the floor near her. "Hit that ten times in a row, and concentrate on the head of the debugging tool."

Skuld took ten swings, trying to make each attempt better than the one before it.

"That's good," said Ranma, "but I have a suggestion. When you begin your swing, try for speed and accuracy, not power. When you're almost at the target is when you try for power. Wasting force on the empty air is useless. You'll get less tired that way."

Skuld looked at him appreciatively. "Thank you, Sensei."

Ranma put his hand behind his head and thought,"Sensei, huh? I could get used to this."

* * *

Ranko and Akane were in the dojo preparing for her first lesson. Ranko had enlarged herself slightly so she was the same height as Akane.

"Why are you a girl?" Akane asked. "I thought Ranma was the martial artist."

"I know everything that Ranma does--we are the same person. This way I can move like a girl and you'll find it easier to copy my examples."

"Oh," said Akane. "Does that mean I'll be at a disadvantage training male students?"

"There will be a slight disadvantage, but a good sensei can overcome that. I'm doing it this way because I want to do the best job possible. Now watch me carefully." Ranko moved through a beginner's kata with fluid grace.

"My father taught me that one when I was a little girl," protested Akane.

"If you hadn't noticed, you're not a little girl anymore. Your strength-to-weight ratio has changed, your mass distribution has changed, and even your bones are not the same shape as they were then. Now let's see you do it."

Akane performed the kata, trying to match Ranko's graceful moves. Her sensei watched her carefully.

Ranko said, "Akane, you did it like this," and she imitated Akane's performance. "I did it like this." Ranko performed the kata correctly. "Notice the difference." There were only slight differences between the two versions. "Now try it again."

As Akane repeated the kata Ranko kept up a running commentary. "Keep your left elbow a little higher...straighten out your neck...don't overreach...that's good." Without being asked, Akane did the kata again. Ranko had fewer corrections this time. "Keep your foot pointing forwards...straighten out your wrist...not so jerky...you're getting it."

Ranko called a halt when Akane had finished. "You've almost got it down perfectly, Akane, but you are holding your muscles too tight. You'll get overtired or hurt yourself if you can't loosen up."

"I always hold my muscles tight," replied Akane.

"Yes, and that's part of the reason for your clumsiness. Also, you're not breathing efficiently."

Akane bristled. "I am breathing properly, Sensei. I take slow, deep breaths, emphasizing my diaphragm, not my ribs."

"That's true enough. You're inhaling properly, but for maximum efficiency you need to exhale more completely. You waste nearly ten percent of your lung capacity by not exhaling fully. Take five minutes to meditate and practice breathing, and then try again."

After two more repetitions Akane had it down perfectly. Ranko congratulated her and told her to do it five more times.

"Five times?" Akane protested, "Why?"

"Okay, ten times," answered Ranko. "Akane, your brain knows the moves now, but your muscles haven't memorized them yet. In a fight, your brain has to concentrate on strategy and trust your body to handle the tactics reflexively. You have to be able to do this without thinking, and that requires lots of repetitions. We'll practice this again tomorrow, only a little faster."

Akane grumbled, but she repeated the kata ten more times. She wasn't tired because she had managed to loosen up.

"Now we spar," said Ranko. "Go only as fast as you're comfortable with. We'll both use only the moves in the kata, but in any order that makes sense."

"Are we going to spar for real, with hitting and all that?"

"Certainly, student. You needn't worry about hurting me."

"I'm not worried about hurting you," Akane thought, "I just hope I don't bruise too badly."

They bowed to each other. Ranko called, "Begin!" and they began to spar.

Nabiki peeked in a few minutes later to see how they were doing. Her jaw dropped in surprise. She ran into the house yelling "Everybody! Come to the dojo. You gotta see this." She ran to get her movie camera. The Tendos dropped what they were doing and hurried outside.

Kasumi watched the sparring for a minute and exclaimed, "Oh my! Ranma's performed another miracle--Akane is actually graceful."

Nabiki started filming. She muttered, "They've put the art into martial arts. This is almost balletic."

Soun looked on in admiration. He noticed that Ranko was staying just a little bit beyond Akane's level of skill, thus encouraging her student to surpass herself. Naturally, he wept for joy.

* * *

Shampoo entered the Nekohanten wearing a mile-wide smile on her face. "Grandmother... Grandmother..."

Cologne appeared, hopping on her staff. "What is it child? I have seldom seen you so cheerful since we left our village."

"Ranko gave me a wonderful gift today. Grandmother. Watch this." Shampoo raised her pen and shouted, "Brunswick Automatic Lane Power, Make UP!" One sparkly transformation sequence later the new pseudo-senshi stood revealed. She pirouetted to better display her new costume.

Cologne could sense the magic surrounding her great granddaughter. She covered her face with her hands as her body shook uncontrollably.

Xian Pu couldn't tell whether Cologne was laughing or crying. "Grandmother?" she asked tentatively.

Ku Lon uncovered her face, her eyes moist with tears of mixed emotions. "Yes, I suppose it is a wonderful gift, but it is very unamizonian. We don't use magic to enhance our fighting skills, daughter. You realize that you do look somewhat silly this way, yet I can tell that it makes you happy."

"This magic does not improve my fighting skill, but it does give me a degree of protection. Think of it as lightweight armor. Amazons are allowed to wear armor."

"I see." Cologne nodded. "You have my blessing to use it, but be careful not to disgrace us Amazons or the regular senshi. Use this gift to protect people and do good deeds, but do not use it in amazonian combat."

"Of course, Grandmother. I will not dishonor our tribe or the Sailor Scouts."

* * *

Kasumi had prepared a fine dinner because the Tendos were having company. Genma, now a guest and no longer a freeloader, and Nodoka were visiting their old friends. Less than the usual amount of chaos prevailed because Ranma and Akane had agreed to be married soon and had warned the grownups not to interfere.

"I'm impressed at how much Akane has improved after just one lesson," observed Soun. There were several murmurs of agreement. Genma felt proud of his son/daughter.

Nabiki asked, "Ranko, this wasn't your first time teaching, was it? We never saw you train anybody before, but obviously you've had experience."

"Yes, I've had experience," Ranko replied, "I've trained two war gods and a warrior goddess, among others."

"Why would a war god want martial arts training?" Nabiki asked, intrigued.

"Ares had too high an opinion of himself--sort of like Kuno on steroids--so he challenged me to a fight. I fought him barehanded and whipped his ass, despite his sword and armor. Instead of holding a grudge, he was impressed and asked me to train him. He's not a bad sort, really, even if he is a war god."

The prevailing good mood was shattered as the resident pervert bounded through the door. "What a haul!" Happosai exclaimed. When he caught sight of Ranko sitting at the table, he dropped his sack of stolen undergarments and launched himself at the redhead. "Sweeto!"

Ranko sighed, stood up, turned around to face the old pervert, and transformed into the God of Martial Arts. Happosai found himself suspended in mid-leap and unable to move.

"Happosai, you are a great disappointment," Ranma began, "Your behavior brings discredit to me, and yet you are too good a martial artist for me to merely disown you."

"How can I bring discredit to you, you young pup? I am your master!" Happosai was indignant.

"You never were my master, Happosai. I am the God of Martial Arts, so you are in my domain and _I_ am _your_ master."

Happosai was wicked, but he wasn't stupid. He noted Ranma's body language, his garb, and especially his aura of tremendous power. Ranma was telling the truth--this changes everything! Happosai began to sweat big-time. "What are you going to do with me?" He was gently lowered to the floor and released from his paralysis.

Ranma wore his trademark cocky grin. "First, I'm going to change your relationship to ladie's underwear. Your 'silky darlings' will make you itch and break out in hives; you won't be able to get any ki from them anymore."

"Why not just kill me now?" wailed Happosai, "You know I need that female ki to balance my own--I'll die without it."

"I won't let you die yet, old man, death is too good for you. I'll give you an alternate source of the ki you need. When anyone feels sincerely grateful to you and thanks you of their own free will, then you will get a charge of feminine ki."

The old pervert was aghast. "You mean I have to be _good_ for the rest of my life? I can't do that! I don't even know how..." He trailed off into incoherent mumbling.

"Not just good, but noble, Happosai. It's not a curse, it's a blessing. You'll discover that making other people feel good is very satisfying. Once you get the hang of it you'll thank me."

Happosai cried. "How could you be so cruel? Making me be good! It's unthinkable. It's inhumane! It's unfair! I want my mommy..." The ancient pervert was having a tantrum just as a small child would.

Soun and Genma stood up and offered a round of applause to Ranma. In a moment the other diners joined in--this was the best news they had heard since Ranma and Akane's nuptial plans were announced.

Ranma turned around and sternly addressed the others. "Don't thank me yet. You guys will have to dispose of his stash of pilfered panties. I know it's supposed to be his job, but he can't even go near them now."

Happosai cried even more loudly. "Don't get rid of my treasures, my loves..."

Akane asked, "Can't you just magic them back to their rightful owners? It's not fair to make us clean up his mess."

Ranma looked grim. "Who kowtowed to Happosai and never stood up to him? You are all complicit in his evil because you never objected or resisted."

Genma complained, "Happosai is too powerful. If we had stood up to him he would have trashed us soundly."

"A martial artist's life is fraught with peril," Ranma quoted in Genma's own voice.

Genma grumbled. Ranma turned back into Ranko, sat down, and resumed eating.

* * *

The Sailor Senshi gathered at the Hiyakawa shrine in their civilian identities to discuss the events of the recent battle.

"What do we know about Sailor Bowling Alley?" Usagi asked. "If she's on our side, that's great, but what if she isn't?"

Luna spoke up. "When we met her she appeared to be another Moon Cat. She introduced herself as 'Xian Pu, an amazon warrior of the Joketsuzoku, but most people call me Shampoo.' Then she turned into a talking tiger, then into a nearly grown girl, and finally she transformed into Sailor Bowling Alley."

"If she has that many identities, she may have even more that we don't know about," observed Artemis.

"Ami, what does your computer have on Xian Pu?" Usagi asked, "It could give us a valuable lead."

Ami consulted the Mercury Computer. "It says she's one of the better martial artists in Nerima. She's very honorable by her own rules, but those rules are not those of our society. She works at the Nekohanten restaurant, and she loves to fight."

A respectful silence filled the room. "I've heard of the martial artists in Nerima, but I always discounted those stories," Minako said in hushed tones, "Nobody could be that good."

"No wonder there are no youma attacks in Nerima," Usagi said.

"She's not the best fighter in Nerima, but she's much better than us in a melee," Ami said. "I didn't see her use magical attacks until that last one."

Usagi said, "Do you suppose we could ask her to train us in martial arts? Or ask one of the other Nerima fighters?"

"Oh, please," answered Rei, "We lead pretty full lives already. With school and monster attacks and homework, who has time for more lessons?"

A sigh filled the room.

* * *

The sun had set, and the house was relatively quiet. Ranma and Akane were in Akane's room having a serious conversation.

"I'm getting nervous, Ranma" Akane began quietly.

"Pre-bridal jitters?" asked Ranma.

"Well that too, but my main problem is that I'm afraid I won't measure up to your expectations."

Ranma raised an eyebrow.

"I used to be considered the best fighter in the school, and I was sought after by so many boys. I hated the way they tried to get my attention, but it was nice to be wanted. Then you came along. You were so much better than I, better in martial arts, better in cooking, better in sewing, better in swimming, better in everything, and you even were a cuter girl than I. You teased me and called me names. Your friends came soon afterwards, and they were better fighters than I too--and those girls were _cute_. I was knocked off my pedestal. I thought I couldn't compete with any of the new crowd."

Ranma explained lovingly, "Akane, I teased you because that's the only way I knew to express affection. The only role model I had for ten years was my baka father, and he belittled me constantly. I don't do it any more because I know how hurtful it can be."

Akane continued, "I expressed my jealousy by hitting you with my mallet or anything else that was handy. Not the best way to win your affection. I'm so sorry now."

"Actually that was a good way to get me to love you. After ten years with only panda-baka for a parent abuse was the only form of affection I'd known. I let you hit me because it showed that you cared. None of your rivals would hit me, so I chose you. Fortunately, I've grown up some since then."

"Then you ascended, and became so much better than you had been before. Now you're not in my class--you're not in anybody's class anymore. How do I know that you won't get tired of me and run off with some goddess... or even a god? I feel so inadequate."

"Akane, never try to be better than somebody else; that leads to frustration. You're not somebody else, you are Akane, my beloved. Instead, always strive to be better than you are now; that's the way to success and happiness." Ranma looked straight into her eyes. "Out of all the girls and boys on Earth and in heaven, you are the only one I want to marry. Doesn't that suggest something important?" Speaking seriously, he appeared to change the subject. "Akane, what gender are you? What gender am I?"

"I'm female and you're currently male. Isn't that obvious?"

"Almost everybody makes that mistake. Akane, nobody is male or female, every person is a blend of masculine and feminine qualities, mentally and physically. Every man has an x chromosome. Men have mammary glands and nipples, though they're not good for much. Every woman makes testosterone in her glands, and some women, including you, even have a rudimentary prostate gland. Everybody is sexually attracted to both genders to some degree. It's normal and it's healthy. A minority of people are homosexual, bisexual, or transgendered, but there is no sharp boundary for those categories either. There is an enormous range of gender identities; there is no such thing as pure male or pure female."

"Okay, that's interesting, but why do you bring it up now?"

"I was born with a normal boy's body, but my father ruthlessly suppressed any sign of feminine traits so I would become a 'man among men.' I grew up abnormally lopsided--not a man, but a caricature of a man, a macho parody of a man. You saw the result, and you hated it. Heck, even I hated it - it wasn't what I wanted to be. If it hadn't been for Ranko I would probably be certifiably insane--extremely gender imbalanced. My girl side is excessively feminine to compensate--she tries to make me balanced. Now my personality contains a highly male component and a highly female component, but they're not well integrated. Are you with me so far?"

Akane nodded.

"You are a girl with less than the usual feminine qualities and more than the usual masculine qualities for a female, my lovely tomboy. That means you're more centered, you're better blended than other people are. You and I complement each other--you are strong where I am lacking, and vice-versa. We make each other whole--we need each other to be all that we can be. That's why I want to marry you and nobody else--well, that and your beautiful smile."

Akane asked, "Do you mean to say that you don't want your other fiancees because they're too feminine?" She didn't know whether to be pleased or insulted.

"Yes, with the possible exception of Ukyo, who passes as a man. I don't need a feminine girl, I am one. 'Kane, I feel that I can communicate better with you than with other people because you're both masculine and feminine."

"But we used to feud and fight continuously before you ascended..."

Ranma smiled at her. "Just another way we are alike--headstrong, big ego, and don't like to be pushed around. If it weren't for our parents insisting, we would eventually get along with each other very well, just as we're doing now."

Akane stared at Ranma with tears in her eyes and joy in her heart. "I love you so much, Ranma. You sure know how to make a girl feel good." They embraced each other warmly.

***

* * *

Author's cogitations:

My hard drive is stuffed with all the Ranma-becomes-a-deity stories that I can find. Many of them have Ranma permanently female, e.g.: Goddess of Sex (The Accidental Goddess), Goddess of Luck (Ah! My Ranma One Half!), etc. This story follows that hallowed tradition somewhat, but I felt Ranma wouldn't be Ranma without some gender changing. In this tale Ranma finds that being female is more useful than his male aspect, and he acquiesces to that reality. By not fighting it, by accepting his unique condition, Ranma grows more mature and stronger than he could be if he kept resisting it. Even a deity cannot be effective if he's uncomfortable with his own true nature.

Mike


	5. 5r3 Super Youma?

Ranma's Ascension - Chapter 5  
By Mike Breslau

Disclaimer: Better folks than I own most of the characters that appear in this scribbling. The original characters (you'll know them when you meet them) in this work are mine, all mine! (But you can borrow them if you'll treat them kindly.)

The author wishes to apologise to those who injured themselves by laughing too hard at 'Sailor Bowling Alley'.

* * *

On the way to school the next morning Ranma and Akane were accosted by Pantyhose Taro.

"Where is the old freak?" Taro demanded with his usual belligerence.

Ranma sighed and transformed into Ranko. "I haven't time for this, so I'll make time." She gestured.

Taro didn't notice that the outside world had stopped, but he did see Ranma change without the use of water. "Showing your true colors, fem-boy?" he taunted.

Ranko calmly answered, "You can't insult me by referring to my gender--I'm proud to be what I am. When I'm male I'm more manly than you'll ever be, and when I'm female I'm more womanly than you could dream of."

Taro gave an unpleasant laugh. "Dream on, fem-boy. How did you change without water?"

"I'm the God of Martial Arts when I'm Ranma, and I'm the Goddess of Transformations when I'm Ranko. That gives me control over all the Jusenkyo curses, and considerable power over you, Pantyhose."

"Don't call me that," snapped Taro, "and I don't believe you for a minute."

Ranko shrugged and turned Taro into a 12-year-old girl.

Taro examined herself in shock. "Turn me back!"

Ranko tapped her foot. "Say please."

Taro fumed. After a minute she said, "Please turn me back."

Ranko smiled at her and changed Taro back to his birth form. "I was going easy on you, young man. I could easily have changed you into this..." She projected a three dimensional image of a pair of pantyhose standing empty and upright, with two eyes and a mouth near the top.

Taro turned pale. It had finally dawned on him that he was way out of his league.

Ranko said, "You are a special case, my friend. You are the only one of the Jusenkyo victims who likes his cursed form. I'll let you keep it, but I offer you three improvements if you want them."

Taro asked suspiciously, "What kind of improvements?"

"First, would you like to be able to talk while in your other shape?"

Taro's eyes widened. "Really? That would be good."

Ranko gestured. "Done. Secondly, would you like voluntary control over your form changes? You'd be unaffected by water, except to get wet, but you'd have to spend at least 24 hours per month in your monster form."

Taro considered this. "Sounds like a good deal, I'll take it."

Ranko nodded. "Done. Third, whatever you are wearing will go into storage when you change and will reappear when you change back. That applies to both your forms--your kaijuu self could be sartorially splendid if you wished."

"That hardly seems important," Taro said.

"Clothes make the man," responded Ranko. She projected an image of a smartly-tailored yeti/crane/octopus/tiger/etc. melange.

"Oh, what the heck," said Taro, "I'll take that too. What do I owe you?"

"Do you think you could keep a civil tongue? That would be appreciated. I don't need anything you could possibly pay me, but I thank you for being the first to offer. Now, why were you looking for Happosai?"

"To get him to change my name, of course." Why would anyone need to ask?

"You'll never get a decent name from Happosai, but I can take care of that too," responded Ranko. A silvery card appeared in her hand, and she gave it to Taro.

Taro read the card aloud, "'Good for one name change,' How does it work?"

"Keep it until you have chosen a name that you're sure you like, then hold it aloft and call out your new name. If the card disappears, then the new name is yours. It can be anything you want, Fearless Taro, Splendid Taro, or even Poi, and all the records will be changed to show that your name has always been whatever you've chosen."

"Poi?" asked Taro, obviously confused.

"You know, the dish the Hawaiians make out of taro root," answered Ranko with a grin.

Taro gave Ranko a long silent hooded glare. A sense of humor was not one of his strong points. Finally he asked, "Why are you being so generous to me? I've never done anything to make you like me."

Ranko smiled, "You're a martial artist and a shape changer. When you look good it makes me look good."

Taro clearly didn't understand. He shook his head. "If you say so...I still want to beat up the old freak for putting me through years of hell."

"Oh, I've already punished him more than you ever could. There are advantages to being a deity, you know."

"I'm beginning to see that. What did you do to him?"

"I made him live out the rest of his days as a virtuous old man." Ranko grinned and changed back into Ranma.

Taro boggled. "Virtuous? Oh my lord, that'll eat him alive. He'd rather be boiled in oil, I'm sure."

The rest of the world started to move again as the time-stop spell ended.

"By the way, has anyone ever explained how an octopus can drown? In a landlocked magical spring, no less?" asked Ranma with a big grin.

Taro looked stunned. It had never occurred to him to question the validity of the springs he had used to enhance his cursed form.

"See you around, big guy," said Ranma as he turned to leave.

* * *

(flashback)

Skuld led Ranma to a building that resembled a larger version of a traditional Japanese temple. It was constructed of the luminous, translucent white marble that was so popular in Asgard. An annex of several rooms had been added to the right side of the building. One of these rooms was their destination.

A young man, about Ranko's height, awaited them. He had no god-markings on his face, but he had an aura of authority just the same.

Skuld made introductions. "Sensei, this is Ranma, the God of Martial Arts. He's also Ranko, the Goddess of Transformations. Ranma, this is Sensei. He's the tutor and advisor to all the gods in Asgard. Sensei will handle most of your training from now on."

Ranma bowed to show his respect. Sensei must be a very special person to be advisor to the gods. Sensei returned the bow, then kissed Skuld briefly on the lips. Skuld looked fondly at him and then left the room. Ranma raised an eyebrow.

"She's my wife," explained Sensei. He paused. "I've read your file, Ranma, and I must say that I'm impressed. Your life makes mine look ordinary by comparison, and yet you managed to keep both your sanity and your sense of humor."

"I had no choice," Ranma admitted, "my life was so chaotic that I couldn't afford to go crazy."

"How do you like Asgard so far, Ranma?"

"It's nice, but it's weird. It's nothing like Earth - the colors, the geometry, even the aromas are all new to me. The best part is that I don't have to pretend to be stupid anymore..."

Sensei raised an eyebrow. "Why did you have to act stupid before?"

Ranma sighed. "It's my pop's training. Never let an opponent know how good you are. Shampoo did the same thing."

Sensei got down to business. "How much do you know about being a divinity?"

"Not much, really. I know about the code--it's similar to the martial artist's code of honor. I was told about the classes of license, my secondary energy sources, my transportation media, my on duty uniforms, and all sorts of trivia that doesn't make sense yet. It turns out I'm really good at debugging. I feel like a beginner in every way that matters."

"I thought so. We'll start from the very basics and work up as you master those. Your progress will become much more rapid once you're adept at telepathy. Your file says that you're a rapid learner--that will save us some time."

"Sounds good to me," replied Ranma.

Sensei explained without seeming to lecture. "Just as ki is the basis of all life, mana is the foundation of all magic. Mortals and deities generate ki just by being alive; a few learn to sense, focus, and manipulate it. Deities normally receive mana through their facial markings. While you're here in Asgard, the ambient mana level is high. When you're on the mortal plane your supply of mana is reduced, and that's why you need secondary energy sources. Let me show you how to sense mana and how to make your own when other supplies are unavailable."

"I can make my own mana?" asked Ranma.

"My sister discovered how mortals can make their own mana, although the quantity is less than deities have access to. Gods can make mana using her technique too. We'll get to that in a moment. Let's start with sensing mana. Here in Asgard mana is so omnipresent that you can't feel it--much the way fish don't notice water. So I will start by removing all the mana from you and from this room. Pay attention to any sensations you may experience when I do this."

Sensei gestured as he cast a quick spell using the mana in the room to erect a shield to keep out external energy.

Ranma shivered. "Oh, that feels strange."

"Ranma, show me a ball of ki, please."

The student held out his hand and produced a sphere of light yellow energy.

The tutor held out his own hand and made a ball of silvery white energy. "This is mana, Ranma. Touch it with your free hand and feel it. Compare that with how your ki feels."

Ranma gently touched each ball of energy. "My ki feels warm, and your mana feels like electricity."

Sensei smiled. "Very good. We'll make you an expert in no time..."

* * *

Ranko and Akane had just finished another martial arts lesson in the dojo, and Akane was hot and tired. Ranko, of course, was still clean and fresh.

Ranko, in her sensei role, commanded, "I want you to take a quick shower and change, and then meet me for another lesson."

Akane winced. "Haven't I had enough for one day? I'm beat."

"Don't worry, this will be a different kind of lesson," replied Ranko.

Akane did as she was told, wondering all the while what Ranko had in mind. When she finished changing she found Ranma waiting for her. He led the way into the kitchen.

"What is this?" Akane asked curiously.

"Martial Arts Cooking lesson--trust me," Ranma answered with a mischievous smile. Akane started to object, but he silenced her with a gesture. "Now close your eyes and calm yourself. I want you to visualize standing on a beach watching the sunset. Try for as much detail, in as many senses, as you can. Is the sky cloudless? Is the temperature balmy? Do you smell the ocean? Can you hear the waves lapping at the shore, or the cries of seabirds?"

Akane concentrated in silence for nearly a minute. "Okay, I think I've got it. Is this some kind of meditation?"

Ranma asked, "No, it's an exercise in visualization. What color is the sky?"

"It's a vivid orange color near the horizon."

"Good. Now leave everything the same but replace the orange with violet."

Akane tried to obey. She opened her eyes and exclaimed, "But that's all wrong! I can't do it."

Ranma gave her an approving look. "Good--I'm glad you can feel the wrongness." He gestured and an easel holding a stretched canvas appeared. He gave a startled Akane a pallette loaded with paints and an artist's brush. "Now I want you to paint a picture of the scene you imagined."

Akane was completely confused. "I've never painted before, how can I do this? And you said this was a cooking lesson, not a painting lesson."

"Oh, it certainly is a cooking lesson, but we're doing it my way." Ranma paused to put a blindfold on Akane. "Now I want you to paint the picture with your eyes closed."

Akane was outraged. "That's impossible, and you know it. How can I possibly make a painting with my eyes closed? It this some kind of modern art joke?"

The painting gear and blindfold disappeared at Ranma' gesture. "I said it's a cooking lesson, and we're almost there. You think you can't paint without seeing what you're doing, right?"

Akane nodded vigorously.

With a triumphant expression Ranma followed up with, "But you have no problems cooking a meal without tasting it?"

Akane tried to protest. "But that's different..." She trailed off in shock and confusion. Was it really any different? Could this be the source of her difficulty? Had she ever tasted her own cooking? Oh my! Oh dear...

Ranma was on a roll now. "Akane, a good cook can imagine how a meal will taste by combining in her mind the flavors and textures of the ingredients she plans to use. She can 'visualize' a taste exactly the way you could imagine a sunset. Of course, it takes a little experience before you can do this, but everybody starts out as a beginner."

Akane was feeling humbled. "I can't even try to do that. I don't have the 'palate' of different flavors to draw upon..."

"I said everybody starts as a beginner. Now we will try the most elementary possible exercise." Ranma extended his hands, palm upwards. A small heap of fine white powder appeared in each palm. "Lick the tip of your finger, dip it in the powder on your left, and then taste your finger."

"It tastes sweet," Akane observed.

"Now taste the other pile," Ranma urged.

"That's a stronger flavor, like concentrated sweat."

"I'm glad you can tell them apart," said Ranma. "The sweet one is sugar; the other one is salt. Do you think you could substitute one for another?"

Akane was having an epiphany. "No, that would be as bad as replacing orange with violet."

Ranma gave her an approving look. "What have you learned so far, student?"

"You have to use the right ingredients?" offered Akane tentatively.

"Good. We're making progress." Ranma opened the cupboard. "This is sugar," he said pointing, "and this is salt. See, the container even says 'salt' so there'll be no confusion. This is flour--it has nearly no taste, but you'll use a lot of it in baking." He bent over and opened the under-sink cabinet. "This is detergent. Never use it in cooking unless you want to make someone sick. This is drain opener--you can kill someone if they eat this stuff."

Akane blushed. She had used those "ingredients" from time to time.

Ranma opened the cutlery drawer. "These knives are tools for preparing food--not weapons for destroying it!" He held up a knife. "This is good for carving meat or poultry. It has a long blade to cut big pieces of meat, and a narrow blade to reduce friction. Do not try to cut bone with it." He held up smaller knife. "This is useful for dealing with small items, like strawberries or radishes, where a bigger knife would be unwieldy." Ranma picked up a medium-sized knife with a broad blade having indentations near the edge. "This is a santoku, the most versatile knife in the kitchen. It's my favorite."

Akane looked at the knife. "Where's the grid of numbers?"

"It's 'santoku', not 'sudoku'. Akane, I said this is a Martial Arts Cooking lesson, and I meant it. Martial arts isn't only about fighting or katas or breaking bricks, it's a way of life. Genma said, 'Everything is martial arts,' and he was right. Martial arts is about awareness, and self-control, and precision, and choosing the best course of action, and more. It's a way of living life to the fullest."

Akane nodded, her eyes wide open.

Ranma continued, "At the most basic level, a cook has to use the right ingredients in the right amounts, select the best tools for the job and use them properly, and control time and temperature. Those skills are essential. You can't substitute a wok for a frying pan or use a chopstick instead of a knife. You can't bake a cake in half the time by doubling the oven temperature."

"I see," said Akane. These were new concepts for her.

"At your level, you have to learn how to read and interpret a recipe, and how to follow it correctly. Later, when you get good enough, you can begin to work without a cookbook. Do you know the most important difference between a master chef and a master baker?"

"There's a difference?" asked Akane.

"A chef puts his own interpretation on every recipe, and makes it uniquely his own. When chefs exchange recipes they list the ingredients but omit the quantities. When you're a chef you know the right quantities without being told. In contrast, a baker must follow a recipe exactly, or make only minor adjustments for altitude or humidity. The chemistry involved in baking is very sensitive to errors; being creative usually leads to disaster. You, my student, for now must follow a recipe exactly. Do you think you're up to the task?"

Akane nodded.

That evening Akane made and served dinner for her family. While it wasn't up to Kasumi's level, it was much better than dining hall food. Nabiki thought Ranma had performed another miracle.

* * *

Queen Betamax paced back and forth in front of her misshapen throne. A wise person would be careful not to aggravate her; she was clearly in a foul mood. The two remaining generals stood at attention and bigsweated.

"General VHS's plan should have worked, if only that blasted new senshi hadn't shown up. Now we've lost a general and a thousand minions too," complained the queen. She turned to the taller of the two remaining generals. "General DVD, can your plan defeat the senshi and Sailor Bowling Alley too?"

General DVD stood tall and answered proudly, "I have a dozen super-youma at my beck and call. They're strong, fast, smart, and invulnerable to magic. The senshi won't stand a chance against them."

The queen looked hopeful. "Very well, you may proceed as soon as you're ready."

General DVD bowed low and teleported away in a shower of sparkly digital bits.

"Dismissed!"

* * *

In another place entirely, the Daimakaicho Hild held court with her demon advisors.

"Kamisama has elevated a mortal to godhood--and quite a powerful deity at that. It would be only fair if we were to recruit a mortal to our ranks. We have to keep the doublet system balanced, you know."

"I think I have just the man for the job," said a red-skinned oni with a malicious grin, "He might even be over-qualified..."

Hild raised an eyebrow. "Indeed? Let me see his file."

The oni gave her a datapad that materialized in his claw.

Hild smiled. "He's a little single-minded, but we can deal with that. Why don't you send someone to interview the candidate?"

The oni bowed.

* * *

Ranma and Akane were 'studying' in her room.

"Ranma," Akane asked timidly, "would you think I was a hentai if I said I was attracted to your girl side?"

Ranma beamed at her. "No, I'd be delighted."

Akane raised her eyebrows. "Really?"

"Of course. I want you to love all of me, not just my guy side."

"Oh. That sounds reasonable." Akane paused. "I don't know if you can answer this other question yet, but I can't think of anyone more qualified to know the answer." She paused again, looking nervous.

"Yes?" Ranma prompted.

"Is sex better for a man or for a woman?" she asked quietly, blushing.

"Everyone wonders about that sooner or later. If a woman is fortunate then she can have it much better than a man, but too many women aren't that lucky."

"Really?"

"A guy's sexual response is reflexive--it's built in. It's tied to ejaculation, and that's as it should be. If his semen doesn't flow, the man may as well not have lived, so far as evolution is concerned. When he's young his climax can strike with the force of a sledgehammer blow--and be over just as soon. A man's pleasure is largely confined to his genital area. In contrast, a woman's sexual pleasure is learned, not hard-wired. It takes time to develop. Her body is more sensitive than a man's body. If she has a considerate and gentle partner, she can learn to have wonderful orgasms--the kind that affect her entire body. A few fortunate women can experience orgasms that last for hours, something that no male can match."

Akane's eyes grew large. "Really? Hours?" She paused for a moment, at a loss for words. "Will you be a considerate and gentle partner?"

"Of course, Akane. I always try to do my best at anything I do."

* * *

Akane and Ranko arrived early at school and found the other students standing frozen in place, as if in a time-stop spell. Ranko quickly cast a protective spell over her beloved. "It's another demon, Akane," she warned softly.

"You got that right, bruddah," said Senbei, dropping his cloaking spell. Senbei appeared to be a rather dapper young man, somewhat on the slender side. The self-described "kami of poverty and despair" had recently been promoted to Demon First Class, and was eager to try his hand against the new kid on the other team.

Ranko looked him over. "Well, at least you're prettier than Kreplach."

"Your opinion doesn't matter, goddess," sneered Senbei, "We have our own standards, and your looks don't measure up in our eyes."

"I'm so disappointed," retorted Ranko sarcastically, placing a hand over her heart. "Are we going to fight, or are you just going to make us late for school?"

"We fight," answered the demon, "and then you'll be late for school." He cast a fireball at Ranko, and then had to dodge as the spell reflected right back at him.

Ranko threw a brilliant pinpoint of blue light at the demon. The light was harmless, except for its blinding effect, but it served as a distraction. She then cast a heat spell at the demon. Senbei retaliated with a bolt of black lightning, which Ranko dodged.

Senbei materialized a small shimmering transparent dagger in his right hand and charged at Ranko. He was moving faster than the human eye could follow, but wherever he struck Ranko wasn't there. She flowed around his blows like so much smoke.

"Hold still, damn you," cried the frustrated demon.

"Okay," Ranko answered, "You asked for it." The Goddess of Transformations stopped and cast a spell at her approaching attacker. Senbei slowly morphed into an entirely new form.

Have you ever seen a living porcupine turned inside out? The lining of the alimentary canal now formed the outer covering, convulsing slowly with inverted peristalsis and dripping digestive fluids. The muscles and bones, greatly distorted, formed the middle layer. The skin was now the innermost layer, with the quills now poking into the flesh of the creature from the inside.

"Ooh, that's disgusting," Akane said.

"Maybe it is for you and me, but demons have their own standards. Perhaps he finds it elegant," Ranko suggested. She set about releasing the students from their paralyzed state. "If we hurry, we won't be late for school."

* * *

There is a park in Azabu Juuban. On most days, it's a tranquil place, the loudest sounds to be heard are those made by young children at play. Today was not one of those days.

A dozen super-youma appeared in the park. They were nine feet tall, shaped like overly-muscular matrons. They wore blue tights with a yellow 'Yen' symbol on their chests, red capes, and ugly sneers. Naturally, the good citizens screamed in panic and made haste to exit the park. That was exactly what General DVD expected them to do.

Two minutes later the Senshi appeared on the scene. Sailor Moon struck a pose and began to orate, "Harassing innocent men and women is unforgivable! In the name of the Moon, I will oog..." Her declamation was cut short as the nearest super-youma dropped its fist on her head with the force of a pile driver, burying the Senshi neck-deep in the ground. Moon's magic protected her from severe harm, but she was out like a light.

"So you're going to oog," taunted the youma, "I'm so scared!"

"Better skip the speeches and just attack," advised Mars. "Fire Soul!" Her flames did not miss, but they had no effect. Mars was backhanded into a tree trunk and slumped to the ground.

"Shabon Spray!" Sailor Mercury's attack was equally useless.

"Venus Love-Me chain!" was pretty, but ineffective. Sailor Venus was quickly wrapped up in her own chain.

"Jupiter Lightning!" Spectacular, but futile.

Alas, the Senshi's magic was wasted on the super-youma who were quickly overpowering the sailor suited warriors of love and justice.

The super-youma were strong. They were fast. They were smart. They were nearly invulnerable. They were impervious to magic. They were specifically designed to defeat the Sailor Senshi.

They were no match for Tuxedo Taro.

The former Pantyhose Taro had been passing through Azabu Juuban on his way back to China when he heard the screams coming from the park. Never one to miss out on a good fight, he had hurried over and quickly assessed the situation. "Monsters shouldn't beat up on young girls," he thought. It takes one to know one.

Taro quickly changed into his kaijuu form. Taro-kaijuu was striking in appearance, wearing a dark purple tuxedo (size 82) specially tailored to accommodate his wings, tail, tentacles, and other appendages. He grabbed the two nearest super-youma around their necks with his tentacles and brought their heads forcefully together. Two super-youma skulls broke open with a sound like coconut shells being smashed.

This attracted the attention of the remaining super-youma who hurried over to deal with this new threat to their superiority.

Taro knocked out the first to arrive with his fist, then grabbed the next four with his tentacles and began to choke them. Other super-youma tried to rescue their companions, but were met with fists and feet. In two minutes the park was cleared of super-youma.

Tuxedo Kamen arrived on a roof overlooking the park and saw that he was too late to do any good. "Darn it, that kaijuu is cutting in on my tuxedo shtick." he muttered.

General DVD was hovering ten feet in the air to get a good view of the action. "How dare you interfere with my plans," she shouted, "Feel my wrath." She gathered energy to launch her own attack. A spray of black ink blinded her and spoiled her aim. A couple of kaijuu fists wrote 'finis' to the general, who died in a shower of sparkly digital bits.

Sailor Mercury recovered enough to get a computer reading on their rescuer. The other Senshi began to come to their senses.

Taro changed back to his human shape and began to leave.

"Did you see that? Another shape-changer," exclaimed Mars.

"And he's cute too," added Venus.

Tuxedo Kamen jumped down from the roof and helped dig Sailor Moon out of her hole. "Are you all right, Princess?" he asked.

Sailor Moon nodded weakly. "I'm okay, I think, but we blew it again."

Sailor Venus asked Sailor Mercury what her computer had to say about their savior.

"His name is Tuxedo Taro," replied Mercury, "He's associated with the Nerima martial artists, but he's not considered to be part of the Nerima Wrecking Crew. I detected multiple Jusenkyo curses, and an overlay of strong magic too. He has no Silver Millennium power or Negaverse energy."

"Nerima again?" said Mars. "One of these days we have to get over there and check them out."

"Yeah, I heard that most of the guys were really cute," added Venus. She did not really have a one-track mind, but sometimes it was hard to tell.

* * *

In her lair Sailor Pluto reached for another Excedrin. Things were definitely not going according to her plans, and the images in the Time Gate were getting fuzzy again.

* * *

In Asgard Kamisama was giggling with as much dignity as he could muster.

***

* * *

More author's responses to reviews:

Why are things moving so fast (all the problems resolved quickly)? Three reasons :

1) Ranma has only a limited time on Earth because of the Midgard Treaty. He has to wrap up all his loose ends in four or five weeks.

2) He specifically wished for the power to solve his problems quickly.

3) I didn't feel like writing a novel - this story runs to more than 100 pages already.

Why am I parodying Sailor Moon fanfiction? Having watched some Sailor Moon anime, I found it hard to take seriously. Their 'fighting' makes good theater, but lousy combat. The Senshi pause for pompous speeches, pose prettily, and have no sense of tactics and zero understanding of strategy. Ranma would laugh his/her butt off if he saw any--and in this story he gets a chance to do exactly that. Sailor Moon fanfiction is often even sillier than the anime, and I felt it deserved to be publicly mocked. Thoughtful rebuttals will be appreciated; flames go directly to the trash.

About gods and mortals: Fujishima's gods look and act (mostly) like mortals - enough so that one could imagine a mortal becoming a god. If it were otherwise, Oh! My Goddess would have a much smaller audience. However, a god cannot be a human with markings, magic, and immortality grafted on. You and I are not built to endure for a million years (and I wouldn't want to). Fujishima explained that goddesses have to recreate their three-dimensional forms hundreds of times per second - they are clearly not three-dimensional beings made of meat and bone. In this story I am trying to make the point that deities may look and act like people, but they are not humans, and their home, Asgard, is quite unlike the Earth.

Mike 


	6. 6r3 Betamax

Ranma's Ascension - Chapter 6  
By Mike Breslau

Disclaimer: Better folks than I own most of the characters that appear in this scribbling. The original characters (you'll know them when you meet them) in this work are mine, all mine! (But you can borrow them if you'll treat them kindly.)

Beware: I savagely skewer a government agency that richly deserves it!

Caution: This chapter was written by an Aeronautical Engineer.

* * *

(Flashback)

As the day's lesson was nearing its end, Sensei looked thoughtful. "You know, Ranma, we really have to do something about your fear of cats. You, of all people, shouldn't be afraid of anything."

Ranma looked apprehensive. "Yes, but what can be done? I've tried to cure myself of it, but I haven't had much luck."

"Well, normally I'd turn you over to one of our cat deities such as Bast. But, your fear is so deeply ingrained that you couldn't hold still long enough for them to try to cure you." Sensei chuckled. "So to save us both embarrassment, I'd like to do it myself. You're not afraid of me, are you?"

"No, of course not, but what can you do?"

"The title 'sensei' refers to both teachers and doctors. I'm qualified." Sensei smiled and exhibited a small yellow book with the title "Brain Surgery For Dummies." Sensei was its author.

Ranma groaned appreciatively. "I hope it doesn't take surgery to cure my ailurophobia."

"I'll be making some adjustments to your neural pathways and connections, but there'll be no blood, no scalpel. Trust me."

Ranma paused. "Okay. What are you going to do?"

"First we will record your brain's reaction to various threat stimuli. If there are pathways that are specific to felines, I'll reduce those pathway's sensitivity. Then we'll repeat with somewhat more threatening situations and make another adjustment. Eventually, you will be no more afraid of cats than any other person."

Ranma considered this. "Will I loose my nekoken abilities?"

"You tell me, Ranma. Those are your domain, not mine."

After a moment Ranma responded, "It'll be all right. If I need them, I can always reinvent them. Let's do it."

Sensei gestured. A line drawing of a horse appeared suspended in midair about twelve feet away. Beneath it a transparent, gelatinous-looking model of Ranma's brain appeared with certain neural pathways highlighted in blue. There followed drawings of a house, a garden hose, a peacock, and a puppy, each accompanied by an image of Ranma's brain with a display of activated neurons. Finally, a drawing of a kitten appeared. It caused Ranma to shudder, and lit up many more pathways that any of the previous images had. The kitten imaged faded away, much to Ranma's relief.

"Hmm," said Sensei. He gestured, and some of the blue lines in each brain model turned green. "These are common to all the images, so we can ignore them." A cluster of blue lines in the kitten-response model turned orange. "These seem to be connected to your fear reaction." Another group of blue lines turned red. "Those connect to your memory of the cat-fist training." Sensei gestured again, and a few of the remaining blue lines in the last brain model started to blink. "If I make these few connecting paths a little less sensitive, then your fear will still exist, but it will be harder to evoke. If I weaken this synapse here, then both of these paths will be less sensitive. Your memory of the training will remain, but it won't be an automatic association the way it is now."

"Okay, go ahead," said Ranma.

Sensei nodded. A minute later a full-color painting of a horse appeared ten feet away, followed by painting versions of the other images. The corresponding brain models showed slightly more activation than before, except for the kitten painting which still produced a strong reaction. Ranma was sweating, but he was not shaking in fear any more.

Sensei examined this last model. "Your fear reaction is reduced, but there are some new associations that I don't understand." Some of the blue lines turned pink. "These are a maternal reaction, as if you were the mother of the kitten. That makes no sense..." A cluster of blue lines that we not present in any other model turned yellow. "These paths are entirely unexpected. I will need a stronger stimulus to see what these develop into..."

Ranma blanched at the mention of 'stronger stimulus' but he recovered quickly. "Go ahead, Sensei. I really want to be free of my fear."

A lifelike three-dimensional model of each stimulus image appeared, each with its own brain-chart. Ranma looked distinctly uncomfortable.

Sensei waved his hand and all the images disappeared except the last brain activation model. All of the lines that could not be expained now glowed brightly. "This looks vaguely familiar," muttered Sensei.

After a moment Sensei snapped his fingers and a new brain model appeared. It was about the size of a walnut and had a complex network of paths highlighted. "This is a common house cat in feral hunting mode," Sensei explained. "Now watch." The model of Ranma's brain shrank until it looked like it did at seven years old, while the cat brain image grew and morphed until it was the size and shape of the model of Ranma's child brain.

"Well, look at that," observed Ranma, "They're similar but not identical. Do I have a cat brain in my brain?"

Sensei replied, "No, that's a child's impression of a cat brain. It's oversimplified and cartoonish, but it clearly was intended to model a feline brain."

"What can we do about it?"

Sensei pondered a moment. "I could remove it entirely, or I could correct it - remove its flaws and add the missing details. Then you'd contain a healthy cat personality - you could go cat the way you now go girl but remain sane."

Ranma was excited. "I'd have the cat under my conscious control? Go for it!"

* * *

Ranma and Akane were discussing their future plans in the living room of the Tendo home .

Akane asked, "Ranma, where will we live after we're married?"

"Well, let's see. Deities are discouraged from hanging around on the mortal plane. We have a treaty with the demons--they'll stay away from Midgard if we deities stay away. That's why we've had a spate of demon attacks--my presence here gives them permission to visit Earth and try to spoil my fun."

"I guess we'll have to live in Heaven then. That would be a long commute," responded Akane.

"We can't live in Asgard--mortals are allowed to visit there on rare occasions, but they're not welcome to stay. Besides, it would probably drive you crazy after a while."

"Really? What is Asgard like?"

"I can't describe it accurately, but I'll try. Imagine M. C. Escher, high on LSD, trying to draw the Parthenon."

"Oh my gosh, what an image..."

"It's actually much weirder than that," Ranma continued. "Asgard is nothing like Earth. Gods can fly and teleport easily, so their environment has to be different from conditions here. Imagine a place where many rooms have no doors or windows, where 'up' and 'down' are local conventions and vary from place to place--and 'up' and 'down' are not always opposites. They rearrange places as needs change, so nothing has a fixed location or a constant size. On days when mortals are allowed to visit, we have to flatten it out so that it looks three-dimensional."

Akane looked concerned. "This is so complicated. Where can we live?"

Ranma wore his I've-got-a-secret look. "I'm building a cottage that's near every place on Earth or in Heaven. Would you like to see it?"

Akane laughed. "You're amazing, Ranma. Of course, I'd like to see it. Where is it?"

"Just reach into hammerspace and feel around for a doorknob."

"Hammerspace?"

"That's where you store your mallet when it's not in use. Grab the doorknob instead of the hammer handle and pull."

Akane reached out and the end of her hand seemed to vanish. After a second she said, "Oh, here it is." With that Akane disappeared from the Tendo's home.

Akane found herself standing in a room about 20 feet square. The walls and ceiling could have been made of white marble if the marble was translucent and luminous. The floor looked like chocolate-brown felt, but it was soft and warm to the touch. A door was behind her flanked by two picture windows. Doorways in the other walls lead to other rooms of the cottage. She glanced out the window and gasped. The left window had a splendid view of the rings of Saturn--from below! The stars glittered with diamond-like brilliance in a navy blue sky above the sparkling arcs. The other window looked out onto an Arctic night with a fine view of the Aurora Borealis. These were not mere paintings; Akane could see three-dimensional depth and movement in them.

Ranma appeared behind her, looking smug. "Do you like it?"

Akane took a moment to find her voice. "It's incredible!"

Ranma explained. "Almost everything is controlled by voice commands. You say 'window, display the polar cap of Mars' or 'door, take me to Furinkan High School' or 'lights, dim' and it happens. To make the windows larger or smaller you just press your finger on one of its corners and drag the corner to its new location. There's a lavatory with a large furo over there," Ranma pointed, "the bedroom is over there, and the kitchen is over there. There's another lavatory with a lava Jacuzzi off the bedroom."

"A lava Jacuzzi?" asked Akane in astonishment, "You mean molten rock?"

"Oh yes, it's more refreshing than a water furo. They're quite popular in Asgard. I'm not sure what else I'll add--perhaps a dojo or a home theater."

Akane laughed. "Why would we need a home theater when we have windows like these?" She wandered from room to room, exploring and exclaiming over the wonders she discovered. Finally, she hugged and kissed Ranma, and said, "I can see there are advantages to marrying a god."

Ranma was very pleased at her reaction. "I'm glad you like it. It's still unfinished--I'll do the rest after I get your suggestions."

Akane said, "You said its 'near every place on Earth or in Heaven'--what does that mean? Were you referring to the magical door?"

"When you're outside the cottage you just reach into hammerspace from wherever you happen to be, pull the knob, and then you're home. From the inside you tell the door where you want to go and pull the knob, and you're there. You can get from Tokyo to Paris in a few seconds, if that's what you want to do. I couldn't have done this without you, Akane."

Akane was surprised. "Why is that? I can't do any of the amazing things you can do?"

"How many people do you know who are so adept at reaching into hammerspace?"

"Mousse perhaps, with his hidden weapons technique. I can't think of any others."

Ranma nodded.

Akane kissed him again.

* * *

The oni reluctantly reported the failure of his recruiting mission to Hild. "My liege, the candidate has refused our offer."

Hild was not pleased. "Happosai was practically a demon already--how could he refuse?"

"We offered him power and immortality, and license to do as he pleased. He said that he had lived long enough already, and had more power and freedom than he knew what to do with."

"That was unexpected. What went wrong?"

"It seems the new goddess got to him first. Happosai actually _likes_ being virtuous and helping people." The very notion was making the oni queasy.

"What did she do? A compulsion, a geas, or mind control?"

The oni shook his head. "No compulsions. In fact, Happosai is even shielded against mind control. I couldn't take him over or possess him. Ranma is subtle and devious--he made it rewarding for the old pervert to be nice to people. Now he claims he prefers being good, and regrets his former lifestyle."

Hild was annoyed. "I guess we'll have to try someone else. Do you have another candidate?"

"No, my liege."

Hild produced a datapad and showed the file therein to the oni. "What about this one?"

The oni read for a minute, and looked pleased. "This guy in the White House? I think he'll do nicely."

"See to it that he does," commanded Hild.

* * *

Ranma and Akane were walking to school in the morning--but it was not business as usual. Akane was walking on the top of the fence to improve her balance. Ranma was walking alongside her, treading comfortably on five feet of undisturbed air, and casually holding her hand. A few onlookers gawked briefly at the sight and then shrugged. Ranma had been doing the impossible for years, and unusual was his middle name.

"I suppose this is a silly question," Akane began, "but how much does a god get paid?"

"That's a Nabiki question," Ranma answered, "but I'll tell you anyway. The pay is zero, zip, nada. On the positive side, we pay no taxes and the fringe benefits are marvelous."

She nodded. "So there's no economy or finances in Heaven?"

"We do have an economy of sorts--we trade favors. Every deity knows who owes him one, and whom he owes a favor to. If it takes a century to collect, that's okay--we're a patient lot. There are no deadbeats in Asgard."

"I can see that there's a lot of stuff I'll have to adjust to. Was it hard for you to get used to it?"

"It was at first, but I've had three hundred years to adapt."

Akane stopped and almost lost her balance. "What?"

"Watch it, Akane. Didn't I tell you? My wish included 'wisdom,' so they had to give me more education than the average deity gets. Even with magic and telepathy it takes a while to absorb all that."

Akane resumed walking. "But you were only gone for a minute."

"Skuld is a master of time manipulation," explained Ranma. "She's one of the three Norns. Urd is the Goddess of the Past, Belldandy is the Goddess of the Present, and Skuld is the Goddess of the Future. Between the three of them they have complete control over time."

"Oh. That makes sense." A minute later Akane diffidently asked, "Ranma, do you think you could arrange for me to meet my mother? There's so much I want to tell her."

"Even if I could do that, I don't think it's a good idea. If she has reincarnated she wouldn't know you and you wouldn't recognize her. If she's still in the afterlife then you'd have to be temporarily dead to visit her. Akane, you were temporarily dead at Jusendo, and I still cringe at the memory! Once was quite enough. Besides, the past is the past. We all have to learn to let go."

"You're right, I suppose," Akane replied wistfully, "I shouldn't impose my selfish desires on my divine husband, it wouldn't be fair. But life is so hard sometimes."

"It is," Ranma agreed, "Even I can't always get everything I want. But look on the bright side--how dull life would be if you always got everything you wanted."

They had reached the end of the fence. Akane jumped down and landed lightly. Ranma gave her an approving look.

As they approached the gates of Furinkan, they saw Tatewaki flanked by a few of his Kendo club cohorts. "Here they come," said one.

Kuno shouted, "Now!" and the club members flung handfuls of fine white powder at Ranma and Akane.

"Can you see them now?" asked a club member. Tatewaki shook his head.

Akane coughed. Ranma made a quick gesture and all the powder jumped off whatever surface it had landed on and stuck to Kuno. "Are you trying to get uninvited to our wedding, Sempai?" Ranma asked with heavy sarcasm on the last word.

Kuno could hear their voices, but he couldn't see Ranma or Akane, even when they were coated with powder. Spitting out the powder, he declaimed, "Nay, I forbid it! This travesty of a marriage must never take place." He didn't notice Ranma and Akane walking through him with fingers in their ears.

* * *

A distraught Queen Betamax stood in front of her misshapen throne and stared at the one remaining general. She felt like saying "Help me, Obi-Wan, you're my only hope!" but George Lucas held a copyright on that line. Now she was left with only the general she distrusted most.

It would be easy to underestimate General Nuisance because he was a pudgy ten-year-old pimply boy with thick-rimmed eyeglasses and a high-pitched, whiney voice. However, that would be a mistake. General Nuisance was brilliant, creative, devious, amoral, and very persistent. This made him ideal for the Queen's purposes whether she knew it or not.

"Do you think you can succeed where the others have failed? There may be another unexpected superhero waiting out there," asked the queen.

General Nuisance answered confidently. "The others failed because they relied on the strength of their soldiers. My minions are not strong, or fast, or smart. They're far beyond the reach of physical force or magic. They're more formidable than any youmas. No power on Earth can affect them."

Queen Betamax was intrigued, despite her reservations. "Indeed? What makes your army so special?"

"They embody the greatest tragedy that has ever befallen the human race. My FEMAs wield the invincible power of bureaucracy!" replied the general proudly.

Queen Betamax considered this for a minute. Her mood brightened considerably, and she treated the poor general to Evil Villain Laugh number eight. "That's wonderful. You may begin whenever you want, but do not fail me."

* * *

Ranma walked into Ucchan's before the dinner rush began.

Ukyo already had the griddle hot, she had sensed his approach. "The usual, Ranchan?"

Ranma still didn't like sponging off Ukyo, but he had grown resigned to it as the lesser of two evils. Still, okonomiyaki was a more acceptable sacrifice to the gods than some of the other things mortals offered up. "Sure, Ukyo, and thanks. How are things?"

"Same old same old. Business has been good, but life just hasn't had the same zing since..." She trailed off and fussed with the "Japanese pizza" for a minute. "That blonde Cuban guy who came by had some good vibrations, but we just couldn't get over the language barrier."

"We haven't sent any Cubans to you, Ucchan. Sometimes life's randomness happens all on its own."

Ukyo slid the okonomiyaki onto a plate and placed it before him. "Yeah, but somehow it always seems more random whenever you're around." She smiled wistfully.

Ranma began to eat and made approving noises. "I haven't had any okonomiyaki this good in Heaven." He concentrated on eating, although without his former rapid pace.

"What's it like, Ranchan? Being a deity, I mean. How is it different from being like us?"

Ranma finished eating and looked up. "Do you remember the six-year-old little girl I met a dozen years ago? How is today's adult different from that young girl?"

"Um, let me see. I'm bigger and stronger, obviously, and a lot more experienced. I can bear children now, and I couldn't then. I'm still cute, but in a different way. I have feelings and urges and worries that children don't have..."

"But you still think of yourself as being the same person, right?"

"Yes, of course. Now that you mention it, it does seem sort of silly..."

"Well, ascension is like growing up, only a lot more so. My senses are sharper, my reflexes are quicker, I have more ki and, of course, much more mana. Just as you can't explain to a child what it's like being a grownup, I can't really explain to you what the differences are."

Ukyo looked at him carefully. "You certainly are more mature and more civilized. You're obviously stronger, and somewhat cuter too, but you don't look any bigger to me."

"That's because you can only see a three-dimensional part of me," Ranma answered quietly.

"Oh," said Ukyo, and then as the implications sank in she added, "Oh my!"

"Don't tell," said Ranma while casting a discretion spell, "it's supposed to be a secret."

"So why did you tell me?"

"I can't lie, and you are my best friend. Speaking of which, I have a little gift for my best friend." He produced a small, flat box and placed it on the counter.

Ukyo lifted the lid and revealed a golden spatula-shaped pin about four inches long. Her smile was radiant. "It's lovely, Ranma. Thank you."

"Thank you for being my friend, Ucchan. And here is your invitation to our wedding."

Ukyo bravely attempted to smile.

* * *

Five FEMAs appeared in in Azabu Juuban, each in the center of a major traffic intersection. This caused instant gridlock; something at which FEMAs are very proficient. Each FEMA was eighteen feet tall, with a brown thirteen-inch thick rulebook for a head and a body composed of forms to be filled out in quadruplicate. They moved slowly, or not at all.

A policeman tried to move a FEMA out of the middle of the road. When he was studiously ignored, he began beating it with his baton. That was a mistake. The policeman was sucked into the body of the bureaucracy and emerged a minute later wrapped in paperwork that clung like flypaper.

The yelling and honking drew the attention of the Sailor Senshi, who quickly gathered on a rooftop overlooking one of the affected intersections.

"What are we going to do?" asked Sailor Venus.

Mercury consulted her computer." They're pretty formidable monsters, if we split up to attack them all at once we won't have a chance."

"We'll attack them one at a time," declared Sailor Moon. "If the others come to the aid of their fellows, at least they'll be out of the intersections that they're blocking."

"Sounds like a plan," Sailor Jupiter said. "Let's go." The Senshi jumped down from the roof onto the street.

Sailor Moon raised her arm and declaimed, "Inconveniencing the populace and ignoring the orders of a policeman is intolerable. In the name of the Moon, I will punish you!"

True to its nature, the FEMA totally ignored her.

Sailor Mars thought that a beast made of paper should be vulnerable to a fire attack. "Fire Soul!" The monster did burn briefly, but the ashes flew over and stuck to Sailor Mars. Fresh forms replaced those that had burnt, and the FEMA was unharmed.

Sailor Jupiter launched her attack. "Jupiter Lightning!" This attack did no harm, but it was spectacular enough to get the FEMA's attention. In short order Sailor Jupiter was immobilized, wrapped in yard after yard of red tape.

Sailor Mercury looked up from where she was helping to get the ashes off Sailor Mars. She stood up and fired off her signature attack. "Shabon Spray!" The FEMA, finally moved to action, produced a house trailer and threw it at Sailor Mercury. Fortunately, her protective magic shielded her from serious harm.

Sailor Venus tried her Love-Me Chain. The FEMA seemed to shrug, then it retaliated. Venus was pinned to the ground by large staples through the hem of her fuku's short skirt.

Sailor Moon thought this might be a good time for her finishing move. "Moon Tiara Action!" The FEMA absorbed the thrown headpiece and made no move to return it. Sailor Moon had a temper tantrum. "Give me back my tiara," she screamed, stamping her foot. A moment later Sailor Moon was wrapped in multiple giant rubber bands and effectively immobilized. Adding insult to injury, the FEMA produced a rubber stamp and stamped "Rejected" on any part of the hapless Senshi that wasn't covered in elastic. Sailor Moon was mortified.

Just as things were looking black for the Senshi, a new voice was heard crying: "Where on Earth am I now?" Ryoga Hibiki was just as surprised as the Senshi were by his sudden appearance. He looked around and quickly sized up the situation. "Good Grief!" he exclaimed in his best Charlie Brown imitation. He shifted to his hybrid form and removed the rubber bands from Sailor Moon. "Okay, what did I miss?" he asked. She gave him a quick synopsis of the action thus far.

Ryoga attacked the FEMA with Amiguriken speed, throwing handfuls of forms in all directions. The flying paperwork looked like a snowstorm of huge flat flakes. The thrown papers returned to the body of the FEMA, regenerating it. In frustration Ryoga pushed his way inside the FEMA, hoping to attack it from within. Muffled sounds of thrashing and cursing were heard for a minute and then Ryoga suddenly appeared a few yards away from the monster. "It's bigger inside than it is on the outside," he shouted, "There's a labyrinth in there--a maze of twisty little passages all alike!"

Ryoga retreated from the still-immobile FEMA and helped to free the Senshi from their remaining bonds. Ki-enhanced fingernails made short work of the staples holding Sailor Venus down. He examined the red tape that had bound Sailor Jupiter and judged it to be unsuitable for attacking the FEMA. Finally, he asked Sailor Mars how long she could keep up her fire-based attacks.

"As long as I have to," replied Mars with a determined expression, "Whatever it takes!"

"Okay," Ryoga said, "I'll toss the papers in the air and you torch them before it can regenerate."

"I can't do that," Sailor Mars replied, "You'll be caught in the flame too."

Ryoga chuckled. "Don't worry about me, I can shrug off anything that doesn't destroy all of Tokyo."

"If you say so," said Mars, sounding skeptical.

Ryoga rushed at the FEMA and began tearing up the paperwork and throwing the bits high in the air. Sailor Mars reduced the flying scraps to ash. Sailor Mercury used streams of cold water to sweep away the ash and to prevent the fire from spreading needlessly. As he'd predicted, Ryoga was unaffected by the Senshi's attacks. The monster began to gradually shrink in size.

The FEMA began citing rules and regulations, and pointing out that what Ryoga and the Senshi were doing was unauthorized and could not be permitted. The others ignored the helpless monster, turning the tables on it. Eventually, the FEMA was reduced to a soggy black mass of sludge.

"I don't think we've been properly introduced," said Ryoga. "I'm Ryoga Hibiki, and you are?"

"We are the pretty sailor-suited warriors of Love and Justice," replied Sailor Moon, with less than her customary enthusiasm. "I'm Sailor Moon."

"Sailor Mercury."  
"Sailor Venus."  
"Sailor Mars."  
"Sailor Jupiter."

"Let me guess," said Sailor Mercury while working her computer, "You're a martial artist from Nerima?"

Ryoga laughed. "I am a martial artist, but it would be better to say I'm from anywhere and everywhere. You name it, I've been there."

"The computer says his Shrodinger waveform is completely delocalized," Mercury exclaimed in surprise.

"What does _that_ mean?" asked Jupiter.

"It means he's equally likely to be anywhere in the world--or even beyond!"

Several Senshi chorused, "Wow..."

"C'mon guys, we've got more monsters to fight," said Sailor Moon. They hurried to the next blocked intersection. Ryoga tore into the semi-sentient pile of paperwork with undiminished energy. Once again Sailor Mars reduced the flying bits of paper to ash and Sailor Mercury hosed down the ashes with streams of cold water.

Jupiter observed, "He's like a paper shredder on steroids."

As time passed the piles of soggy ash grew large enough that they became a problem in their own right, and the FEMA was undiminished. Its capacity to regenerate was obviously greater than the earlier monster's ability. Sailor Moon called a halt. "This isn't working, guys."

Jupiter backed up to what she hoped was a safe distance and threw lightning bolts at the brown head of the FEMA. The rulebook exploded spectacularly, but the creature was unfazed and simply grew a new head. Moved to action, the FEMA materialized a house trailer in its right hand and threw it at the Senshi. They were expecting this response so they dodged successfully. The left hand of the FEMA, which by design didn't know what the right hand was doing, materialized a tractor-trailer full of ice and tried to throw it at Sailor Jupiter. True to the nature of the FEMA, the 18-wheeler went astray and demolished a storefront instead of hitting the Sailor Scout.

Ryoga manifested a ten-foot-long chainsaw blade of green ki. "Let's see how this works." He began to carve the paper monstrosity into foot-thick wedges. The Senshi managed to destroy the wedges before they could reassemble themselves. In short order the FEMA was reduced to a pile of pulp fiction.

A weak cheer went up from the Senshi.

"Two down, three more to go." said Sailor Venus. The group hurried to the next monster-infested intersection.

The third FEMA looked slightly different from the earlier two--the edges of the paper forms were not moving in the breeze but remained rigidly fixed.

The Senshi decided to begin with ranged attacks launched from a safe distance. Fire and ice were launched simultaneously at opposite sides of the creature. A moment later lightning from above was added to the mix. Nothing happened.

Sailor Moon ordered Mars, Mercury, and Jupiter to stand down. "This isn't working, guys."

Sailor Venus had withheld her chain from the combined attack--a wet chain and Jupiter's lightning could be a hazardous combination. She struck now. Her "love me" chain wrapped around the FEMA. A minute later Venus withdrew her chain. "It's as if I'd lassoed the Rock of Gibraltar--I can't affect it at all."

Sailor Moon threw her tiara at the FEMA. It bounced off with a clank, as if it had hit a statue. "That's never happened before," she complained.

"It's completely rigid," said Sailor Mercury, looking at her computer's display. "I bet it can't even move!"

Ryoga approached the FEMA and poked at it experimentally. "It's solid as a rock." He gave a nasty-looking fanged grin. "I can deal with that! Stand back, girls." As soon as the Senshi had withdrawn, he shouted, "BAKUSAI TENKESTU!" and hit the FEMA at a critical point. The intersection was showered with flying fragments of the once-formidable FEMA.

"Sugoi!" exclaimed Sailor Mars.

"That was incredible," added Sailor Venus.

Sailor Moon took charge. "We've still got two more to get rid of. Let's go." The intrepid band of heros hurried to the next intersection.

"What's that smell?" asked Sailor Jupiter as they neared the forth FEMA.

"Smells like rubber cement," answered Sailor Mercury. She consulted her computer. "It says this one is glued together with a rubbery adhesive, but it's not ordinary rubber cement."

Ryoga groaned. "I can't use Bakusai Tenkestsu on anything that's not rigid, and it's going to be a pain dismantling it if it's glued together."

"We're in trouble," concluded Sailor Mercury. "Every time we destroy one, the others adapt to resist our techniques. If this keeps up we'll eventually run into one that we can't get rid of."

Sailor Mars said, "If it's rubber cement, it should burn nicely. Fire Soul!" Her flames burned brightly for a moment as they consumed the fumes, but the FEMA was unaffected. "At least the smell is gone," she finished.

Ryoga approached the obnoxious pile of paperwork and poked it experimentally. "Ouch!" He pulled his hand back and looked at the numerous paper cuts he had received. "They've sharpened the edges, so it's not safe to touch it," he said. Ryoga focused his ki on his hand and the cuts healed quickly.

Sailor Moon summarized their situation. "It can withstand every technique we've used before, and we can't even touch it safely. What do we do now?" Her shoulders slumped.

Ryoga became the focus of attention. "Why is everyone looking at me?"

"Because you're a martial artist and our saviour-du-jour," explained Sailor Jupiter.

"And you're cute too," added Sailor Venus brightly.

Ryoga glared at Venus. He examined their surroundings. Cars had crowded into the intersection on three sides, but on the fourth side there was only one car close to the FEMA. He easily picked up that car and moved it onto the sidewalk.

"Remind me never to pick a fight with this guy," murmured Sailor Jupiter.

"Stand back and cover your ears," Ryoga advised. He moved to one end of the clear space around the bureaucratic obstacle and tested his traction against the ground. Accelerating quickly, Ryoga ran in a spiral arc clockwise around the FEMA. His speed along the ground was faster than Mach five. The radial component of his velocity was exactly Mach one, inward towards the monster. The shock wave formed on his left side spiraled away into the distance. In contrast, the shock wave on his right side formed a vertical cylinder whose axis was located at the surface of the FEMA. When he ran out of space, Ryoga reversed direction, and ran in a counterclockwise arc around and towards the monster. This time the shock wave on his right spiraled away, and the shock wave on his left side coincided with, and reinforced, the cylindrical shock already heading toward the FEMA. He managed three more supersonic arcs before he ran out of room to run. This had taken an extremely short amount of time (how quickly can a sound wave travel fourteen feet?) Ryoga backed away, raised both arms, and shouted, "Sonic Sledgehammer!"

The cylindrical shock wave sped towards the monster, becoming smaller and more concentrated as it went. As it collapsed into a vertical line at its axis all its energy was concentrated into a zone of extremely high pressure. The FEMA was blown apart into a myriad fragments, as if Ryoga had set off a charge of high explosives.

The Senshi gaped in astonishment--it had all happened so quickly that it looked instantaneous.

"That was incredible. What did you do?" asked Sailor Mars.

Sailor Mercury consulted her computer. "He was running at supersonic speed to generate a sharply focused shock wave. It worked just like military armor-piercing ordinance--they use a shaped charge to concentrate all the energy into a very small space of extreme pressure. That's an impressive technique."

The Senshi rushed to congratulate Ryoga.

Ryoga grinned evilly and remarked, "I have a smaller version of that technique--I wave my arm to generate a pinpoint of high pressure--that I call my 'Sonic Screwdriver.'"

Sailor Moon wondered how anyone would be able to surpass this feat. "Come on guys, we still have one left."

With mounting apprehension, our heroes ran to the site of the remaining FEMA.

The last FEMA, 20% larger than the others, had a glossy, off-white appearance. It seemed to be watching them with an air of distain, as if confident that no power on Earth could affect it.

Sailor Mercury examined it with her computer. She shook her head. "I don't think anything short of a tactical nuke will take out this one." The other Senshi looked despondent.

Ryoga looked around the intersection. Only two cars were close to the monster; he had no trouble moving these onto the sidewalk, thus clearing a space all around the base of the FEMA. He asked Sailor Mars, "How good is your control of heat? Can you warm this thing up without melting or burning it?"

Mars pondered the question for a moment. "I've never tried, but I think I can. It might take a while to heat up something this large."

Sailor Moon looked hopeful. "You're up to something, aren't you?"

Ryoga grinned. "A friend taught me this maneuver. Everyone stand back and guide Sailor Mars so that she's always on the opposite side of the monster from me. When you hear me shout, Venus, grab Mars with your chain and keep her from blowing away."

"Keep her from blowing away? What are you going to do?" asked Sailor Venus.

Ryoga whistled two bars of "Stormy Weather" He answered, "You'll see. Mars, start heating."

Sailor Mars and Ryoga slowly circled the FEMA three times. Nothing much seemed to be happening, except that the intersection was growing warmer. Ryoga began to speed up slightly and his circles grew smaller. When Sailor Mars was in range of Sailor Venus, he shouted "Now!" and then he backed away and threw his fist in the air. "Hiryuu Shouten Ha!"

The FEMA was surrounded by an intense, if localized, whirlwind. To everyone's surprise, The FEMA blew apart into a myriad of fragments.

Everyone knows that a FEMA comes apart at the seams when faced with a hurricane.

General Nuisance was so incensed at this final defeat of his plans that he dropped his cloaking spell. "You haven't heard the last of me," he yelled, "I'll be back with bigger and better FEMAs that none of your tricks can defeat!"

Ryoga had rarely been depressed since his first encounter with Ranko the goddess, but this seemed to be a good time for a real downer. He pointed his finger at the obnoxious General and shouted, "Shishi Hokodan!" The green blast of ki tore through Nuisance's shields, which were only designed to resist magical and physical attacks, and the last General was no more.

Sailor Moon rushed over to Ryoga to congratulate him. "That was awesome!" In a pleading tone, she continued, "Can you teach us martial arts? Please?"

The other Senshi joined in the pleading, "Yes, we want to learn martial arts too."

Ryoga Hibiki can withstand many things, but a bunch of wide-eyed pretty girls begging him for a favor is definitely not one of them. He held up his hands in defeat. "Okay, okay. I've never taught anyone before, but I'm willing to give it a go."

"It'll have to be after school, of course," offered Sailor Venus.

"Do you know where the Hayakawa Shrine in Azabu Juuban is?" asked Sailor Mars.

Ryoga answered, "I've been there... Is four o'clock okay?"

"Yes," chorused the girls happily.

"I'll see you there," replied Ryoga. He transformed back into his fully human form, took two steps, and disappeared.

* * *

(flashback) Ranma was a fast learner, but nobody - god or mortal - can learn new things 24/7 without taking a break. You need some time to organize and assimilate the new knowledge and make it your own.

Mortals do this while asleep, particularly in the REM phase. Ranma had no need to sleep; his preferred downtime was performing katas. He was currently reviewing the katas his father had taught him. With his newly improved senses he could tell that he needed to brush up on his technique - why that last motion had been almost a full millimeter off. That was acceptable to a mortal, but Ranma would never settle for anything less than his best. It was time to correct and improve his forms. He lost himself in the perfection of his motions.

Hermes was passing by as he was returning from his weekly card game with Heimdall and his friends. He noticed Ranma performing in a public plaza, moving with inhuman grace and speed. A few spectators were watching, being careful to give the martial artist plenty of room to move about in. "Oh wow! Terpsichore has got to see this," he exclaimed, and hurried off. When he wants to, Hermes can move quite quickly...

Hermes returned soon with Terpsichore in his arms. She stared in astonishment at the scene in the plaza. "That's not a dance - no dancer should move that fast - but it's close," mused the muse aloud. She found herself moving towards the martial artist.

Ranma became aware of another person gracefully imitating his movements, and he slowed to a stop. After a few seconds (three whole katas worth) the stranger stopped, turned, and bowed towards him.

"I am Terpsichore, the muse of the dance," she said. "That was quite a performance you were putting on, I'm impressed."

"Ranma, the new God of Martial Arts," he introduced himself. "I don't dance; that was a martial art practice routine. Glad you liked it."

"You don't dance?" she asked, eyebrow raised. "Would you like to learn? It shouldn't take more than a few minutes, judging by what I've seen so far."

"Only if you want to learn to do katas," he replied with a smile. Ranma often has a one-track mind.

"He's real cute when he smiles," Terpsichore thought. She answered, "So you want to trade? That sounds fair enough."

Ranma performed the first kata of his school at a more normal speed. Terpsichore repeated what he had done, making it look even more graceful.

"You made some slight changes to make it look good," observed Ranma. "I might even adopt them myself."

* * *

Sailor Pluto sat in her sanctuary before the Time Gate and seethed. "Someone is making the Senshi look ridiculous! When I get my hands on them, I'll..." She suddenly sensed that she was no longer alone--someone quite powerful was behind her.

"Don't blame me," said a woman's voice. "Queen Betamax's forces were specially designed to defeat the Senshi. My clients saved the Sailor's butts."

Pluto whirled around, astonished. "Who are you?"

Ranko handed Pluto a transparent calling card. Pluto read aloud, "'Ranko, Goddess of Transformations.' Yeah, right!"

"Turn it over," Ranko urged.

Pluto read the other side of the card. "'Ranma, God of Martial Arts.'" She snorted. "That's absurd. You can't be a god and a goddess..." She hadn't noticed that the writing on the other side of the transparent card was not visible from this side.

With a flourish, Ranko became Ranma. "Most people can't, but I can. I wore my female aspect to put you at ease."

Pluto gaped in astonishment. "You're a boy and a girl?"

"Actually, I'm a boy _or_ a girl. There's usually only one of me." Ranma returned to being Ranko.

Sailor Pluto paused to consider this. "Okay, if you say so. How'd you get in here anyway? Even a goddess shouldn't be able to access my sanctuary..."

"My mentor, the Goddess of the Future, built the Time Gate." Ranko looked smug. Who was better qualified for the job than the mechanically-minded goddess of time?

Pluto was beginning to accept this odd situation. "So, what do you want?"

"I'd like to ask a few questions. If you answer them, I'll tell you the location of Queen Betamax's hideout."

Pluto considered this. It would be wise for the Senshi to remain on good terms with a deity who could remove or augment their ability to transform and fight. "Okay, if it's only a few questions."

"For what ends have you been working all these centuries? What are your objectives?"

"I must establish the reign of neo-Queen Serenity and ensure that Crystal Tokyo gets built." Pluto knew this by heart.

"What is Crystal Tokyo?"

"It's a beautiful palace--the seat of neo-Queen Serenity's government."

"And what will Serenity's reign be like?"

Pluto had stars in her eyes as she answered reverently, "It will be a thousand years of universal peace and happiness...There will be no war, no crime, no poverty."

Ranko nodded. "I see. How will this miraculous condition come about?"

Pluto didn't like where this was headed. "Queen Serenity will use her power to make everybody happy," she answered evasively.

Ranko probed relentlessly. "Just how will she use her power to make everybody happy?"

Sailor Pluto didn't want to answer, but Ranko's penetrating gaze left her no choice. "She will use her magical power to purge evil and wicked thoughts from the minds of mankind and compel everyone to be joyous and peaceful. Everyone will be happy! It will be wonderful!" Pluto sounded as if she was trying to convince herself of something she really didn't believe in. She tried desperately not to think of how many people would have to die so that paradise could be established.

"So she's going to use mind control to create paradise on Earth?"

"Yes, yes, damn you," shouted Pluto angrily, "but everybody will be happy. Can't you see that?" Tears formed in Pluto's eyes.

"You sound like you're not really happy to see everyone mentally enslaved," observed Ranko gently.

Pluto broke down sobbing. "I don't like the idea, but I have no choice. I'm under a compulsion from the original Queen Serenity. I'm a slave to her will."

There was no trace of condemnation in Ranko's voice. "So you're compelled to ensure that everybody else becomes subjected to neo-Queen Serenity's will."

Pluto was still sobbing. "Yes! I try hard not to think about it. I almost believed that it was for the best, that all mankind would benefit."

"Kamisama gave everyone free will. Do you really want to go against His desires?"

Pluto paled. "I don't want to go against Kamisama, but I have no choice."

Ranko's soft voice was almost loving as she asked, "Would you like me to remove your compulsion? I have no objection to Crystal Tokyo or neo-Queen Serenity's rule, but mental enslavement, the denial of free will, upsets me greatly."

Pluto looked up with hope in her eyes. "Can you really do that? I'd be so grateful..."

Ranko placed her hands on either side of Sailor Pluto's head. The Senshi of Time felt a subtle probing followed by the lifting of a burden she had carried for centuries.

Radiantly happy, Pluto said, "Oh thank you. How can I ever repay you?"

"Let all the Senshi act to bring credit upon themselves. When you look good, then I look good." Ranko beamed at her. "Oh yes, here is the address of Queen Betamax's hideout." She gave Pluto a folded slip of paper and then disappeared in a burst of golden light.

***

* * *

The fire was properly banked. A dozen chestnuts rested on the grate above the glowing coals. An expectant hush fell upon the onlookers.

Sailor Venus calmed her mind and quieted her body. 'This is it," she thought. She concentrated her attention on the task before her. She shouted (in English), "Cashew. Tension. I'm a Gherkin," and began to grab the chestnuts as quickly as she could.

"That's funny, you don't look like a pickle," Ryoga muttered. He didn't know whether to laugh or cry.

***

* * *

Authors note: "that man in the White House" may or may not be the President of the U.S. He could be an advisor or a power-behind-the-throne. The time frame of this story is unspecified, so it could be a past, present, or future occupant. This story need not take place in our universe. Use your own judgement on that.

Yes, Venus is the mistress of malapropisms, isn't she. She is fluent in English because of the time she spent as Sailor V.

Mike 


	7. 7r2 The End of The Beginning

Ranma's Ascension - Chapter 7  
By Mike Breslau

Disclaimer: Better folks than I own most of the characters that appear in this scribbling. The original characters (you'll know them when you meet them) in this work are mine, all mine! (But you can borrow them if you'll treat them kindly.)

Oh wow! My in-box runneth over. I'm getting 40 reviews per day. I'll try to answer as many as I can, but it could take some time.

* * *

Ranko appeared in the Nekohanten after the rush hour crowd had left.

Cologne smiled at her and said, "Welcome, Ranko-sama. It's always a pleasure to see you. Can I get you anything?"

"No honorifics, Elder. Yes, a cup of green tea would be nice."

The old woman fetched a cup of the requested beverage. "So, what are you here for?"

"Mostly, I just wanted to talk to you, Ku Lon. Of all my mortal friends, you are the one most able to understand what I'm feeling."

Cologne was warmed by the implied compliment. "Go on," she urged.

Ranko sipped her tea and put down her cup. "Kamisama was right--but then, He usually is. He offered to make me God of Transformations, but I insisted on being God of Martial Arts. We compromised, and I wound up with both domains. My experience shows that Transformations is a much more useful portfolio than Martial Arts." She giggled mirthlessly. "My earlier self would be horrified to hear me say that, but there aren't many problems that I can solve with my fists."

Cologne nodded in understanding. "We amazons know that, Ranko, though it isn't obvious to outsiders. We honor healers, lore keepers, and seers as well as warriors. No tribe can prosper by fighting alone."

Ranko took another sip of tea, then continued. "I think I may have been manipulated, Elder. I think Kamisama wanted me on his team, and he sent Skuld to grant my wish knowing what I would ask for. Well, he got His wish too."

Cologne raised an eyebrow. "Do you regret becoming a deity, Ranko?"

"Not at all, I'm delighted. But I asked for the power to solve all my problems quickly and easily--and now I have no real challenges, no obstacles to overcome. The old Ranma would go nuts if a day passed with no challenges. It's almost boring, Cologne."

Cologne understood. "Yes, boredom is always the bane of those with long lives. I wonder how Kamisama deals with it?"

Ranko giggled. "Perhaps by elevating a chaos-magnet to godhood?"

They both laughed briefly. Cologne noticed the time, and asked, "Are you cutting class today, Ranko?"

"No, I am in class right now--or rather, Ranma is in class."

"I see. Are you two separate people now?"

"No, I am one person with two aspects. Being in several places at once is one of the privileges of my station." Ranko finished her tea. "Oh, before I forget, here are your invitations to my wedding."

"Thank you, Ranko." Cologne really wanted to call her "Dear," but felt it wouldn't be proper.

* * *

It was lunch hour at school. Ranko and Akane were outside eating lunch beneath their favorite tree.

Ranko asked, "Now that you've got the hang of cooking, would you be interested in Martial Arts Swimming lessons?"

"Okay," answered Akane brightly. A sly smile grew on her face. "But after that I want Martial Arts Marital Arts lessons too."

Ranko looked at her fondly and began to answer, but never got a chance. A black hole appeared in the air beside her and a powerful force pulled Ranko into it. The hole vanished, leaving behind a faint smell of sulphur dioxide.

Akane jumped up in alarm--there was no mistaking the demonic aura coming from that portal. Ranma had been taken by a goddess and now Ranko had been kidnapped by a demonic force. She looked around searching for additional dangers but found none. "Oh Ranko, what have you gotten yourself into now?" Akane tried to calm herself and thought, "it's going to be all right. Ranma never loses and neither does Ranko."

* * *

Alarm bells sounded throughout the Yggdrasil complex--an outbreak of bugs required immediate attention. Deities quickly mobilized to combat the latest infestation.

"Where is Ranma now that we need him?" Urd asked while swinging her debugging tool. "His debugging skill would be very helpful right now."

Skuld did a quick locating spell. "He's not on Midgard or here in Asgard. It seems that the demons have kidnapped him." She swatted two more bugs.

"A curious coincidence? I think not," Freya speculated. "I bet the demons arranged for this bug outbreak so we couldn't mount a rescue attempt."

"I seriously doubt that Ranma will need rescuing," said Skuld, who remembered the terms of his wish. "They're going to be sorry..."

"Yes indeed, but right now we've got to clean up these bugs," concluded Urd. She swatted another bug.

* * *

Ranko found herself sitting on her rump in a large underground chamber. The floor beneath her was made of smooth basalt rock. Above her stretched a green hemispherical dome of energy, and beyond that rough-hewn walls of solid rock. The cave was dark, except for the flickering glow from the energy barrier. That didn't matter, Ranko didn't need light to see, she had other senses now. She quickly took stock of her situation. Ranko had been drained of all her mana, her link to Yggdrasil was broken, an energy barrier prevented her from gaining more mana, and she was surrounded by a crowd of powerful demons. This was going to be great fun!

Ranko stood and adopted a deceptively casual ready stance. "It would have been polite to send me an invitation first, you know."

"Demons don't need to be polite," growled one of the crowd.

"You should have stayed in Asgard, goddess. By lingering in the mortal plane you make it possible for us to do the same," explained another.

Ranko shrugged. "I had some business to finish, then I'll return to Asgard."

Hild, the evident leader of this group, stepped forward. "We understand that you're inexperienced in the ways of immortals, Ranko. We're here to teach you a lesson." Behind her the demons made threatening gestures.

"Oh thank you, thank you," replied Ranko sincerely.

Hild had not expected that reaction. "Why are you thanking us?"

"It's been a long time since I kicked any demonic butt," Ranko explained, "I was afraid my skills were getting rusty." She radiated confidence.

"You don't seem to appreciate the danger you're in," Hild said. "By cutting you off from mana and Yggdrasil we have circumvented the doublet system, and we can kill you with impunity."

Ranko retorted, "Doesn't that also mean I can kill you without penalty? You don't seem to appreciate the danger you're in."

Hild was incredulous at Ranko's attitude. "Don't you realize that we greatly outnumber you?"

"Do you remember that I killed an ill-mannered god and several demons while I was still a mortal? What makes you think I'm any less capable now?" Ranko performed a quick head count. "Besides, there are only 120 of you--the odds are in my favor." Ranko may have lost her mana, but she still had her ki. While the demons were expressing outrage at her effrontery, Ranko invoked the Umisenken and faded into invisibility.

Shocked, Hild cast a 'detect magic' spell and a 'see invisibles' spell. Neither spell did any good beause they were not designed to find ki signatures. The next four minutes were filled with cries of pain punctuated by occasional sonic booms as Ranko circled the room at sonic speeds, breaking limbs and wreaking havoc as she went. It seemed that demons had never encountered a high-level martial artist before.

When the rather one-sided mayhem was over Ranko came to a stop near the green energy barrier that surrounded them all. She dropped the Umisenken and dusted off her hands. She had managed to not kill any of the demons, but she had not shown them any mercy. Ranko's clothes were spotted with blood and ichor, none of it her own.

What did you expect? Ranma had wished for the power to solve all his problems swiftly and efficiently. The power of the wish-enforcing system was greater than that of any group of gods or demons.

Hild couldn't speak--someone's foot was jammed into her mouth--so she resorted to telepathy. "You could have killed us all, yet you went to the extra effort of keeping us all alive. Why?"

"I'm not sure a demon would appreciate the concept of 'mercy,'" Ranko replied, "Besides, I never kill anyone who could later become my friend."

Hild was astonished at this answer. She sent, "You think we can be redeemed?"

Ranko replied smugly, "I don't think so, I _know_ you can be redeemed."

Ranko extended a nekoken claw and carefully pierced the shimmering barrier, which burst like a soap bubble. Mana slowly flowed back into the goddess. She smiled and punched the rock that held up the dome. "BAKUSAI TENKESTU!" brought tons of shattered rock falling onto the miserable demons. Ranko waved goodbye and teleported back to where Akane was waiting.

The next day a stern directive was sent to every demon everywhere--whatever you do, do not mess with Ranma/Ranko or her friends!

* * *

Tatewaki and Kodachi were silently eating dinner in their mansion. They were seated at opposite ends of a long table, positioned so that they would not have to see each other. The siblings were bound by ties of kinship, but they didn't like each other; their seating arrangement reflected this tension.

Ranma appeared near Kodachi in flash of golden light, dressed in his divine garb with his aura unleashed. He hovered four inches above the floor.

Kodachi's expression of surprise quickly changed to one of sullenness. "So, Ranma-sama, you have finally deigned to reveal yourself to us. What took you so long?"

"I was waiting for your unhealthy obsession with me to subside. You have to adjust to living in a non-Ranma-centric world."

Kodachi sighed dramatically. "Alas, I have come to accept your rejection, though I don't see how you could spurn one such as myself." She thrust her chest out slightly.

Tatewaki interjected, "Are you going to release the pigtailed goddess now?"

Ranma smiled and said, "Certainly." He floated over to Tatewaki and extended his arms towards him. "Hold my wrists tightly, if you would be so kind." Kuno looked puzzled, but he complied. Ranma shifted into the divine form of Ranko and remained floating.

Tatewaki was visibly upset. "So the rumors are true - the light of my life is an alternate form of the demon Ranma. Which is your real form?"

"Both male and female versions are equally real now, though I was born a boy. And for your information, I am a kami, not a demon."

"Surely a kami did not come into mine abode to mock me. What is your purpose for being here?"

Ranko produced two envelopes. "I came to give you both invitations to my wedding to Akane Tendo as a sign that all is forgiven. Remember that no disruptions will be permitted. You are free not to come if you feel it would cause you distress."

"With one meeting you have dashed all my hopes," said Kuno despondently. "I must think upon this."

"Akane and I hold no ill will towards the house of Kuno. See you later," concluded Ranko. She vanished in another burst of golden light.

* * *

Ranko wanted to teach Akane how to roof hop. The problem was that roof hopping is impossible if you have to think about it. You have to jump with your heart, not with your legs. Akane had to be fooled into jumping without realizing what she was actually doing. The old Ranma would have taunted her into a rage and then run away so that she would have to follow him. The divine Ranko knew better, and she was trying to wean Akane away from using anger as her only emotional outlet. The two of them were standing on the lawn between the house and the dojo.

Ranko smiled and said, "Today our lesson plan is a little different from usual. Instead of doing katas or sparing, we'll play tag. "

Akane was nonplused. "Play what?"

"I'll run away, and you'll chase me. If you can tag me then our roles will be reversed, and I'll chase you. Simple enough."

"Are you getting tired of being a goddess and trying to become an oni?" Akane was amused. (The game of tag is the favorite sport of onis.)

Ranko shrugged and in a flash replaced her clothes with a tiger-striped bikini. She struck a pose. "How do I look?"

Akane giggled. "You'd look better with horns..."

"Enough banter. Let's go!" Ranko ran around the corner of the house and Akane ran after her. Ranko was careful not to go faster than Akane could go, but she stayed just out of reach. Ranko jumped over the laundry hamper that was lying on the ground, and Akane did likewise, giggling. This was going to be fun!

Ranko ran out the gate onto the street with Akane close behind. Ranko put her hands on top of a fire hydrant and straddled it with her legs on either side, then kept going. Akane followed. Ranko ran a little further and jumped on top of a garbage can, using it as a stepping stone as she lept onto the top of a fence. Akane did also. They ran the length of the fence and jumped down to the ground.

Ranko reached her left hand out and grabbed a utility pole, swinging around it to reverse direction. Akane did too. Ranko jumped back onto the top of the fence. Akane did the same, without realizing that this was higher than she could normally jump. Ranko followed the fence around a corner then lept to the roof of the adjacent garage, with Akane in hot pursuit. They ran around the top of the garage, then jumped back onto the top of the fence, and then down to the ground. Ranko allowed Akane to tag her without being too obvious about it.

Akane laughed. She ran to the edge of the street and jumped onto the hood of a parked car, then onto the roof of the next car. "Can't catch me," she taunted, knowing perfectly well that it wasn't true. Ranko followed closely behind without actually reaching her. Akane lept onto the roof of a van, then bounced off the hood of another car and back down onto the street with Ranko in hot pursuit.

Akane had forgotten how good the wind blowing through her hair actually felt. She jumped onto the sloping handrail alongside a stairway and ran up it to the top. She jumped onto the railing on the other side and slid down, balancing with her arms held wide. Akane hadn't felt this joyous since her mother died.

Akane jumped onto a wall that surrounded a garden, then used a flagpole to swing herself up onto the roof of the house. She ran across the roof to the other side and skidded to a stop. It was a long way down, and there was nothing nearby to jump onto.

Ranko stopped along side her. "Well done, student. Do you realize how high you were leaping today?"

Akane grew wide-eyed. "Oh my!" said Kasumi's sister, breathing deeply.

"Now you are going to learn how to get down from a roof safely..."

"Uh oh..."

* * *

(flashback)

Ranma held up a hand to interrupt Sensei's lecture. He transmitted telepathically, "No disrespect, Sensei, but I believe you're misleading me."

Sensei raised an eyebrow and waited expectantly.

Ranma continued, "These gestures and incantations you're teaching me are not the way to cast spells. They are the superficial outer signs of magic working, a sort of 'training wheel' for the uninitiated."

Sensei smiled in approval, and replied, "Go on, student."

"You teach words and gestures because they're easy to teach and easy to learn, but real magic happens in a part of the brain that doesn't understand words."

"Very good, student. Most people don't realize that until later in the course."

"I'm proficient at manipulating ki, but I can't teach it--there are no words. When I try to explain it I have to beat around the bush. Ki mastery is experiential, and I can't communicate the experience. Or, rather, I couldn't until you taught me telepathy."

Sensei responded, "Yes, the gestures make it easier to teach magic, but they also make it easier to remember. Those 'training wheels' are useful, but they're not real magic. Are you familiar with modern computers? They use a windows, icons, and mouse interface to make it easy for people to control a program without using words, but those icons are not the actual programs, they're only representations of them. When I teach magic, the chanting and gesturing are representations of the magic, but they are not the actual magical working. Tell me, what tipped you off?"

"When I manipulate my ki I do it directly, without using words. After a little practice, I can do the same with mana--I can do magic without showy spell casting."

"By George, I think he's got it," thought Sensei. "You're sharp, Ranma."

* * *

Furinkan High School is normally closed on Sundays. On this particular Sunday afternoon it appeared to be closed, empty, dark, and silent--to any passers-by who weren't on the invitation list. It appeared otherwise to those lucky few who were invited to the wedding.

Now weddings are rarely held in a high school, but this was obviously no ordinary wedding. Ranma had suggested the location because it was convenient for everyone to get to and large enough to hold the anticipated crowd.

The Tendo girls had arrived early and sequestered themselves in a classroom to help Akane get dressed. Ranma wandered about the school building making certain that all the final arrangements were complete and correct. Naturally, everything was just perfect--when deities are handling the catering nothing can go wrong. Ranma was understandably nervous, and his wandering was a good way to kill time.

As the guests arrived they were directed to the auditorium, which had been remade into a large cathedral. There, they were greeted by angels acting as ushers and escorted to their seats--the deities on the right side and the mortals on the left side.

Akane emerged from her dressing room at the appointed hour, to find Ranma waiting in the hallway. He wore a dark red silken kimono which somehow managed to look like a tuxedo jacket. She wore a floor-length multilayered gown of yellow fabric, satin gloves and sash, and a wreath of yellow flowers on her head. Ranma was speechless, but his expression of appreciation said that he really was deeply moved. He offered her his arm, and she placed her hand in his. Nabiki and Kasumi also wore gorgeous gowns, but Ranma only had eyes for Akane.

The four of them made their way to the auditorium as music began to play. Akane paused in the doorway in shock--the auditorium didn't normally have a high vaulted ceiling, opalescent walls, crimson velvet upholstery, or golden light fixtures. Her eyes quickly scanned the assembled guests and admired their elegant finery.

When her gaze reached the front of the room, she saw a dignified man wearing a shimmering silvery robe. Akane panicked. She turned to Ranma and said in a trembling voice, "I can't go in there--that's _Kamisama_, for God's sake!"

"Oh, my!" said Kasumi.

Ranma gazed into Akane's eyes and spoke in a soothing tone. "You can do it, tomboy, you can do it. There's nothing to be afraid of--can't you feel His affection, even out here?"

Akane swallowed nervously twice. "I'm not ready to meet my maker, Ranma."

Ranma leaned forwards and kissed her on the forehead. "Do you want to call off the wedding? Nothing bad will happen."

Akane summoned up her courage. "I'm going to marry you even if I have to face Kamisama himself!" With that, she turned and entered the auditorium, Ranma by her side.

The four of them walked slowly down the aisle. Kasumi and Nabiki moved to the side when they reached the front row of seats and sat down on either side of their father. Soun was filled with such intense emotion that he couldn't even cry. Ranma and Akane continued forward and stopped before Kamisama.

The Creator smiled benevolently and began to speak. His resonant voice could be heard clearly throughout the room, even though it was neither loud nor amplified. "My children, we are gathered on this happy occasion to unite this couple in holy matrimony. You are here to witness the formation of this union. The solemn vows they are about to take shall be noted and honored by all creation."

He continued, "Some of you may think I am performing this ceremony. That is not the case. Ranma and Akane bear the burden of making this marriage work; I am merely here as a facilitator. A wedding is a special and joyous occasion, a tribute to the mutual love of the parties involved."

He paused, then addressed the groom. "Ranma, do you take Akane to be your lawful spouse? Do you promise to love, nurture, and protect her, soothe her when she is hurt, encourage and support her, and help her to become everything that she is able to be?"

Ranma looked the Almighty in the eye and answered, "With all my heart, I do."

Kamisama now addressed the bride. "Akane, do you take Ranma and Ranko to be your lawful spouse? Do you promise to keep him/her foremost in your heart for an extraordinarily long time, comfort and console him/her when needed, and to listen attentively before loosing your temper?" His smile took the possible sting out of His final words.

Akane's eyes flashed dangerously until she heard Ranma's voice in her head, "His choice of words; it's not my fault!"

Akane stood tall and answered clearly, "I promise with all my heart."

"Then by the power inherent in Me, I now pronounce you married under the laws of Heaven and Earth. Let no power ever rend asunder that which has been joined here today. Those who were once separate people are now joined together as one. You both have My blessing and best wishes for your life to come." He paused. "Well, what are you waiting for? Kiss each other."

Ranma and Akane embraced each other, and kissed passionately until the audience started to cheer. They separated, bowed to Kamisama, and began to slowly walk back down the aisle and out of the room.

As they reached the exit, Akane seemed to hear Kamisama's voice in her head. "Akane, you should know that your mother is watching you, and she feels very proud." Akane almost swooned at this news, and Ranma had to catch her and steady her.

Nodoka said, "That was the shortest, yet the most poignant, ceremony I have ever seen." She dabbed at her eyes with a handkerchief.

Nabiki took stock of what she had just witnessed. He didn't say "till death do you part," He said, "for an extraordinarily long time" and "help her to become everything" and "no power ever rend" He practically promised my sister immortality! Nabiki felt a twinge of envy spoil her otherwise joyful mood.

The wedding party and guests now moved to the gymnasium for a dance and buffet reception. The school gym was transformed into a large ballroom. Tables laden with every delicacy imaginable were placed near the walls on three sides of the room. Dionysus--the God of Wine and Flowers--was serving drinks of every kind from a long bar in front of the remaining wall. No one seemed to care that he was pouring all the different beverages from one and the same bottle. The band from the Cantina scene in "Star Wars" was performing on a bandstand in a corner of the room. By this time, few of the mortal guests thought that a fictitious band performing live was anything noteworthy.

"I've always wondered how they made percussive music sounds while blowing into what are obviously wind instruments," Akane mused, "but I've seen many stranger things than that."

"Did you see the wings on the ushers?" asked Shampoo, "They looked authentic..."

"There were wings on some of the wedding guests too," added Cologne.

"They were not from Phoenix Mountain," observed Kiima, rustling her own wings.

Nabiki clarified, "The ushers were angels."

Skuld wandered past, industriously trying to empty an infinite supply of ice cream sundae from a cornucopia. She was in Heaven, even if she was on Earth.

Tatewaki Kuno wondered aloud, "How could my fair Akane marry both Ranma and Ranko? That seems very odd." His "no-see" enchantment had been removed, and he had been instructed to leave his boken at home.

Ukyo laughed. "Only Ran-chan could form a menage-a-trois with only two people."

Kuno looked perplexed. Ranma had shown him the truth when he presented his wedding invitation, but Kuno was having a hard time digesting it.

Nabiki joined in. "Here's a freebie, Kuno. Your red-haired goddess is named Ranko, and she really is an actual goddess. She is also the female aspect of Ranma, who is a god in his own right. If you're wise, you won't irritate either of them."

"That's preposterous!" Tatewaki fumed, "My loves..."

Nabiki cut him off. "Consider yourself blessed, Kuno. Not many mortals get to see Kamisama in person and live to tell the tale."

"Kamisama?" Kuno was out of his depth--again.

"Who do you think was officiating? Couldn't you feel his aura?"

Tatewaki fainted.

Nabiki shrugged. "That went well."

Urd was leaning against the bar arguing with Dionysus, who politely declined to serve her enough booze to get her totally smashed.

A voice was heard throughout the room. "Please clear the floor so the bride and groom can have the first dance."

The guests moved to the sides, leaving a considerable clear space in the center of the room. Nabiki helped Kodachi drag Kuno out of the center of the room.

"I don't know how to dance," Akane complained quietly.

"That's okay, we'll fake it," answered Ranma. "You want to be an actor, so act as if you're dancing." He held Akane and began to move to the music.

After a minute Akane whispered, "You're so light on your feet. I feel as though I was dancing on air."

Ranma grinned at her. "Look down," was his answer. They were dancing eight inches above the floor so all the spectators could get a good view.

Akane giggled. "I'm so glad I married a deity." She held him more tightly.

"I guarantee that your life will never be boring as long as you stick with me."

"My life has never been boring since you arrived, husband."

The couple settled to the ground as the music ended. Their audience applauded, and the two bowed in acknowledgment.

There followed two and a half hours of general dancing, feasting, and merriment. Genma was the first to notice that no matter how much he ate he never felt full--and the serving platters replenished themselves continuously. The glutton was in paradise.

Ranma finally made an announcement. "You all may remain here to enjoy the party for as long as you like, but Akane and I are leaving to do what newlyweds do."

"Where are you going on your honeymoon?" asked Daisuke.

"We're taking a scenic tour of the solar system," Ranma answered with a twinkle in his eye.

Murmurs of astonishment met this declaration. The newlyweds walked out of the school building hand-in-hand, followed by a smattering of their mortal friends. On the lawn was an enormous transparent crystalline spaceship, along with several smaller auxiliary crystals hanging suspended nearby. A portal dilated open in the side of the large crystal and the newlyweds entered. The portal irised closed behind them.

"Oh wow! A spaceship!" exclaimed Yuka.

"How does it fly?" Hiroshi wondered aloud. He saw no engines of any sort.

"Very well indeed, if I know Ranma," answered Daisuke.

The crystalline starship glowed slightly for a moment, then took off smoothly into the sky with a catlike cry of "Miyaaaa!" The wedding guests waved and cheered.

Akane gazed out the window as the cloud-speckled orb of the Earth receded into the distance behind them. "It's so beautiful," she breathed.

"We have to take care of it so that it stays that way," answered Ranma. He stretched and relaxed, shifting his formal garb into comfortable silken pajamas. "It's nice to leave the weirdness of Nerima behind us."

Akane raised an eyebrow. "We're a divine/mortal couple touring the solar system in a carrot-powered glass UFO, and you think we're leaving the weirdness behind?"

Ranma said nothing, he only smiled and kissed his bride.

***

* * *

Author's final thoughts:

Before I started this I was sure that I couldn't write comedy. Sometimes it's nice to be wrong.

Would their marriage work, or would it be dysfunctional? They're both proud, stubborn people who hate to be pushed around. Still, Ranma does a creditable job of taming the shrew in this tale. He can take anything she can dish out, and she knows better than to fight seriously against the God of Martial Arts. I'm rooting for them to make it work - but perhaps there's room for a sequel here.

Will there be more of this story Who knows?

Humor in a Ranma story? If you read Takahashi's manga it's clear that she was not writing an action/adventure/romance story - it's a parody, or a caricature of an action/adventure/romance story. Tounge-in-cheek humor is built in. Too many people take it literally. That's as bad as doing Gilbert and Sullivan as a pompous, serious, solemn,work of great art!

Final note: I've noticed that when I write fiction the characters become very real to me, and I identify with them (The same thing happens when I read a well-written story by someone else.) If a character feels angry, I feel angry; when they feel glad, I feel glad. I once wrote a story, "We," in which the protagonist felt miserable. It took me weeks to recover. Since I'd rather feel glad than mad I tend to write stories with minimal conflict in them--the kind of stories I prefer to read. Okay, I like WAFF! If you don't like this kind of tale, please read something else.

Mike


	8. 8r1 Epilogue

Ranma's Ascension - Epilog  
By Mike Breslau

Disclaimer: Better folks than I own most of the characters that appear in this scribbling. The original characters (you'll know them when you meet them) in this work are mine, all mine! (But you can borrow them if you'll treat them kindly.)

* * *

Highlghts of Akane's life were flashing before her (mental) eyes.

--oooOooo--

Soun finished straightening out Akane's new gi and stood up.

"Am I a martial artist now, Daddy?" the little girl asked.

Her father smiled affectionately. "No, Daughter, you're only just starting out. You have to practice hard for a long time before you'll be real martial artist."

"I will, Daddy, I will. I want to be the bestest ever!"

--oooOooo--

"Anata, do you think it's wise to train Akane so intensively?" asked her mother. "Girls aren't supposed to excel at martial arts, it's unfeminine."

"We don't have any sons, Dear," responded her father. "I want the school to continue, so I must train an heir. Besides, she really seems to like it."

Akane was on the other side of the door and she overheard this conversation. "Who says girls can't do well at martial arts? I'll show them," she resolved.

--oooOooo--

Akane lifted her father into the air while wrestling, and threw him to the ground.

Soun landed badly, with a loud "Oof!"

"Did I hurt you, Father, I mean, Sensei?" Akane was concerned.

"I'm all right," Soun lied, "Just taken by surprise, that's all. I can't believe how strong you are, Akane."

"I'm going to be a real martial artist, Sensei!"

Soun stood and nodded. "Yes, I really believe you will. I'm very proud of you, Daughter."

--oooOooo--

The doctor looked grim. "I'm sorry, Mr. Tendo. We did everything we could for her..." He really hated this part of his job.

Soun broke down and started to cry uncontrollably.

Kasumi tried to console her father.

The doctor continued, "Her last words were a wish for all of you to stay together, support each other, and be strong and loving. She was a fine woman and a good patient until the end." Seeing that there was nothing further he could do, he stepped out of the room to give them some privacy.

Nabiki looked resolute, but said nothing.

Akane didn't fully grasp the situation. "What's the matter, Oneechan?"

"We are never going to see Mother again, 'Kane. We four are our whole family now."

"No, it's not true!" Akane protested, balling her fists in frustration.

In the weeks that followed it became clear that they could not depend upon Soun for anything other than weeping. By unwritten common consent, the three girls divided the responsibility for fulfilling their mother's deathbed wish among themselves. Kasumi handled the "loving" part and became their substitute mother, Nabiki tried to "support each other" as best a young girl could, and Akane assumed the role of the "strong" one. It was a stable but dysfunctional family in which the children took responsibility for the parent.

--oooOooo--

Every class in school has its share of bullies. In Akane's class there were three of them - Jiro, Ichiro, and Heero. They weren't _evil_ really, they just enjoyed humiliating others as a way of keeping themselves amused. Perhaps they would turn meaner once they passed puberty, but for now they were only annoying.

Akane's mammary glands had manifested before those of the other girls in her class. This was unexpected because she had less fat and more muscle than her female classmates. Her development caused Akane to feel somewhat out-of-place, being the only girl so endowed; she felt that all the boys in her class were stealing furtive glaces at her. It also attracted the unwelcome attention of the three bullies.

The terrible trio cornered Akane in the schoolyard one day, intending to embarrass her and possibly cop a feel. "What's a bodacious babe like you doing in a joint like this?" asked Jiro, the tall one.

Ichiro, the pudgy one, was more direct. "Can we take a peek at your boobs?"

Heero, not the brightest of the group, didn't bother with clever repartee. Motivated more by simple curiosity than by an intent to hurt, he reached out to fondle Akane's breast. He never stood a chance.

Akane responded with righteous fury. Mallet-sama appeared in her right hand for the first time ever. She swung three times in quick succession and didn't miss once. When she calmed down a bit, she looked at the prone bodies in front of her. "Hmph! Serves them right," she thought. Akane didn't notice the hammer fading away as she began to drag the three truants to the nurse's office. From that time on "all boys are perverts" became Akane's mantra.

--oooOooo--

A true martial artist does not get queasy or flinch from the sight of her own blood, Akane reminded herself. This time it was different; this time it was _personal._

Sure, Kasumi had given her "The Talk," so Akane had no excuse for freaking out. She knew the facts and was expecting it--but the reality did not match her expectations. Instead of feeling proud, she felt yucky. Akane reached for a pad.

When she told her older sister about her new, more adult, status, Kasumi beamed. "We'll have red beans and rice tonight to celebrate."

Akane wished there was a less messy way to prove her fertility.

--oooOooo--

Akane was confused. She was certain that when she had put that fish into the pan it had only two eyes and one head. Now it seemed to have a head at each end and no tail, and twenty-four eyes (at least on the side that she could see.) She was certain that she had followed the recipe exactly (well, almost) and she had only tweaked it a little bit for improved flavor.

The former fish wasn't quite dead, although it should be cooked through by now. It seemed to be afraid of her; it watched her every move with its two dozen eyes and squirmed away whenever she approached it. In frustration and anger Akane turned the heat up to maximum. "Rrr, I'll show you..." A violet smoke began to rise from the pan as the kitchen filled with a disgustingly pungent aroma.

When Kasumi came home she surveyed the kitchen in shock. It wasn't as bad as the last time Akane had tried to cook--then it had looked like World War III had taken place there; the kitchen had to be rebuilt from scratch. This time it looked as if the stove and many utensils could actually be salvaged and reused. Needless to say, the whole room was a mess, and Akane was upstairs in her room sulking.

With a sigh Kasumi got out a large trash bag and surveyed the room. "Where did she get these 'ingredients' from? I know none of them were in the house when I left, and some of these things aren't available in Japan." Most of the bizarre items had labels in English or other non-Asian languages.

She picked up a red can with a squirt nozzle on top. "Marvelous Mystery Oil," said the label. "It's a mystery, all right." It went into the trash bag. A small jar was labeled "Belch-Not Strained Babies." Kasumi shuddered and threw it out. A flask of purple liquid had a picture of a grinning dinosaur and the words "Essence of Barney." Kasumi threw it away. She picked up a bunch of small green round things. "The Grapes of Wrath, how appropriate." She tossed them. A small stack of unpaid duck bills? Out. "Roasted Salted Hex Nuts?" How tasty! Out. A container of "elbow grease, the perfect cleanser" went out next.

A small can of "Black Shoe brand Kiwi Polish" with a picture of a shiny bird went out next. A pack of oddly-colored "DoubleTint Gum" was quickly tossed. She picked up the next item. "Red Planet Marzipan." It sounded tasty. She tossed it. Kasumi also tossed out a bottle of "Edsel brand Lemon Juice." Next to go was a blue spray can of "WD 41." A small tube of "Krazier Glue" was the next item to go out. A half-empty container of mongoose milk went out next. She also threw away an egg-shaped container of "Sillier Putty." Kasumi overlooked the container of one dozen gnat's eggs, because it was too small to be seen. Fried doe? Out!

A very oddly shaped bottle of indeterminate size bore the label "Klien's Topological Implausibility Juice - Fractal Flavor." Out it went. A tall, thin bottle of "Uncle Vlad's Stake Sauce" with a picture of a vampire on the label caused her to shudder before it swiftly went into the garbage bag. The remainder of a box of overly-cute cookies bore a "Goodby Kitty" logo. Out. The shredded cabbage in "Murphy Slaw" might have been edible once. Trash. Chain mail armor with postage due? Out. An irregular mass of translucent substance (exo-coprolite, i.e.: fossilized alien poop) was the next to go.

Kasumi picked up a small irregular object that was emitting a green glow. Holding it made her feel funny. She threw it away, never realizing that the kryptonite radiation had enhanced her already-considerable powers of ESP. She then picked up a magnetic monopole. "Huh? I thought these didn't exist." She tossed it out. Some slightly-used dilithium crystals were the next items to go.

A small tin can with a Cyrillic label caught her attention. As Kasumi tried to translate it, it seemed to say, "Concentrated Buffalo Flatulence." That couldn't possibly be right, could it? She trashed it. A bag of catnip? Out. She didn't even want to know what "Super Duper Party Pooper" might be for; she used it to fill garbage cans. Kasumi also tossed two rounds of bamboo shoot ammunition.

Kasumi paused at a bottle of "Lemon Oil Furniture Cleaner." "This almost sounds like it might actually belong in a kitchen," she mused. She set this bottle aside, she might find a use for it later. She similarly set aside a softly glowing package of "Harry Otter's Enchanted Toilet Bowl Cleaner."

A box with a picture of a centrifuge was labeled "Whirled Peas." Out. The Holy Grail. Out. The Lost Chord. Out. The Last Unicorn. Out. The Ark of the Covenant. Out. A concise proof of Fermat's Last Theorem. Out. A roll of "Quack brand Duck Tape." Out. The Lost Tribe of Israel. Out, out, Damned Spot. Out!

A vial of "Botulism Toxin" went quickly into the trash bag. An empty container of pickled cockatrice eggs went next. The next item was a clear glass jar half-full of white smoke. The only part of the label that seemed to make sense read, "Gaseous Life Form - Do Not Disturb." The smoke seemed to be looking at her even though it had no eyes. Kasumi sighed again. It was going to be a long evening.

--oooOooo--

Some people think that the Kunos are crazy. That is not possible! When you are rich and behave abnormally, you are deemed "eccentric." A less well-off person who behaves the exact same way would be labeled "insane." The Kunos are too wealthy to be crazy.

Some people think Tatewaki Kuno is stupid--that he has fewer functional brain cells than Kamisama granted to an earthworm. Again, that is not true. Tatewaki has slightly above-average intelligence, he just has an exceptionally effective mental filter.

All humans, even you and I, have a brain function that causes us to ignore or disregard any information that conflicts with our internal belief system. This saves us from the real effort of thinking, and spares us the discomfort of being wrong. (It also permits politicians and organized religions to flourish, but that's another story.) It just so happens that Tatewaki is the undisputed Grandmaster of the School of Martial Arts Reality Ignoring. That is why he makes such an excellent punching bag: he knows that nobody could possibly hurt him, so he feels no pain no matter how hard he is hit.

On the first day of his second year at Furinkan the samurai wannabe was in the school yard when he espied the most attractive young lady that he had seen (in at least four minutes), namely, Akane Tendo. Since it was only natural that the most desireable male in the whole universe should capture the most beautiful girl in the school yard, he approached her and proclaimed, "Greetings, oh most beauteous one! Might I have the honor of knowing your name?"

Not knowing how to respond to the tall, dark, and handsome lunatic, Akane pushed him aside and hurried into the school.

Kuno was taken aback at this brushoff, but he was not deterred. He approached the source of all useful information and inquired, "Can you tell me the name of that angelic vision? I must make her mine!"

Nabiki held out her hand and replied, "2000 Yen."

On each of the next eleven school days Kuno would make yet another approach to the fair maiden, and each time was met with an increasingly emphatic rejection from the increasingly annoyed damsel.

The following morning Tatewaki showed up with a wheelbarrow full of red roses. "Oh fairest of maidens, why do you reject me so? Is it possible that your heart belongs to another? Nay, that cannot be, for who is as desireable a suitor as I?"

Akane had had enough of this nonsense. "What part of 'NO' don't you understand?" she yelled. Mallet-sama appeared and knocked Kuno flat. She dumped the roses on top of her supine suitor and then jumped up and down on him so that the thorns could do their thing. Finally, she upended the wheelbarrow on top of the mashed roses and stormed off muttering imprecations.

"Ah, what a fiery spirit, what a sublime passion!" thought Tatewaki before unconsciousness claimed him, "She is playing hard-to-get. I must make her mine!" The next morning Kuno approached Akane with a confident air. "Today my success is assured. Beauteous maiden, your heart shall belong to me and no other," he proclaimed, "Behold!"

To the astonishment of the entire student body, Tatewaki unzipped his trousers and proudly exposed what appeared to be a gold-plated phallus. "This magical condom is guaranteed to make me irresistible to females," he explained.

Akane was disgusted, not captivated, by this display. "That is so _NOT_ what I needed to see this morning!" A swift uppercut sent Kuno flying, only to land on his back 20 feet away. Akane stormed into the school building, fuming all the way.

The vendor of magical amulets had not been lying when he said it would make Kuno irresistible to females, but he wasn't telling the entire truth either. The enchanted condom did not attract human girls, but every female bird in the neighborhood flew down and began to peck amorously at the gold-plated condom so invitingly displayed.

That evening Kuno sat brooding in his study. "Everything I have done to attract the fair Akane only seems to have driven her away. Could she be a masochist? Perhaps I shall have better luck if I abuse her..."

The next day a special assembly for boys only was called at Furinkan. Tatewaki stood on the stage and told the assembled crowd that no one would be allowed to date the beautiful Akane unless he had first defeated her in battle. Cologne would have approved.

"If I cannot win her heart by being nice," Kuno thought, " perhaps I can succeed by beating her to a pulp!"

All right, perhaps Tatewaki was crazy after all.

--oooOooo--

"Daddy... This is your friend?" Kasumi asked.

Soun shook his head rapidly in negation.

Nabiki responded sarcastically , "Oh. So this panda just decided to visit! Happens all the time!"

Soun leaned forward. "You..wouldn't be..."

"Ranma Saotome. Sorry 'bout this."

...( you all know this scene by heart )...

"I'm Akane. Do you want to be friends?"

"Yeah, I'd like that," answered the redhead.

--oooOooo--

"Ranma no baka."

--oooOooo--

"Ranma no baka!"

--oooOooo--

"Ranma no Baka!"

--oooOooo--

"RANMA NO BAKA!!"

--oooOooo--

"...Akane no baka..."

--oooOooo--

The Creator smiled benevolently and began to speak. His resonant voice could be heard clearly throughout the room, even though it was neither loud nor amplified. "My children, we are gathered on this happy occasion to unite this couple in holy matrimony. You are here to witness the formation of this union. The solemn vows they are about to take shall be noted and honored by all present."

He continued, "Some of you may think I am performing this ceremony. That is not the case. Ranma and Akane bear the burden of making this marriage work; I am merely here as a facilitator."

He paused, then addressed the groom. "Ranma, do you take Akane to be your lawful spouse? Do you promise to love, nurture, and protect her, soothe her when she is hurt, encourage and support her, and help her to become everything that she is able to be?"

Ranma looked the Almighty in the eye and answered, "With all my heart, I do."

Kamisama now addressed the bride. "Akane, do you take Ranma and Ranko to be your lawful spouse? Do you promise to keep him/her foremost in your heart for an extraordinarily long time, comfort and console him/her when needed, and to listen attentively before loosing your temper?" His smile took the possible sting out of His final words.

Akane's eyes flashed dangerously until she heard Ranma's voice in her head, "His choice of words; it's not my fault!"

Akane stood tall and answered clearly, "I promise with all my heart."

"Then by the power inherent in Me, I now pronounce you married under the laws of Heaven and Earth. Let no power ever rend asunder that which has been joined here today. You both have My blessing and best wishes for your life to come." He paused. "Well, what are you waiting for? Kiss each other."

--oooOooo--

Akane bounced in through the magic door, her smile a mile wide. "I got the part!" she exclaimed happily.

Ranma looked up from his floating translucent laptop. "The musical show that you had auditioned for?" She could tell that he was pleased.

Akane stopped bouncing, though she was still excited. "Yes! They wanted to see me dance, so I did one of the simpler katas in time to the music. You should have seen their faces when I ended with a four-foot high vertical spinning leap. It was priceless."

"I can just imagine. I'm glad you kept it down to something believable." He paused. "So you're going to be commuting to America now?"

"Why not? It's no further away than anywhere else now. All I have to look out for is the time zone change, and that shouldn't be a problem." She crossed the room and hugged him. "Thanks for the martial arts singing lessons, Sensei."

"Well I'm glad that you're getting a chance to act. It's been one of your ambitions for some time now."

"So how was your day, Anata? Anything interesting happen?"

Ranma pointed to the floating laptop and replied in a mock-complaining tone, "Paperwork! If I'd known that being a deity entailed so much bureaucracy I might never have accepted the job."

--oooOooo--

Ranma took Akane to one of the nicer restaurants in Asgard. Of course, the food was wonderful, and the nectar and ambrosia were heavenly. As the meal neared its end Akane looked contented while Ranma had an "I've got a secret" grin. The angel waiting upon their table silently brought out the dessert - a small round cake with one lit candle standing up in the center.

"What's this for?" asked Akane, pointing to the candle.

"We're celebrating an anniversary today," Ranma replied. "Do you know what the occasion is?" Akane looked nonplussed, so Ranma continued after a moment, "It's been one year to the day since you last got angry."

Akane leaned back and looked introspective. "Has it really been that long? I didn't notice." After a thoughtful pause she continued softly, "Anger used to be my closest friend, but now I don't even miss it..."

Ranma merely smiled, glad that his plans had succeeded.

--oooOooo--

A temporarily male Akane and a female Ranko were cuddling in bed in a sweaty state of bliss.

"Well that was interesting," Akane said softly.

"Not what you were expecting?"

"It was certainly _different_. Of course, there was no way I could know what to expect."

Ranko smiled sagely and kissed him gently. "Are you disappointed?"

"No, replied Akane, "You certainly know how to make a guy feel good." He paused. "Ranko, may I ask you a personal question?"

"Of course, Dearest, ask away."

"How come your breasts don't sag when you're not wearing a bra? Any natural woman as well-endowed as you would sag when not supported. I've always wondered..."

Ranko smiled knowingly. "Actually, my breasts _do_ sag. I can feel it." She continued in an imitation-Chinese accent, "Is tragic story. 1,500 years ago a young woman drowned in spring, and now anyone who falls in spring takes form of beautiful girl."

"I knew that. How does it answer my question?"

"Well, when she drowned, she was obviously underwater."

After a moment Akane put two and two together. "And mammary glands float! Your 'cursed' form is the shape of a girl with buoyant boobs..."

"Buoyant, not boyish. If I wore a bra, they'd point up! It would look weird and attract attention, so I go without."

"I see," said Akane. "I guess I won't be jealous of you any more."

--oooOooo--

Ranma and Akane were in a deserted park at the predawn hour. It was almost cherry-blossom time, and spring was in the air.

"Remember the first time you went flying with me?" Ranma asked.

Akane smiled. "I'll never forget! It was glorious."

"Well today you're going to fly under your own power, without any help from me."

Akane was shocked. "How can I possibly do that?"

"Similar to the way Herb does it. You already know how to use your ki to slow your fall so that you drift down slowly. You've got enough ki mastery now that you should be able to drift _upwards_ by using the same technique, only this time try harder."

"Oh." She meditated for a minute to calm her heart and gather her courage. Akane resolutely focused her ki and used it to oppose the pull of gravity. After two minutes of increasing effort she began to drift upwards like a wind-bourne dandelion thistle. "I did it!" she exclaimed, only to fall as her concentration faltered.

Ranma helped her to get back on her feet. "You've got to pay attention, Student."

"Hai." Akane tried again. This time her control was noticeably improved, and she rose to rooftop height without a problem.

Ranma flew up alongside her and inclined his head in a "follow me" gesture. The two of them circled the park at a leisurely pace, relishing the experience.

"This is even better than the first time," exclaimed Akane, her heart filled with the pride of achievement.

"Yes it is," agreed Ranma, proud that hi student/wife was making such progress.

* * *

The review of her mortal life finally concluded, Akane knelt and softly wept. "I am not worthy," she murmured.

"I assure you," answered the Almighty in a tone of friendly good humor, "you would not be here if you were not worthy."

Akane wiped away her tears and looked up. "Okay. I'm ready now."

Kamisama nodded. "Very well."

Akane felt her body dissolve into mist, as her consciousness expanded beyond her wildest dreams. Her senses seemed to encompass the entire universe, past, present, and future. Power of unimaginable magnitude flowed through her, yet she was not harmed. She could not tell how long this experience lasted, yet when it ended it was over too soon. Her soul returned to finite size and found itself in a brand-new body--familiar in appearance but greatly improved in every other way.

Kamisama reached down and took her hand. "Arise, Akane, First Class, Second Category Goddess of Emotions (trainee)."

***

* * *

Credit where credit is due:

"Darc" suggested elbow grease.  
"Miyagawa" suggested kryptonite and catnip.  
Thanks to Colin McEnroe for exo-coprolite.

"Daddy... This is your friend?" -- dialog lifted from Viz Media's translation of the original manga.

Authors Rant--Two ways to make me stop reading your Ranma fanfic:

A) Write a scene in which the entire NWC (Ryoga, Kuno, Kodachi, Shampoo, Mousse, Taro, Ukyo, Akane, Konatsu, Sasuke, and possibly even Hinako-chan and Hikaro Gosunkugi) all attack Ranma _simultaneously_. Ain't gonna happen--too improbable, hard to coordinate. And even if it did happen, post-Saffron Ranma would be powerful enough to take them all down at once. I mean, he killed a god and leveled two mountains with his bare hands--the whole NWC wouldn't stand a chance against him if Ranma got angry. Why do you think Takahashi ended the Ranma saga at this point?

B) Portray Akane as a perpetually-on-PMS, forever furious, super-angry, ulta-violent harridan with no socially redeeming features at all. I don't know who this one-dimensional caricature is, but she surely isn't the Akane portrayed in Takahashi's own work. Yes, the cannon Akane had temper issues, but she had many problems to work out (loss of mother, the hentai horde, no longer being the best martial artist, etc.) The "real" Akane's main reason for frequently malleting Ranma is that they would be married in an instant if she didn't, and neither of them is ready to get married yet. Ranma accepts the hammering for the same reason (you know he's good enough to dodge or block her hammer every time if he wanted to). Give her a break guys, make your Akane believable.

Author's final final thoughts:

If you have any suggestions for other 'ingredients' Akane might have used, please include them in a review. If I like your suggestion I'll include it in a rewrite and give you credit here.

The nice thing about not getting paid for my writing is that I don't _have_ to do it. If my muse takes a vacation or my real life intrudes, I simply stop for a while.

Mike


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